My EMO phase

I said that I’d talk about Christ more on my blog. I haven’t finished talking about myself though. I hope to find some compromise here and end this trend. I want to show you that Christ’s strength is being perfected in my weakness. I want to show His surpassing goodness toward those he loves. I am changing in some fashion for the better. This emo phase shall soon pass. I do not where I get off this roller-coaster but it is not here. I hope to be moving on from what started a month ago. At least this emo phase is giving me confidence and experience to do what I feel is difficult emotionally. I hope to retain some humility and some understanding of my depravity from it all. I hope that it makes me see Christ more. Not less.

I want the truth of these following verses to be seen, and be seen in me. It is by grace wrought by God. It is exposing the truth and letting the darkness come into the light. It is Christ being formed more completely in me.

“19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” John 3:19-20 KJV

“5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:” Colossians 3:5-10 KJV

I feel like I am in the process of putting off the old man and putting on the new man. I am in the process of doing and saying what is true. I am in the process of exposing things that I cannot hold onto any longer. I am beginning to see the new man. He is broken but he is real. He isn't what I expected. I want what is left to be Christ, but I look at the cross to see another broken man. Christ who is more broken by sin than even me. That is who I see. A man who is carrying about a body of death.

I am not comfortable with the EMO change in my character but I know it must be for now. Sin is still wishing me to stay silent on the full extent of my brokenness, the depth of my depravity. It is telling me to forget about grace and change. It is telling me lies that I cannot bare. The truth shall set me free, from my own illusory prison. I might be silent for a while longer but my confidence is growing again. I am convinced others are part of the solution. Sin is wishing for me to hold onto the darkness. I cannot hold onto it anymore than I can hold onto the light.

The Problem of Sex and Needs

Sex tends to obscure the divisions of intimacy in more complicated ways. This is seen in lust. Lust, the desire sex, may be confused with healthy desires for other forms of intimacy. The spirit and the flesh are at war with each other by setting up conflicting desires. The deceitful heart will set up lies so that one is left feeling empty and disillusioned when one tries to fulfil the need wrongly with sex and the need remains unfulfilled. Sex is not a solution. Relationships often are.

The actual needs and desires may be: closeness (physical non-sexual), anxiety/anger/boredom/tired/drained/loneliness (emotional/intellectual), idolatry (spiritual), and of course there is also real lust(sexual). The list is not short or exhastive.

The solution and virtue set up against lust in the Bible is self-control. It is not specifically pursuing chastity. That is good but it is really the natural result of self-control. As strange as it sounds, lust comes down to self-control of most of one's desires. Many people think it is just their sexual desire that needs controlling or fixing. Humans are more than just sexual creatures but sexuality is also integrated into who we are. I am just starting to see that lust is multi-faceted in origin.

Lust has a way of finding friends for a one night fling among your desires. Taking them out and having their way with em. Sexual desire alone is a much smaller beast to tame. We need to know what the other desires are in the fight before we can effectively control lust. These other repressed desires may have other outlits which we aught not neglect. Namely God and healthy relationships/friendships that we shouldn't be missing out on in the confusion.

Finally, Christ is a solution to many of the problems. He is our rightful husband. Marriage and most of its corresponding intimacy may be fulfilled in Christ. Yet, not necessarily Christ alone. I disagree with Paul's opinion on celebacy at least for myself. I personally know that I need others in my life. I believe this will include a wife in the future.

ps. I wish to return to talking about Christ on my blog. I have spent too much time thinking about myself. Far too much.

Needs

Ok, I haven't entirely stopped thinking about some of the lasts posts. My blog has gone a little EMO. Oh well! I guess that's ok for now. I am just realizing how needy I am in so many areas. I am also just realizing how confused I am about what I really want. As far as the hole in my friendships, I am just starting to understand the differences between intellectual, spiritual, emotional, physical(nonsexual), and sexual intimacy in friendships/relationships. They don't substitute for each other.

I need to see that these desires don't crossover either. No matter how much I feel they do. I need to see what I want from different relationships and interactions with people.

Vanity

Ok, these last few days, I have been staying up kind of late just contemplating different things. I have been thinking about appearances. I have been able to sleep but I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I am the same. Some of this is from my current depression/melancholy. I've been too serious. (I don't believe this is the same as thinking too deeply on serious things. I need to start small by being content in finding God's will and doing it in simple things.)

Although the main problem is not that. It is that I've been doing so many things that are out of character as of late. I need more confidence. I need to know who I am. Or who I am becoming more clearly. I feel like I am becoming a loser. I feel like I am about to sell out. What I mean by becoming a loser is having nothing left that is really my own. Nothing that is not laid bare and exposed. Nothing that is just mine wedged in as a vain lie between reality and perception. I don't want this at all but I know that Christ hid nothing, while still hiding everything. I know it is the next step to take.

I've been on a spiritual rollercoaster for a month and a 1/2. It's the longest one I've been on. I am coming to the point that I feel like I need to hit the e-brake and while wanting to hit the gas. I need more independance but I see I need others. I need to be comfortable with my own person but I need change badly, which I believe God is effecting it with others.

I still need to know if it is all necessary though. I am still quite fragile and have many fears. I am only human and I know I can be hurt very easily. I don't want to be in that position. Some fears probably are reasonable. Some fears aren't. I am afraid of burning bridges. I am afraid of the wrong impressions. And I am afraid of sin. Yet, it is all but empty vanity.

I don't envy anyone else's station in life for I am sure they have their own problems. (At one time I did envy them.) I am trying to be spiritually content in it all. I have always found it difficult. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whatever comes of this. Let it be known that it is being wrought by God. I know this is so in more than one way.

Candlelight Eve Service

I was at a united methodist church for a Christmas Eve service. Let's just say that dipping bread in wine, a female pastor giving the message and distributing communion, the high church rituals, and the present darkness were too much for me. I was not impressed. I've felt more at home in a catholic church. I don't feel like talking about it all. The Holy Spirit could use some of it, in fact He did, but there was little substance here. (One section He indicated for me to listen was about wisdom and knowledge leading the wisemen to Christ's feet.) I tuned the rest out for I could not bear it. It seemed too much like the female pastor was reading an english paper with soft spoken generalities. I did not feel right about the situation. There was too much stain glass and too much dead wood. I felt my senses were being dulled by beautiful music for them to be totally reliable. I still didn't like the situation afterward.

I reserved my right to refuse communion for the first time last night. I did so at a catholic church but that is different in my mind. I was afraid that I was being self-righteous. Maybe, either way my heart and head were not right to take it. They perhaps were right before God but not in that church. I could not consent or condone the actions of that church. I could not submit myself to commune with such. Theologically first. With the dipping of bread into wine and a female pastor. Second, its uncertain overflow into my heart. Third, I thought it to be unclean so it was unclean for me. I did not feel Christ being exalted there. I did not feel like the service benefited me.

Finally, I still could sincerely say "Merry Christmas" to the female pastor afterward. If that means anything. I am not happy about what went on last night. I don't want to think that I did my duty and went to church. For My soul did not greatly benefit. I was present but not attending.

Not Quite Right 2

Hmmm, Who would have thought that reading about God's judgment of the world, in Ezekiel, today would have help me make sense of my feelings. At least for sin in general. It seems so very odd. I have long since given up on second guessing things that seem counter-intuitive. Some people think these sections of the bible are only there to condemn. Some people think that hell or at least God's judgment is only to scare unbelievers. Far from it, everything in the Bible is meant for Christians. It is eternal. It is not so christians can self-righteously look down on those under judgment. It is so we can cast ourself in with that lot and cry "Be mercy on me a sinner." Or know that we are of that lot to fully know the extent of grace. It is so we can look to Christ and make sense of this world.
I still need to spend more time in the word.

Not Quite Right

Mood: Everything's Going to Hell but could be worse.

I've got the feeling that everything is not quite right. (I'm pretty sure its not prophetic.) It is a general feeling but it feels so specific and applicable to me. I know that all creation groans for adoption. (Romans 8) I know that everything is created by, through, and ruled by God. He is the reason/word behind it all. (John 1) I still have a nagging idea that things are not quite right. I can't escape it. Its been pulling me down today.

I know that such a truth should rather be encouraging. Christians are called from lives that are out of this world but in it. Christians should see problems with the world right now. Christ had to come; it was necessary. He had to come to make it right. The world is never perfect but I believe it aught to be. I see how far it has fallen short. The world will be changed like clothes at the comming of Christ. I need to remind myself of that and the cure for everything else till then. The gospel.

I know the problem is my functional lack of belief that creation will be redeemed and is being summed up in Christ as we speak. It is spilling overing into me basing stuff on my subjective feelings. I know that God works all things for good but that is not what I feel.

Furthermore, I feel like I should be convicted of some sin. Instead I'm convicted of sin in general in the world. I see my inability to overcome it all and the necessity for more faith. I see my own depravity and hate my own person in some ways. It is not quite condemnation but close. It is melancholy. Yet, I am not who I was even a few years ago. My condition is slowly getting better. It is not by my efforts. I know that God wills and works within me but I still feel deadly ill. I need to look out my boring stale 'hospital room' and let the light of christ shine on me. Not envy the outdoors in doing so but feel the present warmth of its rays.

I need to remind myself of truth and God's actions on my behalf. Both meditating on His providence or spending time in His word. I've been woefully lacking this and in speaking truth to my life recently.

Just Another Personality Test

My personality has changed a bit since High school. I'm not quite out of my shell though. I am still a nerd but thats ok. My perception of science has changed. Art and beauty have more value. I've become more independant. I hang with friends often. I am trying to cultivate deeper friendships with them. Finally, my intellect is more suited for analysis. You can compare this with the results if I had taken this in High school. (I took the quiz twice and post dated it to my earliest entry.)

I would not be able to relate to some of my current friends outside of Christ. I never did stuff with the high school church ministry back home. When I came to college, I merely was looking for a church not a college ministry. It is perhaps the differences in my friends that I meet through the college ministry and church that have helped me grow in appreciating others, despite how different I still feel from them at times. I am looking at how far I've come and it is mostly by God's grace. It remains to be seen how far I am going to go. I have been growing a lot recently in seeing things about relationships and friendships. Aspects and difficulties that I've never considered before and how I relate to them. Furthermore, how they relate to my walk with God.

What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Loner Loner 63% Geek 50% Drama nerd 38% Punk/Rebel 38% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 38% Goth 19% Ghetto gangsta 6% Stoner 6%

Let Darkness be Light

I was contemplating my life and even my death. These verses apply to it all. They are my favorite verses in all of Isaiah ranking up next to the ones about Christ's death. I've been on a spiritual/personal growth rollercoaster recently. I know these verses to apply and are true. I can say amen to them.

“16 I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.”
Isaiah 42:16 NASB

"2 I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
3 “I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
Isaiah 45:2-3 NASB

This is the life we live. So that all our good works are seen as wrought in God. I was deciding if I would much rather be blind and walk a straight road. Or could see and walk a crooked one. We do both at the same time in some sense. I would much rather be blind and walk by faith. It is far easier but far more trusting.

I also thought about the end of that road in my life. I was thinking of my own mortality. I was thinking about death; it appeared to be some hideous monster ready to devour any in its path. Oh, but how Death to the blind was merely an angel shepherding souls and blocking the view of the splendors of what lie beyond.

Second, there is a plundering of the wealth of the secret places. These verses, and ones like them, usually discuss idols in the immediate context. It seems that the very idols, which we break, contain the very things we offer to God in worship. The very desirable things through which we come out of this life with more than we came in. Things by which God is magnified and glorified. This brings us to how Peter looks at trials and this life.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. "
1 Peter 1:6-9 NASB

How there is such a link to God's providence in our trials, not just ones of adversity but ones of prosperity. The world is never as dangerous as when it has put on a silk glove and sweetly beacons. How our faith aught to carry over into how we live our lives as a result of all things. How our faith should continue to rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, regardless and all the more for what we go through in this life.

The totality of creation

I want this post bto e sum up the things about science. The things about God's creation.

Colossians 1:15-23 with commentary

He is the center of science for He is the very center of creation by position, by rule, and by substance in sustaining all.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

The purpose of creation revolves around christ. It revolves then around what is with Him by His father's pleasure. It revolves around what he reconciles, namely his bride, the church.

18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. 19 For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

To further confirm what is being reconciled. Paul specifically is talking about the christians he is writing to. He talks about the way and purpose of salvation. He talks about the effects and the end.

21 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, 22 yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— 23 if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

Evidence of the last post

Yeah, I almost took it down for reasons other than it being accurate. All the more reason it needs to stay up. I'm not perfect. I don't like being that open but its true.

Confession of the Hole in Friendships

I have stumbled across a few psychological sites that have pretty much described patterns in my life. Psychology is confirming my suspicions. I knew of this problem before hand. I don't normally give psychology much weight but it applies in some areas.

According to psychology, I am yearning for emotional intimacy.(Or deeper friendships.) This is from a disconnect between who I think I am, and who others think I am. And being content with a disconnect. I am not very needy but I realize that I could be if I am not careful in recognizing this idol of friends aright. I realize that this desire sets up even more conflicting ones within me. I know I am afraid of the very thing I yearn for, due to insecurities. (Psychology also says that but I know it to be true.) I'm OCD about some of my insecurities, its affecting my friendships. There are many friendships that I know I've kept superficial or even intellectually profound but never deep. Shooting the breeze with someone on what you know is not the same as making a friendship deeper. It only goes so far. It never goes far enough. You can know someone a long time without knowing them. I feel that is how I've been. I'm tired of being a one trick pony now. The barriers that keep me trapped in the circus remain even as I try and break them down.

I am facing intimacy/honesty overload as a result of the break down some of those barriers to in doing accountability with someone. We have merely acknowledge the existence of inward things like sin. We have not adquately dealt with them. I am perhaps feeling like I will have to deal with all this just tomorrow rather than with time. I do not know why but perhaps I am looking at what I want something to be rather than what it is and should be right now.

These problems present an interesting trilemma. The psychological solution is keeping it real, but it is also keeping it deep with honesty, authenticity, and communication. The two psychological solutions seem to contradict themselves. The solution to one is the cause of the other. The bad thing is that the psychological answer is close to the spiritual answer that I stumbled onto earlier. It remains that I should just plow through some of this mess amidst the unreality of my perceptions but never too far ahead. Time and being more trusting are the only solutions. That is my bind! It sucks.

Yeah, it literally sucks.


Psychology has confirmed that my wish to grow in relationships is a perceived need that has set friends up as an idol. Not necessarily in accountability but in seeking out (deeper) friendships and looking for contentment in those. It is evident by hanging out with friends and not being able to be content.(Or being bored while hanging out consistently.) I should do my own thing more often even among friends. In addition, the deepest relationship which aught to bring the most contentment is my relationship with God. I should not have need for anyone but him. Anything else is additional.

Next, accountability has run me in the other direction. It has not contributed to the first idol very much, luckily. It has put me in a place that I am fearful of opening up further (even though I am) cause I feel too invested, too exposed, and too vulnerable. Maybe some of these are innate defense mechanisms from when I was a loner. I'm not just talking about shy. I am talking about shy and shallow. They don't serve me anymore. Yet, it is not natural for me to disregard these. It requires grace. I think this grace has arrived in this season of life for me. Thanks be to God.

Another thing is at work that is closely related. Some of the very burdens/insecurities that I am holding onto are the very things that are eating me alive. Everyone has baggage that they should check at the door. I knew this all along, but I can't stand mine. It has a way of carrying over into sin also. I don't want to say more here for this is linked to the very thing I feel I cannot say. The very thing I cannot let go. My heart needs to be healed first. It slowly is. In this I'm not changing horses mid stream. I don't need psychological counciling. I need God.

God is good and he has ordained for me to run into these problems right now. I have prayed about God growing me here before. I don't quite understand his methods. I think it strange that in dealing with things going forward I must not deal with them. It is a counter-intuitive path of not trying to fixing it.

I see God's hands all over this area. I could go into details but they're convoluted. God is at work. He has taken me on a spiritual growth rollercoster for a month and a half but now I am climbing up to a drop and am a bit scared. Luckily, these issues have arisen as a result of accountability and a best friend rather than an opposite sex/dating relationship. There is a context to work through them without pain or injury to someone else. I'm very greatful for that. I already have starting working through many things that I haven't really talked about till now.

Forest and Trees 2

I was spending some time in Ecclesiastes recently. Perhaps because I know I am getting a bad grade in one of my classes. D or F. Oh well. Can't say I tried hard enough. I can't say that my teacher was very good either. Its some combination of these two. I do better in harder classes but why? I do not know.

I stumbled across this section that applies to my view of science. It is what I had seen by experience like Solomon. It was just that it was more convoluted by what is actually known along the way. We can trace the source unlike him but it does not help. We are left with the same problem.


"When I applied my heart to know wisdom, and to see the business(science?) that is done on earth, how neither day nor night do one's eyes sleep, then I saw all the work of God, that men cannot find out the work (of God?) that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out." Ecclesiastes 9:16-17

The works of God always begin and end with God. All good science is circular like good theology. It flows back to the same source from which it came. It contains vainity that must be subjected to reality like theology. For theology this is the gravity of the cross. For science, this is the gravity of God's providence and infinite knowledge and wisdom in creating.

Finally, What is good is that men remember their creator and do what God commands. Life goes on either way.

Confession of Limerance

Ok, I have to confess. I have seen limerance at work in different areas of my life. I could not think of a good word to describe this. Not necessarily infatuation. Or man crushes per se, but potentially ones. It falls in the same area of seeing things that might not be there. Or these things may be there, sometimes but not to the same degree as I thought they were. There are a few cases of this.

First, I was friends with one of my present roomates because I thought he was like me but had some traits that I wish I had. He is very assertive and extraverted but at the same time he is different than I thought. Still cool but different.

Second, I became friends with someone else over facebook only cause he seemed like he was perhaps something I could have been if I made different choices regarding my abilities. (Or expressed some of my latent abilities.) I have since meet him in person at church. I can't say I was really disappointed... Yet, he was very different from me in many areas. I think he had some limerance with respect to me also. I haven't called him out on it though. We are both pretty much intellectuals/deep thinkers to some degree. Maybe that was what he was looking for in friendship. He's cool but I haven't really spent much time with him.

Finally, I have to confess that one of my best friends has a personality like my little bro. I can hang with my little bro pretty easily at home. Still trying to figure if it is limerance. It seems real though. He's fun to hang with even if we don't do anything. I think he is in some ways one of my friends ordained by God. Cuz somehow we ended up in like every group together in church. This is the closest to a man crush that I have. What is funny is he might be one of the few that reads this blog some time. Ha ha ha. Ooops. Maybe I shouldn't have said this. Awkward turtle it up in our accountability then... woouuoo woouuoo wooot.... (We can address my immaturity later too.) Nah, it isn't that bad. Just use to seeing him like every other day for this whole semester. Now that isn't happening cause finals and school recently. So i thought to include it here.

The problem with limerance is that it is not real. It looks for some return. It looks for some validation or it dies down. It is not inherently bad but it is not real. I just hope my friendships go deeper and stay real without it. I like keeping it real in more ways than one.

I don't think my limerance was a form of narcisism. I can hang with other people fine; it is just easier to make friends with people similar to you. And be drawn to those people. I don't think that highly of myself. Furthermore, my limerance appears to be different that than what I want in real love/friendships. I know for a fact that in Romantic relationships, I look for something very different than myself. The way I look at limerance is that it is a different kind of infatuation that I need to be particularly careful about as to not confuse it with the starts of real friendship or real love.

An Idol's best friend

So yeah, I have been trying to grow in relationships recently. Yet, not in the way God desires. Now my tale begins by going to hang out with some people friday night. I intended to go but couldn't find the place. I was in a kind of shady area walking around for a while. I was a little stressed by it but not badly. I had called one person twice for directions and two other people.

Now once I had found the place. I wasn't feeling it. Not enough people. I was like screw it. (The area was certainly less shady than where I was searching for the house.) I started walking back toward my apartment. I stopped to look in the liquor store, but I really didn't want to get anything. Waste of money. I just looked around and left. So finally after wasting an hour going to and fro with the small party. I ended up just going to a coffee house, alone to relaxed. I was still a little stressed/bored afterward but it was probably the caffiene (My drug of choice.) from the triple sized sumatra coffee. I decided to go to an old roomate's apartment. They played a little Mario Party. I wasn't feeling it here either with the just hanging out and the 'lame' game. I finally just retired to my apartment to learn/play with GIMP 2.4 aka photoshop by myself.

At this point, I kind of regretted not going to hang out at the small party with people from my church. I later got an IM from someone who had gone and was still hanging out. (They had played some poker and were going to watch a movie.) It didn't help a lot. Yet it did, for I had already began recognizing an idol in my life. Friends.

I was bored and my problem was that I was looking for contentment in something other than God. I was looking for it in friends. I was not in the right mind. This idol is new for me this semester. I know it to be a pattern that has developed slowly starting earlier in the summer. I have spent more time hanging out this semester than ever before. Just for fun with only sparce fellowship or god-glorifying purpose. I did not even try to redeem the time.

Now, it seems strange that I am to needing to grow in relationships and I am finding that I have befriended an idol along the way. I have some ideas of what I need to do. I hung out for most of today. It was an improvement. I used the time to remind myself of what God had done in other people's lives. Christ is the basis of friendships that are enduring. Another thing that seemed helpful was making my own time to do my own thing with God, even if I was chillen around friends.

I do not want to be some needy guy. I will seek contentment apart from my friend's company even if I still am spending just as much time with em. I find it was much better that way. Cause thats probably how it should be. Today, I used some 'hang out' time to read and spread out at my friend's house. I kept to myself more than usual, but to each his own. I think some of it was an improvement.

Now, I bring all this friendship stuff up because I am considering to start dating soon. I am not quite ready. I still don't know what I even want to out of some of my other friendships though. How am I to know what I want out of dating if I can't figure out what I want out of my friends. I yearn for time spent on more than just on small things. It may be fun but to what end. I want friendships in general to be different than they are. I need friends that help me towards God more than ones that are just fun. Yet, I have been spending time with friends to make me happy rather than seeking out that which I need in my soul. This time spent need not always be indifference but it should not be time spent thinking friends could solve my troubles or even my boredom or discontentment.

I choose you 2.

For some reason, God indicated for me to read 2 Corinthians 4-8 earlier. I had forgotten what it had said. I don't feel that it was corrective but we have this ministry as we have received mercy. We need to plow straight the word of God.

We should not tamper with the word or practice cunning. I could be more cunning in crafting my free will argument but I should not press it. I have been crafty enough to try to disprove it. We should commend ourselves to everyone's conscience by doing what is right. I don't wish to disprove it anymore lest I ruin a hearer. I should resonate with Paul.

"Even if our gospel is veiled, it is only veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

Let us rather say with Him. "Let the light shine out of darkness," as he has shone (forth) in our hearts to give light to the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus. We are but jars of clay. We tend to be impure and easily broken. We should not care as long as the light is allowed to shine out of the darkness. This will expose truth and error more than anything. Arminianism contains some darkness if it is in error. I believe this darkness is the tendancies that overlap works and grace. Let us show works and grace are separate and men shall see that they cannot contribute. They shall see Calvinism.

Finally, we who know the things of light aught to walk in them. I must look at myself before I even should try to correct another believer. Not because I know and feel that I am right, but because it must be something that gives grace to the hearer. It must be for their good.

I think recognizing that we have no part; it is all grace; is a good thing. I will talk about doctrine that I believe shows this. It can perhaps be seen outside hence it is not essential. The Holy Spirit provides the best framework to see this grace. Yet, I don't feel that it can be seen doctrinally consistent without Calvinism. I am thinking this was in response to the "where's the beef article". It was showing me that its the gospel first and foremost is that makes people better. Theology is meant only for the prevention of illness. It is not a cure. It follows that part 1 should point people to christ. Not away as the good shepherd of our souls.

Confession of Lacking Compassion

I don't have enough compassion. I don't necessarily factor others into my prayers very often. My own relation with God is good. Yet, I need to relate more and more with others. I need to grow further into the body of Christ. Grace has been poured out by such. Yet, not just horizontally but vertically. I know that in some non-biblical sense of this aim: Where there is a will, there is a way. I need more compassion for there to be a way. I need more of a will.

I know what part of the body of Christ that I belong to. I am seeing I am not meant to stand alone, even if my giftings allow for it much more easily. It may have been good for a time but that time is has now past. (I cannot attribute my perspectives to my church or any theological laziness on my part.) I wish that I can see the value of others in my life more, not just close friends but all friends and people. I need to think along these lines: "Why should I let others stand alone? Especially when I see that I shouldn't. Before and after Christ" I have a heart at times. I know it is not weak or faint. It is rather far from constant. It is far from what it aught to feel most times. It needs to be informed of its weakness. This comes across in evangelism or the lack thereof. My compassion only is fostered once an event has already been started. This lack of compassion comes across in my short attention span for small talk and most talk with people. I wrote this confession cause I need to inform myself of the truth as much as I need grace. I shall boast in my weaknesses so that the power of grace shall dwell in me.

I choose You because You choose me.

Let's consider choice. Accepting the gospel is not some capricious action. It is not rash but rational and heartfelt. It is not a heartless choice like choosing a black t-shirt vs. a navy t-shirt. Frosted flakes or Fruit Loops. It is not a irrational choice like spending money vs throwing it out a window. God is glorified in our choice because we engage in it with all of our being. We must choose Him in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. We must choose Him from the very center of our being. Our choice is important. It is not something that we come to lightly. I propose that we cannot.

It is from this position that I wish to discuss our choice in salvation. One would scarely say to a spouse or a loved one. "I choose to love you on some rash choice of mine." Compared this to "I love you from the very center of my being. You are irresistible. I could not do anything but love you when we met." I would go as far to say that the first one is a slap in the face. Why do we say such to God? The second one reflects reality better. God is too great in the gospel to not love.

Now, I am saying that this choice flows from a quality within the person lets them love God. This seems simple, but oh how difficult people make this. Jesus emphatically in John 10:25-26 says "I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father’s name bear witness about me, 26 but you do not believe because you are not part of my flock." The context of John 10 is salvation and its benefit. The sheep are not just believers for God has other sheep not yet of the fold. (verse 16) He will call them and they will come also.

I have suggested that those who are christians have somehow found a way to love God from the center of their person thus choose. They have been able to do this because of something that makes them different from others. Something makes them sheep. Now are they just better people? By no means, Christ died for us when we were still enemies of the cross. Not friends. We went astray following the course of this world before he called us out of darkness. He died for us while we who consisted of only the flesh were enmity against Him. He did not come to save the righteous but the unrighteous.



God must somehow make christians, sheep within salvation. I suggest this something the Holy Spirit does by giving man a new spiritual nature; giving man a heart of flesh and removing their heart of stone;causing them to be born again before faith to faith; regeneration. It is a single act of God. It falls within God's choice to do this so that man chooses rightly from the center of His person. Since it within the choice of God to appoint someone to this end, it falls under the normal meaning of an 'election'. His election. He really only appoints people to salvation and leaves the rest. A choice is still made by us to be saved from our very center. It is just preceded by God's. It is not upon the man who strives or runs but it is upon God to have mercy. He will have mercy on whom he will have mercy. He will have compassion on whom he will have compassion.

Let us look further at why the other possibilities which aren't. One idea is that all men contain some goodness in their hearts, not fallen, to choose christ. Thus our will is not fallen. This seems suspect for our finest efforts are filthy rags. They are always shot through with sin. We have each gone our own way. No one seeks after God. No one does good. They have become worthless. See Romans 3. Doing good is an act of the will. It is fallen. This is in our nature. After salvation, We can see clearly and feel the conviction that choosing salvatinon is to do good, to seek after God, and to follow his way. Furthermore, placing the choice in one's nature has problems in distinguishing this choice from the ability to do good anytime. Such an ability would make faith unnecessary.

Another idea is that God precedes our choice with just enough grace to make it free again. Prevenant grace. This seems more tennable. Since this grace does not change the person, the choice and the grace remain indistinguishable. The problem here is that prevenant grace lacks scriptural support. Now, I feel this is false like retained goodness because I think if everyone could see the choice aright they'd freely choose to be saved.

It sets up a contradition to what it is to be a free choice. I cannot see why one would live in sin. Prevenant grace would have to consider God allowing rejection. I cannot see this either. Christ came to save the worst of sinners. He came to save the ones who practice unbelief and idolatry. Ones who would try to reject him by it. The sin which Christ died cannot keep them away from salvation. Christ must deal with the sin of unbelief in His Death or His death is insufficent for the all types of sin. He deals with all sin on the cross. I cannot see Him not saving those who originally reject if they are meant to obtain salvation.

Confession of Bad Prayer

I have never been great at praying aloud. Sometimes I'm OK. Sometimes my prayers are highly fragmented. My mind fails often when the Spirit is not guiding me. It is hard for you to miss. My mind fails when I don't feel the grace making my prayer more fluid. When I don't feel God subjectively being there even when I know he is, in truth and by faith.

If this happens, my mind gets caught in a thought loop. It searches for what my heart wishes to ask. I don't know why I can't just conjure up some fluff to fill in the gaps. It should be so easy but I just can't. The Lord's prayer as an outline doesn't always help either. I could structure my prayer more but I don't know if it is always necessary.

I don't know if this is good or bad spiritually for me, that I can't pray well at times. I also know I aught to pray sometimes but not always what. Luckily, the Spirit, as an advocate, is praying for me with groanings too deep for words. I know this to be so very true. I have seen answers to prayers that were incoherent and inchoate longings in the back of my mind. They had remained as unformed words and thoughts that I felt and longed for God to answer. They had little tags on them that wished God would them fix. He has occationally answered them to His Glory. I am so very greatful for it. It proves scripture (Romans 8:26) to be so very true. To the point that I am not condemned about the inadequacy of my prayers.

With this said, perhaps God wishes for me to know more scripture verses, so that he can use them in my prayer to link it to his promises. Pray His words back to Him. It sounds absurd but really isn't. Everything that I have read says that this makes for good prayers aloud too. This is sometimes true in my failures in prayer but not always. I know the gist of those scriptures well enough. It should not matter. I don't know what to do with my awkward pauses from time to time. At least not right now. The only words that I can never forget to pray are "Be merciful on me, a sinner. You alone can make me competent."

Where's the beef?

People today are busy selling big fluffy buns for theology. I have to ask "Where's the beef?" This is a throw back to a generation before my time, although this remains a valid question.

Since I am cooking ground beef right now... If you really want to know where the beef is; its busy thawing so I thought I would blog. This beef I would venture to say has spent ages in the freezer. It needs to be brought out. It is needs to be served. It needs to be consumed. This is the same for theology and spiritual red meat that people have set aside in order to eat chicken. Or in order to eat preprepared food. There comes a time that one must cook for themselves. A time in which one must form their own spiritual convictions.

This is not the order of today but should be in some fashion. Red meat is not always bad. Christians need to get a little more zinc for their immune system. They need a little more iron for their strength. Christians are growing anemic without red meat.
Some try to avoid controversy. Some try to avoid the difficult areas of doctrine. Do not shy away from such if they are in the Word. Christians need to reconsider such adversion.

They have forgotten how to tenderize hard doctrine with important nuances. They have forgotten how to season it with grace as with salt. They believe it cooks in the flames of hell. Yet, they forget it is in the skillet on the stove, held in God's hand. We are not talking about damnable doctrine that rightly has fallen into the flames. We are talking about things that good christians disagreed on. I am taking about the doctrines of the reformation.


They aren't essential to be a christian but they may be important for one's health. First, the doctrines can be very bad if eatten raw. The cold interior is exactly that. It will put people off. It may even make them sick. It can be bland if they do not see the cross in them. We do not need dead orthodoxy either. The doctrines can be tough and hard to swallow when too well done. Especially when there is not enough understanding that it is from the actions of God and not some blind godless fate, that doesn't work for our good. Unlike chicken there is a difference in red meat when it comes to being well-seasoned, tenderized, and a range of being done. This does not mean we aught to avoid red meat. It just means we need to be all the more careful with it. Its ok if you don't eat it daily. God and the gospel is so much better. Yet, sometimes there is nothing more satisfying outside of God than biting into a juicy steak or hamburger that he created and ordained.

Science and Art

I have talked about science a few times on my blog recently and I have used it as an example in the past to talk about God. My views of science and math are slowly eroding, especially in my last post. Its cold calculated shell is long gone for me. It is slowly becoming perceived as almost an art and a philosophy within its own little world. It is something that has details slowly being worked out, as if it is a drawing. As if it is an art by which People are tracing the lines of God's creation.

I look at the past only to see that this is how science and math were seen at one time. Not apart but related and inseperable to religion/art. Sir Isaac Newton wrote on religion as much as physics. Leibniz wrote on infinity and the infinite perfection of the world that God created as well as infinitesimals (dx), integrals, and Calculus. I am wondering if this view of science is meant to bring me full circle so that my mind is content to put together the things of God into art, more so than His creation into something. This may mean going another route than my science related career. I plan to pursue this more over winter break. I shall not neglect my other plans either; Graduate school in my science related career. I have doors opening but I really wish to see one open here. I wish to knock some more and see the way open further. I have seen the door open wider for fighting sin. I am seeing God act but I am not content with just that. I need Him also.

The door may not open in this direction for me but I wish it to. Yet, His plans will be for my good. I would like to call out that the way forward is too narrow and uncertain but I know it is wide, defined, and gracious enough towards me by faith. I plan on releasing some of my writings of a christian novel (100 pages are written so far) to a friend asking for His critical judgments of my endeavor. If I should force myself forward, in the full force of conviction. I have the calling to write by God but I do not know to what end.

The Forest and the Trees of Science

I thought about science today as I was reading Job 38. Oh, how many want to give the short immediate answer to a question. They then think they understand things. This answer is never fully right. Science wants to answer who God is. Yet, it does so at is own peril. Its strength becomes its weakness. Let me explain something by science. You reading this very blog. You would say that this is because you are on your computer... Oh how slight that answer is.

Once upon a time sun radiated light (black body radiation) because of heated incandesent gasses from a nuclear reaction. This energy travels to earth and then is captured on a chlorophyll array in a plant's chloroplast. Two photons of energy hit this array and release electrons. The electrons jump over a bridge and are collected at the center of the array. The electrons reacts with a molecule of water. The water is split into hydrogen and oxygen. These atoms are separated across a barrier of phosopholipid molecules. The hydrogen (acidic) gradient is then used create ATP in the chloroplast. This ATP molecule gives energy to another molecule NADH? that reduces CO2 from the air. The CO2 molecule then enters the Calvin-Benson cycle. It is attached to PGAL (6 step process?) and converted into a sugar. This sugar is next polymerized by catalysts into starch or into cellulose. These molecules reside in the plant. The plant is then consumered or it dies and goes into the acidic soil. The remains undergo chemical changes but c-c bonds remain after all is through. The plant remains are turn into coal by pressure, heat, and time. The coal is then harvested from the earth and carried long distances to a power plant. The coal is burnt and Heat is given off. This heat energy is turned into pressure as a phase change liquid to gas occurs. (Steam generation.) The resultant pressure supplies force to turn a turbine mechanically. The kinetic energy of the turbine moves wires through a magnetic field. The magnetic field slows down the turbine as the mechanical energy induces an electric voltage. This current then travels along high voltage wires away from the power plant. It reaches a step down transformer that consist of two coils of wires in which another magnetic field is created and used to induce an electric voltage from one set of coils to the other. Energy is practically transmitted through thin air again! This happens once or twice to reduce the voltage so that it can be used by us. The energy then travels to an outlet in which your computer is plugged in. The computer power supply converts the AC sinusodal current to the DC linear current. The power then travels through a bunch of specially designed sets of logic gates that consist of special material properties (pn junctions of semiconductors etc). The result is that they act as chips that return answers of yes or no based on the logic of and/or. These logic operators use on and off signals consisting of this power. These signals are interpreted twice. Once into characters. Again into a language with defined functions. The computer then displays the result on your screen. You computer also gathers other signals transmitted over another set of wires powered in a similar fashion. It then displays this blog.

No one would have normally thought that this blog is powered by the very force that holds together the atom. The very forces that are imprinted onto the fabric of space-time. The power behind the logic of this science is inescapable. It is inescapably complex. It is so with seeking God by nature.

I was trying so very hard at seeking God in nature to see to what degree it was possible but to no avail. I was trying to find him with logic. I perhaps got as far back as the very fabric of space. I could not find God by wisdom of this world. No matter how hard I tried there was too much noise. I found there to be a vicious cycle of knowledge without knowledge. Wisdom without Wisdom. Oh, the foolishness of science that tries to know a simple thing does not see it is really far from simple. The ground of the complete answer is much more difficult than the cause to establish. Yet, it is equally valid as a cause.

God is almost too great for us to see. We are busy looking at things too small for Him. God is behind the smokescreen of all material things that exist and are. He is the thing that causes them to exist as they are. He spoke and they came into being. That is his power. I consider the millions of physics calculations that happen within the span of a second. What computer could calculate such. What could contain these laws and calculations without it being supported by something/someone with omniscience. God is wholy seperate here. This is part of His eternal power and attributes displayed in creation which are undeniable. It is through Him and by Him that all things were created. John 1. It is through him that they also exist for his glory.

Now, God needs to reveal himself and bring to nothing this wisdom of man. He is the world's source of wisdom. Imperfect after the fall. It cannot stand complete without Him. God need not ask us like Job to answer Him. I fear that we will not give Him the right answer if He did. What is worse is that we think we have that answer when we surely do not have any ground to stand on.

"2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? 3Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. 4Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding."

Man is caught in his own craftiness. It weaves a beautify tapestry but the ends remain unraveled. I found God later but this was not in nature. The irony is that He found me. We cannot hid from Him. He is the source of our wisdom, knowledge, and science. He is not subrational but supra-rational. He is not sub-personal but super-personal. In Him we move and have our very being. In Him we are who we are. Yet, we also in Him cry for him to have mercy upon us sinners. We are not perfect as he.

Now the impossibility of knowing God in nature is corrected by God himself. He gave believers His Spirit lest we can never know Him. Yet, The Holy Spirit is not of this creation. In part or in whole. It is by Him that my connection to God is secured. I am saved and born again. It is by Him that I find God loving. And love God in finding.

The Strength, Power and Way of Grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ""My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

I am seeing the latter part of this verse more and more. Oh, how I believed the strength of grace so much that I felt I was without it. I did not comprehend that this verse was not propping up the strength of grace. This is an easy misunderstanding. Oh, I knew how strong God's grace could be. I knew how this strength could be sufficent. I had felt this many times. Yet, his grace is just as sufficent when we don't feel it.

I knew grace was always sufficent and powerful but it was never strong enough for me. Yet, I now realize that I was confusing grace's power and strength (which is its power dwelling in us). I knew what it was to be 'without grace' and go through dark periods of faith. I see now that: We are really never without grace. We are only without its effects, which are individual graces themselves. We are without those. I doubted grace's sufficency in a sideways manner from such a confusion. I sought God about it and I felt that he refused to me grace. Multiple times with the same answer. It seemed strange. I could not escape that He was telling me No.... NO, How could He tell me No? I was spoiled by grace. It is unmerited. In truth, He had rather refused for the particular grace of having its power dwell in me to change. The grace itself remained sufficent. He reminded me of the sufficency a few times but I did not understand. I thought this to be the problem but the problem was elsewhere.

The verse that was meant to be the solution became part of the problem. I thought that because of the lack of Grace's strength. Grace in my life lacked power and by extension sufficency. This was a contradiction too great for me, so I then considered the fact that I lack grace altogether here. My assurance was rocked a few times but I was confused and dishearted about it. Remnants of past legalism also helped drive a wedge further. This tore me apart. I began picking at His providence in fighting sin in my life. Something I could not do at that time very well. I doubted God's goodness and God's timing in giving grace. I did this more than once.

I was only getting the standard answers. I was getting the answers of Job. They did not seem to help me then. I was shaking my fist at God because of my felt lack of grace. I was shaking my fist at God for not changing me. I was doubting His goodness. I was doubting His grace. I did not like His timetable. My sin was habitual and a constant source of condemnation. Yet, the occational sin of doubting his love was greater still.

The answers of Job only have helped me marginally. Of course, the gospel helped in this time with the effects but I remained without a remedy to the cause. I can now thank Him because I see wisdom in the delay. I knew of this wisdom by Job. Yet, I did not. I can now say that My ears have heard and now my eyes have seen. I am about to repent in ashes over my past actions and thoughts. I have yet to humble myself some more over this sin.

I think I am seeing that His power is meant to be perfected in our weaknesses. The power of grace becomes perfected here and its strength dwells with us. It still isn't merited by our weakness. It is grace still but this is the way that God intend for it to dwell in us. We have His word on such. We are to hold this grace in jars of clay. We can never be part of the solution. I always thought that grace is powerful and invincible. Yes, it is but grace's strength comes elsewhere. This verse shows the way of that grace as much as it shows its sufficency outside of its felt strength. Grace is to be perfected and dwell in us by our weaknesses.

If you are 'without grace' or rather its strength for it is sufficent regardless, you need to become weaker. God may even intend for you to boast about your weaknesses. I will continue to pray for power to change but now I see I need to be weaker still. I need to decrease so that He may increases. I have started to comprehend what the answer of Job means in my life. God intended that I let others share some of my burdens. He also intended that I move past my insecurities and be transparent more. In exposing sin and bring sin to the light. Not just to Him but specifically to others. He is growing me in relationships almost as much as I have wanted Him to. I just did not know how he was going to do it.

The floodgates of grace, or rather its power, have opened widely recently. Not necessarily from others, but from God also. It is from this that I can praise God in His wisdom and providence in the appearant delay. And repent in ashes over my sins in the time between. I hope that such a grace does not come to an end anytime soon. I am on the fast track of growth right now and don't want to slow down. That one sin remains in a lesser form. I still want it dead. I still need further grace. I still need less strength so that I can have more of it. I may have to boast in my weaknesses.

Confession of Insecurity

I thought that I should write about this. I know that everyone has insecurities. I am just very sensitive about my own. Some of this is vanity. Some of it is history. I was the kid on the playground that was picked on. I was called names. I was called things like 'gay', not that a kid could even be such at that age! Needless to say I was offended and hurt many times. I got into many fights in elementary school perhaps the most in my class. I had anger management problems. I don't now because I grew out of it naturally.

I was still picked on by various people all the way until high school. I had turned into a loner by then. A loner with loner friends who did loner things while sitting at a loner lunch-table. This continued until my last year of high school. This year I had some friends that I could relate to. We didn't really do much together but I felt I could at least relate to them. This was a large step forward. These people were the people that were in top of my class, but they were far from nerdy.

Now lets fast forward to my first semister of freshman year in College. I had found progressively more friends. Some were dorm rats, gamers, and fellow engineer/honors people. Some were loners but not all of them. I would hardly characterize these as deep friendships. Yet, I could hang out with them a lot.

I didn't feel these friendships were suffiecent. I was also a Christian who desired to go to a good church. I could not live outside of attending one. Yet, I was not necessarily fully decided on which church. I had made some 'friends' in a campus ministry that I could relate to in the Lord. After an unfortunate attempt at humor, I had acquired the nickname "Buttercup". The joke was on me. Oh that nickname dredged up old insecurities. It was too feminine/dainty for my tastes. I guess I gave the girls a pass on calling me it. Although, I hated the guys who called me that. I was fuming angry more than once about it. I like the church that I had found but this nickname made me consider just starting over with new friends and new people at the BCM. It hurt.

I am sure I was mean to more than just a few guys who called me that nickname. I can shrug it off now that I have true friendships established. And I am not hearing it over and over like a kid on the playground. 4+ times at single meeting. I am kind of certain that someone said something to stop it. Sorry about being mean though. I can't escape all my insecurities. I still working on some of them.

The Lord is growing me in dealing with this area of my life from what I have gathered. I am going to be my own person regardless. I can make fun of myself but I tend to be insecure when others do. I need to grow in my relationships with others. If I can't be secure in myself, luckily I know I can be secure in the Lord. In our weakness he is strong.

What is Christian Maturity?

I have recently stated that Christian Maturity is marked by communion and faith in the Gospel. The Gospel is nothing less than the actions of God/God himself. There is also unity of the spirit in Christian Maturity. There is something more than just these things. A mature christian is marked by the knowledge that He does not know God enough.

This seems to be counter-intuitive. A mature christian aught to fully know God, right? This is far from the case. Even though they know a great deal more about Him than others, in their heart and in their lives. God lives in a place that men cannot reach. He lives beyond the veil such that no man has seen God but by faith. They may have come closer but one cannot reach the sun by merely flying. Yet, Oh how I have felt like Icarus at times. God is sure to cause every knee to bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord. Christians who think they know God (as well as non-Christians who don't) at the sight of Him shall bow low and confess Him as Lord.

Mature Christianity is marked by seeking Him out further with a steadfastness that cannot be shaken. These Christians are not content with just communing with a semblance of God that exists in their minds. It is not about continually learning doctrine for such is not knowing God, but having a better picture of Him. God will always show himself to be much greater that such a picture, given that he has a canvas to work off of. These Christians desire spiritual meat to chew on. They wish to commune with the 'real' God who is seated on the throne.

It is towards the God who is incomprehensible that mature Christians must pattern their life and commune/fellowship with on increasing levels of intimacy, based on the Gospel. It is towards God that they must continually seek and long after. It is towards God that they must continually find loving and love finding. It is toward this God that they must realize that they don't/can't know Him enough. He is wholly holy. No one can be a mature christian without realizing and making a habit of seeking him out. This is what I feel is christian maturity. I believe I have yet to reach it. Maybe some day. Yet, no one can truly reach it. Luckily, there is grace to this end. God has a habit of drawing all things to himself by the actions of the Holy Ghost, by the death of the Son, and By the sovereign rule of the Father. Luckily, there is the gospel. Which pretty much says He already has in Christ. God had to do away with sin so that men could have peace with Him once again. So that men may return and be blessed by God. He gifts us the greatest thing. Himself. God is our inheritance.

Salvation and babies.

I have recently spent some time with a baby. They're interesting little people. It was from my interaction with one that this passage took on new meaning.

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing these little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

Babies have a short attention span, at least so it seems as they crawl around exploring. It is not that short, especially when they are being held. Their attention span then seems to lengthen into ages, as they stare up at you from your arms into your eyes. (A baby happened to choose me to hold him for some reason, today. I do not know why.) He sat there contently staring up into my eyes. I had no choice but to return that gaze. My choices were to cherish him, or coldly look away with indifference from such a heartfelt gaze.

It is so with the gospel. You can intently look into the face of God and his salvation, or you can look away with indifference. Now people will look away with indifference because they do not cherish what is under their nose. This is not because salvation is so very far away from everyone or they did not understand it. It is their total depravity. It is not in their heart to care for such a thing. They would not return the gaze of God. This is not an act of their will for it grows tiring to stare into a child's eyes. It is easy to look away. I know I had trouble returning that gaze in all its intensity, especially from a child to whom I have no relation. This is first an act of the heart. For God's kingdom/salvation, a heart that can scarely love God is certain to look away. It can scarcely look unless God changes the heart from stone to flesh to respond. All natural men will look away with indifference if the Christ child were to be dropped into their laps. They could not care or cherish him. They find it much too difficult of an effort.

God's care for me recently

I have felt Psalm 37 immensely recently, flowing first from Isaiah 30:19-22 and Jeremiah 29:4-14. The desires of my heart are being met as I continue in my conviction to fear and commune with God. There are many answered prayers in this last week relating to my career, my sin, and my future. I have been given peace. I am following to the left or the right at the urging of God. "This is the way, walk on it." He has sent me on a path. I am not sure on its end but it is good. I know how to walk on it by faith not by sight. Yet, I have discerned or rather have been shown what this direction is by the Holy Spirit. I see a hope and a future as its end. In all of this, its like I'm learning to breathe. I'm learning to live again. It is both easier and harder being in the hands of God.

I feel my temptations are heavier in my conscience once again. I feel much lighter in casting them off too. My feelings are no longer stuck in seeing twilight. (At least right now.) I do not see what is merely infront of me right now but things that consist of both heaven and hell; not intermixed but seperate. Temptation and grace. The measure to which He has poured out grace on me recently has yet to see an end. God is a faithful guardian over his sheep.

I have been growing like crazy since just before Anthem in it all. Anthem had only a little to do with it. Oh, how sin came full forced at me that day. Yet, my communion with God was not broken by it. It was covered by the blood of Christ. He has set me in a high place and I have assurance that I shall not fall headlong to destruction. Thanks be to God!

For the Love of God, People

For the love of God, People!!!

Using this phase today seems very close to cursing. It is used as a last resort when every other motive has failed. It is used to pull on one’s very soul to motivate it. It is as if the person using this phrase was desperate on the verge of defeat. It is as if they appealing to the very last on the list of what motivates. For many people, this is a last ditch attempt to cling at one’s soul.

It is strange that this phrase is seen as such. It stands to reason that it is of top priority to real Christian motivation. This phrase was once much higher on that list of motivators. It was once at the top. It was once the puritan’s life blood to do good works. It propped up the protestant work ethic along with the desire to glorify God. It has now become almost a relic in our language. The theology behind it is seen dated as men try to move on to bigger and better things.

The love of God being a motivator isn’t a recent invention. This is nothing less than recognizing the gospel and being moved by it. It has always been around in different degrees since Christ walked the earth. What has changed is that this idea is not common today. If a person is in pain, we tell them to toughen up. If a person is feeling down, we tell them to cheer up. If a person is unmotivated, we tell them to try harder. These things hardly motivate. They assume that the source of motivation lies somewhere within our will. It does not. We aught to try but we should not presume that we can. No Rosie, No we can't do it. Whatever you say, Frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. It is not on the man who runs or strives but it is upon God to have mercy. We are saved by grace. It should not be suprising that we are also motivated by it. That's the problem Rose. A christian cannot be motivated to work in the same way as a non-christian. One needs to consider God in it all. It is ultimately God who must help us to both will and to work. It is God himself and the love of Him that must motivate us. This is not in ourselves.

Jeremiah 13:23 "Can the Ethiopian change his skin Or the leopard his spots? Then you also can do good Who are accustomed to doing evil."

What is impossible (motivation to especially to change) with man is not impossible with God. Our works need to be seen as having been wrought by God. He must be gloried in all that we do. To him be the glory forever and ever.

How I Feel

I am held in the hands of God. I am slowly warming my wings in the rays of His grace before I fly away after emerging from my winter resting place. I've made some big decisions this week for my future. God is so much bigger than us. He is gentle with his saints but he is not lacking in strength. A picture like this actually came to mind prophetically. I don't really feel like discussing that though. I never do. I just want you to know that this is how I feel. God is good and he is worthy to be praised.

A Confession of Indecision

I have thought about Grad school. I have been judging motives. They are mixed at best. I don't like having mixed motives. This is to say that I have been indecisive. I have not tried to presume upon God though. So much so that I have forgotten all about him in some ways.

This verse has helped me immensely:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Oh, I am seeing so much truth to this statement. Oh, the Lord seared it into my heart. How did I forget it from past experiences?

I spent some time today reading its context in Jeremiah 29. It is the Babylonian exile. It was the plan to bring them out. It was miraclous in that the temple got rebuilt. They left with more than they had gone in with. They went in as slaves and left with possessions and freedom. God told the people to build their houses in exile and find that their welfare is tied to the world's. He told them not to decrease. Some of this is engaging culture. Some of it is issues within secular life. Some of this applies to salvation in general. I don't think this is a calling for me to live out secular life though for he laters calls men out of exile. (Marriage, Ministry, heaven ect.) The holy spirit is indicating that it applies to my college and career pretty thoroughly.

Yet, I am still perplexed about the ending. "I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." I am not sure if this means that my career in engineering will not be where I end up. Or my present location is not where I end up. My spirit is leaning towards the former with regards to my education. God is blessing me in certain areas. Either way, I am increasingly feeling called to put down more roots here in relationships. I am increasingly called to judge success in my endeavors outside of my classes.

The Benefits of Being Young and Single

I have had some time considering what to do with my career. I realized that I am single and young. I will have a degree in a field that is in high demand. Nothing can change that. Any decision I make about my career can't be a bad one since this remains true regardless. Furthermore, any decision that I make can't be a wrong one either because of God's sovereignty. I am not scapegoating wrong decisions. It is just that wrong ones will teach me something I would need to learn. What remains is that I make a choice that really reflects my own priorites rather than priorities that others have for me. I need to merely make a choice that God has ordained and blessed. I can thank God that It is not limited by me growing old or being tied to a new family. These things are good but I am not quite ready. Perhaps shortly I will be.

Convection and providence

I thought about combining dark chocolate and mint green tea. Mint and chocolate right... It was not the greatest combination, not enough sugar/bitter, but the resulting suspension looked interesting. The dark chocolate dissolved into small flakes/specks of cocoa. These specks slowly floated around. They persisted because they were neutrally buoyant. The specs continued to float around for over five minutes. They continued to move despite not being mixed. I watched as the brew continue to swirl. This was the convection of the liquid of the hot tea as it was cooling down.



It is interesting how this little physical phenomena is responsible for so many things. It keeps the oceans alive by moving nutrients to the surface. It keeps fish in lakes alive because the ice forms a barrier over the surface due to convection. It controls rains and winds. Convection determines seasons. It caused the food you eat to be grown. It determines even the very livelihood of people. You very life depends on the natural process called convection. Oh, how something so important is relegated to only a coffee mug. How it is made so small when its importance is so great.

The math of large convection systems and turbulence is skipped over because it is seen as trivial or because science cannot even produce a basic model of it. I feel that people do this very same thing when it comes to God when he acts in small but immeasurable ways. Cynics have always said that the devil is in the details. Oh, how they are so incredibly wrong. It is God. I know this far too well. There have been many coincidences or actions of His Spirit in my life to bring certain things about. Namely my faith in fighting doubts. I cannot deny God's sovereignty. I was drawn to it even before my theology shifted toward being reformed. People who ignore God's providence and sovereignty do so to their harm. They take it as a natural process only to ignore it without cause. Science may attempt to describe God but it cannot even on its most basic level.

Science could never arrive at an answer of 42. Yet, it is too blind to even try. It is too blind to tell what 42 means. It is too blind to see that the reason for everything is the incarnate word. The very word through who and by whom all things were created. The word by which all things exist and are supported in existance. This singular reason is christ and him crucified. The very world exists for Christ; it does not exist for us to be sovereign gods of our own. Puppetry... Certainly not. His absolute sovereignty and redemption through Christ is more like convection. A natural process necessary for life. A natural process which will cause the world to bear fruit to the glory of God. He also has made it easy to forget. Not out of deception but due to its very nature. The universe shouts that God exists. It is just because men don't see it rightly. They trade the truth for idols. The real things that are unknown, are things covered by a veil lest we look up into heaven and perish under the weight of God's holiness and judgment. There is grace here too.

Let God's secrets remain hidden for eternity's eyes.
Let us not question his will or even try.
Let God work in ways that no one knows.
Let its beauty blossom like the unfolding of a rose.

Vanity vs Reality Poem.

-This is the favorite poem that I have written. I thought I'd post it over here-

Should nothing less than Christ be spoken;
Our watch shall be broken.
Swiftly lust and sin will enter in
And our carnal minds darken.

Should our faith rest just on mental frames
To truth it will defame.
Soon this faith would sure and true dissolve
Complete with righteous blame.

Yet should the desires of the heart
Be met by unknown art.
Quickly, Satan would soon devise
Lies to tear our souls apart.

Now let us throw aside the weights that hinder
To embrace the Lord's sweet surrender.
This world is but empty vanity.
Let us find God's love sweet and tender.

For, Christ has bore sins in our stead.
He has taken the lead.
Never was there a chance of defeat.
Victoriously unbroken as a bruised reed.

Christ has saved his people fully.
He bled and died truly.
Come back to your home ye wayward sheep
Of whom he loves eternally.

Should Christ return this very hour.
He shall come in his mighty power.
Jesus shall descend from on high
As mercy rains down a shower.

What if we were all caught up tonight?
Would judgment be a welcomed sight?
Should heaven's veil be pulled away,
Christ shall shine so bright.

Come forth! Quicken without delay.
Christ will clothed his wife today
Our trust so constant shall deliver
And the trumpets shall call the saints away.

Lesser things: Alcohol and Idols

Now, it seems strange for me to post about this on my blog. I shall get to it after my story. I bought my first alcohol today. It was a slight curiosity but also with an intent to cook with it. I like cooking. I bought a Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. It is an Australian White wine that has sharp citrus notes and a dry aftertaste. (I can't stand Chardonnay.) I perhaps cooked 1/2 of the wine (as I intended) and drank the rest from a 750ml bottle. I had a very slight buzz for like 30 minutes. I made a chicken & vegetable dish in a white wine sauce. (It was almost a concotion.) This was served over noodles. The Pinot Grigio was a little more acidic than I thought it would be. I was expecting a heavier olivy taste with less acid but got an acidic clean white. My impressions from prior experience are that acidic Wines seems to be balanced out by Cheese (smoothness against tannin/acid) and mustard (astringency). So I added these ingredients to the sauce. I would rate the overall success of the taste to be a 7. The wine itself tasted a 9/10, relative to my wine prefernce. Yet, the scale for wine itself ranges 0-5/10 verse everything else.



Lets start by saying. I understand alcohol. I have an idea where buzzed ends and drunk begins. Alcohol first slows your senses. Your reactions are delayed. Your mind starts to slow down as it gets harder for your mind to process what you see/think. You begin to have a visual delay much like when you're dizzy from spinning around in circles. You know you are not quite fully there at this point. You are much more clumsy or at least feel it. Yet, drunk begins when slowly you lose control of your body and your thoughts.

When buzzed or drunk, inhibitions go away but convictions generally remain the same. If you desire something, less things will stop you from following through. Eventually not even reason stops you. Luckily, your body is too impared at the point. If you don't desire it, you will not have such a desire bother you. Ok, I have brought all this up to discuss what it means with respect to spirituality.

It is my contention that drunkeness and alcohol do not limit spirituality. They rather take hold of it. It cages the heart like a bird rather than sets the heart free. From here, one's heart is prodded by the devil. Sin is conceived much more easily. Alcohol stops one from running away. All sorts of Idols are allowed to reign unrestrained in one's heart. You can be sure they existed prior but the mind kept them at bay. Excitement from a sports game lasts longer as it takes you longer to fully realize what happened during a play. It takes longer to realize that it may be fun but it is not Godward. Alcohol can set you off on the wrong way. You can't get back easily because you are also limited to a one tract mind. It can scarely help you back to God. Things that displace God do so fully with alcohol. I don't recommend drinking.

I see this a little when buzzed. I am sure it gets progressively worse when becoming drunk. Idols then have free reign then in your heart. This becomes much worse when you become addicted. Alcohol becomes an idol itself then. It may lighten the heart but to what end. Vanity? Drink, be merry for tomorrow you die. Let us find our Joy in God. Alcohol will hinder us. Yet, this becomes more true when considering what evils are unleashed by Alcohol, which are already in our hearts. Let us keep a mind to ask for grace when our hearts are prone to go astray like sheep. Alcohol is a dry wasteland in a wet marsh. It is not an oasis in the desert. Let us skip past this curiousity. Let us not be drawn close by its pull. Let us go on to greater things. Namely God. I don't plan on cooking with alcohol again. I don't plan on buying any more any time soon. I can see its allure but I shall not be filled with its idolatry. I will continue to drink it from time to time but hopefully not out of want or desire.

New and excellent way

I have the impression that God seems to have plans for me but I don't know what they are fully. Or rather how I aught to get there. Transparency is part of it. I believe He has a new and excellent way forward in my life. A calling toward a certain end.

It is something that is related to my career/job. I think I am gifted for such by grace now or will be shortly but I pray for faith to pursue it. Whatever it might be. I don't know what I aught to say about it. It is related either to my Christian Fiction post or it is related to the direction of my career to easily include a wife and a family. Especially overcoming sin to that end. I don't know what else to say about it.

I tried seeking God today about it. He only seemed to echo this idea about a 'new and excellent way.' I am dealing with some important decisions soon. He has given me some peace about it so far. I am going forward with my plans but I don't want to presume upon God. I will do such and such tomorrow if God allows. This is beyond the spiritual gifts/graces that I have been given. It is rather the uses. It involves some form of outporing of love/blessing in what I am going to do but I do not know what that is. Career or family. Maybe both. It seems to be strictly career but this does not seem set in stone. I need to seek God further about this.

Character III

I liked talking to Josh at Care group about my spiritual growth over the last year. Or at least His perception of it in my life. I see my growth happening much earlier than he has seen. His perception seems to go hand and hand with my openess about myself. I am sure some of my spiritual growth was hidden from view. It was hidden under a lamp stand. Few people know my inner spiritual life. I am going to let more people in on the secret. Being smart lets one skirt answers without revealing much. Seriousness keeps the conversation at times merely theological. It is from here that it was easy to not be misleading but keep what one wishes to reveal about themself limited. Only to deal with things rather than issues. God is showing my necessity for transparency. I hope humility follows it.

Ephesians 3

11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. 14 For this reason it says,
“Awake, sleeper,
And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”


Who will awaken and arise with me to see Christ shine in his brilliance? Let the morning brighten as the clouds depart.

I might plan on doing accountability with someone. I think it would be helpful now more than ever. God is still at work to change me. This is the newest thing to reveal. He is also at work in dealing with my lusts but that is more complicated. It has tried my patience always. Especially when trying to rely upon grace. If that means anything to you all.

Character II

I bet you didn't know that I was a hopeless romantic.
I bet you didn't know I am good judge of art as well as science.
I bet you didn't know I can let people walk over me to avoid conflict as long as they don't start a fight. If they do, I finish it.
I bet you didn't know that I see things out of my heart as much as I see them out of my head.
I bet you didn't know I resent any responsibilty that I don't choose to take on.
I bet you didn't know I have anxiety at times but never when I should in the big stuff.
I bet you didn't know I can be impulsive.
(Until you see I am a pyro who does Napoleon dynamite dance moves)
Finally, I bet some of my friends don't know I'm very religious.
Oh how I want to tell the world some of these things about myself. I need grace to this end. That is the facade I'm faced with. Let the light shine brillantly when I have no computer or paper to hide behind.

Character

This is an interesting point in my life because I see potential in my character. This is to say that I see my own independance at being who I am and my insecurities at being such. I see my potential to correct some of those insecurites and refute others. Especially in areas that I have neglected. Anthem was the straw that showed it. It broke the camel's back.

Yet, it is at a cost. New forms of sin are entering my life especially vanity. It was always there but it is not like before. In some ways, I stopped caring about appearances around friends but in other ways I do all the more. I always had a grave seriousness about my personality. I am finding that some of this was a facade. In fairness, it had even me fooled. Yet, calling it a facade does not do it justice. It was a different mindset that was not concerned with inviting people into my life. I hope to do this more. It is not quite the same as shyness. It is more about being willing to disclose more of oneself rather than needing to be asked the right questions. And being slight with answers. I think this is part of it. Or at least the solution. I will have to get back to you on that.

Next, what is strange is immaturity has returned from some unknown place. I was never immature before. NEVER. I am more immature now than in high school. IMAGINE THAT!! I'm baffled but not surprised at the deceitfulness of sin. I hope to figure this out. Change is difficult but it is for my good. Here is my resigned INTJ Personality broken down further.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||| 23% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||| 16% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||| 23% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||| 16% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex || 10% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||| 16% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity || 10% Indie |||||||||| 36%

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