My EMO phase

I said that I’d talk about Christ more on my blog. I haven’t finished talking about myself though. I hope to find some compromise here and end this trend. I want to show you that Christ’s strength is being perfected in my weakness. I want to show His surpassing goodness toward those he loves. I am changing in some fashion for the better. This emo phase shall soon pass. I do not where I get off this roller-coaster but it is not here. I hope to be moving on from what started a month ago. At least this emo phase is giving me confidence and experience to do what I feel is difficult emotionally. I hope to retain some humility and some understanding of my depravity from it all. I hope that it makes me see Christ more. Not less.

I want the truth of these following verses to be seen, and be seen in me. It is by grace wrought by God. It is exposing the truth and letting the darkness come into the light. It is Christ being formed more completely in me.

“19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” John 3:19-20 KJV

“5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:” Colossians 3:5-10 KJV

I feel like I am in the process of putting off the old man and putting on the new man. I am in the process of doing and saying what is true. I am in the process of exposing things that I cannot hold onto any longer. I am beginning to see the new man. He is broken but he is real. He isn't what I expected. I want what is left to be Christ, but I look at the cross to see another broken man. Christ who is more broken by sin than even me. That is who I see. A man who is carrying about a body of death.

I am not comfortable with the EMO change in my character but I know it must be for now. Sin is still wishing me to stay silent on the full extent of my brokenness, the depth of my depravity. It is telling me to forget about grace and change. It is telling me lies that I cannot bare. The truth shall set me free, from my own illusory prison. I might be silent for a while longer but my confidence is growing again. I am convinced others are part of the solution. Sin is wishing for me to hold onto the darkness. I cannot hold onto it anymore than I can hold onto the light.

The Problem of Sex and Needs

Sex tends to obscure the divisions of intimacy in more complicated ways. This is seen in lust. Lust, the desire sex, may be confused with healthy desires for other forms of intimacy. The spirit and the flesh are at war with each other by setting up conflicting desires. The deceitful heart will set up lies so that one is left feeling empty and disillusioned when one tries to fulfil the need wrongly with sex and the need remains unfulfilled. Sex is not a solution. Relationships often are.

The actual needs and desires may be: closeness (physical non-sexual), anxiety/anger/boredom/tired/drained/loneliness (emotional/intellectual), idolatry (spiritual), and of course there is also real lust(sexual). The list is not short or exhastive.

The solution and virtue set up against lust in the Bible is self-control. It is not specifically pursuing chastity. That is good but it is really the natural result of self-control. As strange as it sounds, lust comes down to self-control of most of one's desires. Many people think it is just their sexual desire that needs controlling or fixing. Humans are more than just sexual creatures but sexuality is also integrated into who we are. I am just starting to see that lust is multi-faceted in origin.

Lust has a way of finding friends for a one night fling among your desires. Taking them out and having their way with em. Sexual desire alone is a much smaller beast to tame. We need to know what the other desires are in the fight before we can effectively control lust. These other repressed desires may have other outlits which we aught not neglect. Namely God and healthy relationships/friendships that we shouldn't be missing out on in the confusion.

Finally, Christ is a solution to many of the problems. He is our rightful husband. Marriage and most of its corresponding intimacy may be fulfilled in Christ. Yet, not necessarily Christ alone. I disagree with Paul's opinion on celebacy at least for myself. I personally know that I need others in my life. I believe this will include a wife in the future.

ps. I wish to return to talking about Christ on my blog. I have spent too much time thinking about myself. Far too much.

Needs

Ok, I haven't entirely stopped thinking about some of the lasts posts. My blog has gone a little EMO. Oh well! I guess that's ok for now. I am just realizing how needy I am in so many areas. I am also just realizing how confused I am about what I really want. As far as the hole in my friendships, I am just starting to understand the differences between intellectual, spiritual, emotional, physical(nonsexual), and sexual intimacy in friendships/relationships. They don't substitute for each other.

I need to see that these desires don't crossover either. No matter how much I feel they do. I need to see what I want from different relationships and interactions with people.

Vanity

Ok, these last few days, I have been staying up kind of late just contemplating different things. I have been thinking about appearances. I have been able to sleep but I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I am the same. Some of this is from my current depression/melancholy. I've been too serious. (I don't believe this is the same as thinking too deeply on serious things. I need to start small by being content in finding God's will and doing it in simple things.)

Although the main problem is not that. It is that I've been doing so many things that are out of character as of late. I need more confidence. I need to know who I am. Or who I am becoming more clearly. I feel like I am becoming a loser. I feel like I am about to sell out. What I mean by becoming a loser is having nothing left that is really my own. Nothing that is not laid bare and exposed. Nothing that is just mine wedged in as a vain lie between reality and perception. I don't want this at all but I know that Christ hid nothing, while still hiding everything. I know it is the next step to take.

I've been on a spiritual rollercoaster for a month and a 1/2. It's the longest one I've been on. I am coming to the point that I feel like I need to hit the e-brake and while wanting to hit the gas. I need more independance but I see I need others. I need to be comfortable with my own person but I need change badly, which I believe God is effecting it with others.

I still need to know if it is all necessary though. I am still quite fragile and have many fears. I am only human and I know I can be hurt very easily. I don't want to be in that position. Some fears probably are reasonable. Some fears aren't. I am afraid of burning bridges. I am afraid of the wrong impressions. And I am afraid of sin. Yet, it is all but empty vanity.

I don't envy anyone else's station in life for I am sure they have their own problems. (At one time I did envy them.) I am trying to be spiritually content in it all. I have always found it difficult. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whatever comes of this. Let it be known that it is being wrought by God. I know this is so in more than one way.

Candlelight Eve Service

I was at a united methodist church for a Christmas Eve service. Let's just say that dipping bread in wine, a female pastor giving the message and distributing communion, the high church rituals, and the present darkness were too much for me. I was not impressed. I've felt more at home in a catholic church. I don't feel like talking about it all. The Holy Spirit could use some of it, in fact He did, but there was little substance here. (One section He indicated for me to listen was about wisdom and knowledge leading the wisemen to Christ's feet.) I tuned the rest out for I could not bear it. It seemed too much like the female pastor was reading an english paper with soft spoken generalities. I did not feel right about the situation. There was too much stain glass and too much dead wood. I felt my senses were being dulled by beautiful music for them to be totally reliable. I still didn't like the situation afterward.

I reserved my right to refuse communion for the first time last night. I did so at a catholic church but that is different in my mind. I was afraid that I was being self-righteous. Maybe, either way my heart and head were not right to take it. They perhaps were right before God but not in that church. I could not consent or condone the actions of that church. I could not submit myself to commune with such. Theologically first. With the dipping of bread into wine and a female pastor. Second, its uncertain overflow into my heart. Third, I thought it to be unclean so it was unclean for me. I did not feel Christ being exalted there. I did not feel like the service benefited me.

Finally, I still could sincerely say "Merry Christmas" to the female pastor afterward. If that means anything. I am not happy about what went on last night. I don't want to think that I did my duty and went to church. For My soul did not greatly benefit. I was present but not attending.

Not Quite Right 2

Hmmm, Who would have thought that reading about God's judgment of the world, in Ezekiel, today would have help me make sense of my feelings. At least for sin in general. It seems so very odd. I have long since given up on second guessing things that seem counter-intuitive. Some people think these sections of the bible are only there to condemn. Some people think that hell or at least God's judgment is only to scare unbelievers. Far from it, everything in the Bible is meant for Christians. It is eternal. It is not so christians can self-righteously look down on those under judgment. It is so we can cast ourself in with that lot and cry "Be mercy on me a sinner." Or know that we are of that lot to fully know the extent of grace. It is so we can look to Christ and make sense of this world.
I still need to spend more time in the word.

Not Quite Right

Mood: Everything's Going to Hell but could be worse.

I've got the feeling that everything is not quite right. (I'm pretty sure its not prophetic.) It is a general feeling but it feels so specific and applicable to me. I know that all creation groans for adoption. (Romans 8) I know that everything is created by, through, and ruled by God. He is the reason/word behind it all. (John 1) I still have a nagging idea that things are not quite right. I can't escape it. Its been pulling me down today.

I know that such a truth should rather be encouraging. Christians are called from lives that are out of this world but in it. Christians should see problems with the world right now. Christ had to come; it was necessary. He had to come to make it right. The world is never perfect but I believe it aught to be. I see how far it has fallen short. The world will be changed like clothes at the comming of Christ. I need to remind myself of that and the cure for everything else till then. The gospel.

I know the problem is my functional lack of belief that creation will be redeemed and is being summed up in Christ as we speak. It is spilling overing into me basing stuff on my subjective feelings. I know that God works all things for good but that is not what I feel.

Furthermore, I feel like I should be convicted of some sin. Instead I'm convicted of sin in general in the world. I see my inability to overcome it all and the necessity for more faith. I see my own depravity and hate my own person in some ways. It is not quite condemnation but close. It is melancholy. Yet, I am not who I was even a few years ago. My condition is slowly getting better. It is not by my efforts. I know that God wills and works within me but I still feel deadly ill. I need to look out my boring stale 'hospital room' and let the light of christ shine on me. Not envy the outdoors in doing so but feel the present warmth of its rays.

I need to remind myself of truth and God's actions on my behalf. Both meditating on His providence or spending time in His word. I've been woefully lacking this and in speaking truth to my life recently.

Just Another Personality Test

My personality has changed a bit since High school. I'm not quite out of my shell though. I am still a nerd but thats ok. My perception of science has changed. Art and beauty have more value. I've become more independant. I hang with friends often. I am trying to cultivate deeper friendships with them. Finally, my intellect is more suited for analysis. You can compare this with the results if I had taken this in High school. (I took the quiz twice and post dated it to my earliest entry.)

I would not be able to relate to some of my current friends outside of Christ. I never did stuff with the high school church ministry back home. When I came to college, I merely was looking for a church not a college ministry. It is perhaps the differences in my friends that I meet through the college ministry and church that have helped me grow in appreciating others, despite how different I still feel from them at times. I am looking at how far I've come and it is mostly by God's grace. It remains to be seen how far I am going to go. I have been growing a lot recently in seeing things about relationships and friendships. Aspects and difficulties that I've never considered before and how I relate to them. Furthermore, how they relate to my walk with God.

What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Loner Loner 63% Geek 50% Drama nerd 38% Punk/Rebel 38% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 38% Goth 19% Ghetto gangsta 6% Stoner 6%

Let Darkness be Light

I was contemplating my life and even my death. These verses apply to it all. They are my favorite verses in all of Isaiah ranking up next to the ones about Christ's death. I've been on a spiritual/personal growth rollercoaster recently. I know these verses to apply and are true. I can say amen to them.

“16 I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.”
Isaiah 42:16 NASB

"2 I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
3 “I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
Isaiah 45:2-3 NASB

This is the life we live. So that all our good works are seen as wrought in God. I was deciding if I would much rather be blind and walk a straight road. Or could see and walk a crooked one. We do both at the same time in some sense. I would much rather be blind and walk by faith. It is far easier but far more trusting.

I also thought about the end of that road in my life. I was thinking of my own mortality. I was thinking about death; it appeared to be some hideous monster ready to devour any in its path. Oh, but how Death to the blind was merely an angel shepherding souls and blocking the view of the splendors of what lie beyond.

Second, there is a plundering of the wealth of the secret places. These verses, and ones like them, usually discuss idols in the immediate context. It seems that the very idols, which we break, contain the very things we offer to God in worship. The very desirable things through which we come out of this life with more than we came in. Things by which God is magnified and glorified. This brings us to how Peter looks at trials and this life.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. "
1 Peter 1:6-9 NASB

How there is such a link to God's providence in our trials, not just ones of adversity but ones of prosperity. The world is never as dangerous as when it has put on a silk glove and sweetly beacons. How our faith aught to carry over into how we live our lives as a result of all things. How our faith should continue to rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, regardless and all the more for what we go through in this life.

The totality of creation

I want this post bto e sum up the things about science. The things about God's creation.

Colossians 1:15-23 with commentary

He is the center of science for He is the very center of creation by position, by rule, and by substance in sustaining all.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

The purpose of creation revolves around christ. It revolves then around what is with Him by His father's pleasure. It revolves around what he reconciles, namely his bride, the church.

18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. 19 For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

To further confirm what is being reconciled. Paul specifically is talking about the christians he is writing to. He talks about the way and purpose of salvation. He talks about the effects and the end.

21 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, 22 yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— 23 if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

Evidence of the last post

Yeah, I almost took it down for reasons other than it being accurate. All the more reason it needs to stay up. I'm not perfect. I don't like being that open but its true.

Confession of the Hole in Friendships

I have stumbled across a few psychological sites that have pretty much described patterns in my life. Psychology is confirming my suspicions. I knew of this problem before hand. I don't normally give psychology much weight but it applies in some areas.

According to psychology, I am yearning for emotional intimacy.(Or deeper friendships.) This is from a disconnect between who I think I am, and who others think I am. And being content with a disconnect. I am not very needy but I realize that I could be if I am not careful in recognizing this idol of friends aright. I realize that this desire sets up even more conflicting ones within me. I know I am afraid of the very thing I yearn for, due to insecurities. (Psychology also says that but I know it to be true.) I'm OCD about some of my insecurities, its affecting my friendships. There are many friendships that I know I've kept superficial or even intellectually profound but never deep. Shooting the breeze with someone on what you know is not the same as making a friendship deeper. It only goes so far. It never goes far enough. You can know someone a long time without knowing them. I feel that is how I've been. I'm tired of being a one trick pony now. The barriers that keep me trapped in the circus remain even as I try and break them down.

I am facing intimacy/honesty overload as a result of the break down some of those barriers to in doing accountability with someone. We have merely acknowledge the existence of inward things like sin. We have not adquately dealt with them. I am perhaps feeling like I will have to deal with all this just tomorrow rather than with time. I do not know why but perhaps I am looking at what I want something to be rather than what it is and should be right now.

These problems present an interesting trilemma. The psychological solution is keeping it real, but it is also keeping it deep with honesty, authenticity, and communication. The two psychological solutions seem to contradict themselves. The solution to one is the cause of the other. The bad thing is that the psychological answer is close to the spiritual answer that I stumbled onto earlier. It remains that I should just plow through some of this mess amidst the unreality of my perceptions but never too far ahead. Time and being more trusting are the only solutions. That is my bind! It sucks.

Yeah, it literally sucks.


Psychology has confirmed that my wish to grow in relationships is a perceived need that has set friends up as an idol. Not necessarily in accountability but in seeking out (deeper) friendships and looking for contentment in those. It is evident by hanging out with friends and not being able to be content.(Or being bored while hanging out consistently.) I should do my own thing more often even among friends. In addition, the deepest relationship which aught to bring the most contentment is my relationship with God. I should not have need for anyone but him. Anything else is additional.

Next, accountability has run me in the other direction. It has not contributed to the first idol very much, luckily. It has put me in a place that I am fearful of opening up further (even though I am) cause I feel too invested, too exposed, and too vulnerable. Maybe some of these are innate defense mechanisms from when I was a loner. I'm not just talking about shy. I am talking about shy and shallow. They don't serve me anymore. Yet, it is not natural for me to disregard these. It requires grace. I think this grace has arrived in this season of life for me. Thanks be to God.

Another thing is at work that is closely related. Some of the very burdens/insecurities that I am holding onto are the very things that are eating me alive. Everyone has baggage that they should check at the door. I knew this all along, but I can't stand mine. It has a way of carrying over into sin also. I don't want to say more here for this is linked to the very thing I feel I cannot say. The very thing I cannot let go. My heart needs to be healed first. It slowly is. In this I'm not changing horses mid stream. I don't need psychological counciling. I need God.

God is good and he has ordained for me to run into these problems right now. I have prayed about God growing me here before. I don't quite understand his methods. I think it strange that in dealing with things going forward I must not deal with them. It is a counter-intuitive path of not trying to fixing it.

I see God's hands all over this area. I could go into details but they're convoluted. God is at work. He has taken me on a spiritual growth rollercoster for a month and a half but now I am climbing up to a drop and am a bit scared. Luckily, these issues have arisen as a result of accountability and a best friend rather than an opposite sex/dating relationship. There is a context to work through them without pain or injury to someone else. I'm very greatful for that. I already have starting working through many things that I haven't really talked about till now.

Forest and Trees 2

I was spending some time in Ecclesiastes recently. Perhaps because I know I am getting a bad grade in one of my classes. D or F. Oh well. Can't say I tried hard enough. I can't say that my teacher was very good either. Its some combination of these two. I do better in harder classes but why? I do not know.

I stumbled across this section that applies to my view of science. It is what I had seen by experience like Solomon. It was just that it was more convoluted by what is actually known along the way. We can trace the source unlike him but it does not help. We are left with the same problem.


"When I applied my heart to know wisdom, and to see the business(science?) that is done on earth, how neither day nor night do one's eyes sleep, then I saw all the work of God, that men cannot find out the work (of God?) that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out." Ecclesiastes 9:16-17

The works of God always begin and end with God. All good science is circular like good theology. It flows back to the same source from which it came. It contains vainity that must be subjected to reality like theology. For theology this is the gravity of the cross. For science, this is the gravity of God's providence and infinite knowledge and wisdom in creating.

Finally, What is good is that men remember their creator and do what God commands. Life goes on either way.

Confession of Limerance

Ok, I have to confess. I have seen limerance at work in different areas of my life. I could not think of a good word to describe this. Not necessarily infatuation. Or man crushes per se, but potentially ones. It falls in the same area of seeing things that might not be there. Or these things may be there, sometimes but not to the same degree as I thought they were. There are a few cases of this.

First, I was friends with one of my present roomates because I thought he was like me but had some traits that I wish I had. He is very assertive and extraverted but at the same time he is different than I thought. Still cool but different.

Second, I became friends with someone else over facebook only cause he seemed like he was perhaps something I could have been if I made different choices regarding my abilities. (Or expressed some of my latent abilities.) I have since meet him in person at church. I can't say I was really disappointed... Yet, he was very different from me in many areas. I think he had some limerance with respect to me also. I haven't called him out on it though. We are both pretty much intellectuals/deep thinkers to some degree. Maybe that was what he was looking for in friendship. He's cool but I haven't really spent much time with him.

Finally, I have to confess that one of my best friends has a personality like my little bro. I can hang with my little bro pretty easily at home. Still trying to figure if it is limerance. It seems real though. He's fun to hang with even if we don't do anything. I think he is in some ways one of my friends ordained by God. Cuz somehow we ended up in like every group together in church. This is the closest to a man crush that I have. What is funny is he might be one of the few that reads this blog some time. Ha ha ha. Ooops. Maybe I shouldn't have said this. Awkward turtle it up in our accountability then... woouuoo woouuoo wooot.... (We can address my immaturity later too.) Nah, it isn't that bad. Just use to seeing him like every other day for this whole semester. Now that isn't happening cause finals and school recently. So i thought to include it here.

The problem with limerance is that it is not real. It looks for some return. It looks for some validation or it dies down. It is not inherently bad but it is not real. I just hope my friendships go deeper and stay real without it. I like keeping it real in more ways than one.

I don't think my limerance was a form of narcisism. I can hang with other people fine; it is just easier to make friends with people similar to you. And be drawn to those people. I don't think that highly of myself. Furthermore, my limerance appears to be different that than what I want in real love/friendships. I know for a fact that in Romantic relationships, I look for something very different than myself. The way I look at limerance is that it is a different kind of infatuation that I need to be particularly careful about as to not confuse it with the starts of real friendship or real love.

An Idol's best friend

So yeah, I have been trying to grow in relationships recently. Yet, not in the way God desires. Now my tale begins by going to hang out with some people friday night. I intended to go but couldn't find the place. I was in a kind of shady area walking around for a while. I was a little stressed by it but not badly. I had called one person twice for directions and two other people.

Now once I had found the place. I wasn't feeling it. Not enough people. I was like screw it. (The area was certainly less shady than where I was searching for the house.) I started walking back toward my apartment. I stopped to look in the liquor store, but I really didn't want to get anything. Waste of money. I just looked around and left. So finally after wasting an hour going to and fro with the small party. I ended up just going to a coffee house, alone to relaxed. I was still a little stressed/bored afterward but it was probably the caffiene (My drug of choice.) from the triple sized sumatra coffee. I decided to go to an old roomate's apartment. They played a little Mario Party. I wasn't feeling it here either with the just hanging out and the 'lame' game. I finally just retired to my apartment to learn/play with GIMP 2.4 aka photoshop by myself.

At this point, I kind of regretted not going to hang out at the small party with people from my church. I later got an IM from someone who had gone and was still hanging out. (They had played some poker and were going to watch a movie.) It didn't help a lot. Yet it did, for I had already began recognizing an idol in my life. Friends.

I was bored and my problem was that I was looking for contentment in something other than God. I was looking for it in friends. I was not in the right mind. This idol is new for me this semester. I know it to be a pattern that has developed slowly starting earlier in the summer. I have spent more time hanging out this semester than ever before. Just for fun with only sparce fellowship or god-glorifying purpose. I did not even try to redeem the time.

Now, it seems strange that I am to needing to grow in relationships and I am finding that I have befriended an idol along the way. I have some ideas of what I need to do. I hung out for most of today. It was an improvement. I used the time to remind myself of what God had done in other people's lives. Christ is the basis of friendships that are enduring. Another thing that seemed helpful was making my own time to do my own thing with God, even if I was chillen around friends.

I do not want to be some needy guy. I will seek contentment apart from my friend's company even if I still am spending just as much time with em. I find it was much better that way. Cause thats probably how it should be. Today, I used some 'hang out' time to read and spread out at my friend's house. I kept to myself more than usual, but to each his own. I think some of it was an improvement.

Now, I bring all this friendship stuff up because I am considering to start dating soon. I am not quite ready. I still don't know what I even want to out of some of my other friendships though. How am I to know what I want out of dating if I can't figure out what I want out of my friends. I yearn for time spent on more than just on small things. It may be fun but to what end. I want friendships in general to be different than they are. I need friends that help me towards God more than ones that are just fun. Yet, I have been spending time with friends to make me happy rather than seeking out that which I need in my soul. This time spent need not always be indifference but it should not be time spent thinking friends could solve my troubles or even my boredom or discontentment.

I choose you 2.

For some reason, God indicated for me to read 2 Corinthians 4-8 earlier. I had forgotten what it had said. I don't feel that it was corrective but we have this ministry as we have received mercy. We need to plow straight the word of God.

We should not tamper with the word or practice cunning. I could be more cunning in crafting my free will argument but I should not press it. I have been crafty enough to try to disprove it. We should commend ourselves to everyone's conscience by doing what is right. I don't wish to disprove it anymore lest I ruin a hearer. I should resonate with Paul.

"Even if our gospel is veiled, it is only veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

Let us rather say with Him. "Let the light shine out of darkness," as he has shone (forth) in our hearts to give light to the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus. We are but jars of clay. We tend to be impure and easily broken. We should not care as long as the light is allowed to shine out of the darkness. This will expose truth and error more than anything. Arminianism contains some darkness if it is in error. I believe this darkness is the tendancies that overlap works and grace. Let us show works and grace are separate and men shall see that they cannot contribute. They shall see Calvinism.

Finally, we who know the things of light aught to walk in them. I must look at myself before I even should try to correct another believer. Not because I know and feel that I am right, but because it must be something that gives grace to the hearer. It must be for their good.

I think recognizing that we have no part; it is all grace; is a good thing. I will talk about doctrine that I believe shows this. It can perhaps be seen outside hence it is not essential. The Holy Spirit provides the best framework to see this grace. Yet, I don't feel that it can be seen doctrinally consistent without Calvinism. I am thinking this was in response to the "where's the beef article". It was showing me that its the gospel first and foremost is that makes people better. Theology is meant only for the prevention of illness. It is not a cure. It follows that part 1 should point people to christ. Not away as the good shepherd of our souls.

Confession of Lacking Compassion

I don't have enough compassion. I don't necessarily factor others into my prayers very often. My own relation with God is good. Yet, I need to relate more and more with others. I need to grow further into the body of Christ. Grace has been poured out by such. Yet, not just horizontally but vertically. I know that in some non-biblical sense of this aim: Where there is a will, there is a way. I need more compassion for there to be a way. I need more of a will.

I know what part of the body of Christ that I belong to. I am seeing I am not meant to stand alone, even if my giftings allow for it much more easily. It may have been good for a time but that time is has now past. (I cannot attribute my perspectives to my church or any theological laziness on my part.) I wish that I can see the value of others in my life more, not just close friends but all friends and people. I need to think along these lines: "Why should I let others stand alone? Especially when I see that I shouldn't. Before and after Christ" I have a heart at times. I know it is not weak or faint. It is rather far from constant. It is far from what it aught to feel most times. It needs to be informed of its weakness. This comes across in evangelism or the lack thereof. My compassion only is fostered once an event has already been started. This lack of compassion comes across in my short attention span for small talk and most talk with people. I wrote this confession cause I need to inform myself of the truth as much as I need grace. I shall boast in my weaknesses so that the power of grace shall dwell in me.

I choose You because You choose me.

Let's consider choice. Accepting the gospel is not some capricious action. It is not rash but rational and heartfelt. It is not a heartless choice like choosing a black t-shirt vs. a navy t-shirt. Frosted flakes or Fruit Loops. It is not a irrational choice like spending money vs throwing it out a window. God is glorified in our choice because we engage in it with all of our being. We must choose Him in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. We must choose Him from the very center of our being. Our choice is important. It is not something that we come to lightly. I propose that we cannot.

It is from this position that I wish to discuss our choice in salvation. One would scarely say to a spouse or a loved one. "I choose to love you on some rash choice of mine." Compared this to "I love you from the very center of my being. You are irresistible. I could not do anything but love you when we met." I would go as far to say that the first one is a slap in the face. Why do we say such to God? The second one reflects reality better. God is too great in the gospel to not love.

Now, I am saying that this choice flows from a quality within the person lets them love God. This seems simple, but oh how difficult people make this. Jesus emphatically in John 10:25-26 says "I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father’s name bear witness about me, 26 but you do not believe because you are not part of my flock." The context of John 10 is salvation and its benefit. The sheep are not just believers for God has other sheep not yet of the fold. (verse 16) He will call them and they will come also.

I have suggested that those who are christians have somehow found a way to love God from the center of their person thus choose. They have been able to do this because of something that makes them different from others. Something makes them sheep. Now are they just better people? By no means, Christ died for us when we were still enemies of the cross. Not friends. We went astray following the course of this world before he called us out of darkness. He died for us while we who consisted of only the flesh were enmity against Him. He did not come to save the righteous but the unrighteous.



God must somehow make christians, sheep within salvation. I suggest this something the Holy Spirit does by giving man a new spiritual nature; giving man a heart of flesh and removing their heart of stone;causing them to be born again before faith to faith; regeneration. It is a single act of God. It falls within God's choice to do this so that man chooses rightly from the center of His person. Since it within the choice of God to appoint someone to this end, it falls under the normal meaning of an 'election'. His election. He really only appoints people to salvation and leaves the rest. A choice is still made by us to be saved from our very center. It is just preceded by God's. It is not upon the man who strives or runs but it is upon God to have mercy. He will have mercy on whom he will have mercy. He will have compassion on whom he will have compassion.

Let us look further at why the other possibilities which aren't. One idea is that all men contain some goodness in their hearts, not fallen, to choose christ. Thus our will is not fallen. This seems suspect for our finest efforts are filthy rags. They are always shot through with sin. We have each gone our own way. No one seeks after God. No one does good. They have become worthless. See Romans 3. Doing good is an act of the will. It is fallen. This is in our nature. After salvation, We can see clearly and feel the conviction that choosing salvatinon is to do good, to seek after God, and to follow his way. Furthermore, placing the choice in one's nature has problems in distinguishing this choice from the ability to do good anytime. Such an ability would make faith unnecessary.

Another idea is that God precedes our choice with just enough grace to make it free again. Prevenant grace. This seems more tennable. Since this grace does not change the person, the choice and the grace remain indistinguishable. The problem here is that prevenant grace lacks scriptural support. Now, I feel this is false like retained goodness because I think if everyone could see the choice aright they'd freely choose to be saved.

It sets up a contradition to what it is to be a free choice. I cannot see why one would live in sin. Prevenant grace would have to consider God allowing rejection. I cannot see this either. Christ came to save the worst of sinners. He came to save the ones who practice unbelief and idolatry. Ones who would try to reject him by it. The sin which Christ died cannot keep them away from salvation. Christ must deal with the sin of unbelief in His Death or His death is insufficent for the all types of sin. He deals with all sin on the cross. I cannot see Him not saving those who originally reject if they are meant to obtain salvation.

Confession of Bad Prayer

I have never been great at praying aloud. Sometimes I'm OK. Sometimes my prayers are highly fragmented. My mind fails often when the Spirit is not guiding me. It is hard for you to miss. My mind fails when I don't feel the grace making my prayer more fluid. When I don't feel God subjectively being there even when I know he is, in truth and by faith.

If this happens, my mind gets caught in a thought loop. It searches for what my heart wishes to ask. I don't know why I can't just conjure up some fluff to fill in the gaps. It should be so easy but I just can't. The Lord's prayer as an outline doesn't always help either. I could structure my prayer more but I don't know if it is always necessary.

I don't know if this is good or bad spiritually for me, that I can't pray well at times. I also know I aught to pray sometimes but not always what. Luckily, the Spirit, as an advocate, is praying for me with groanings too deep for words. I know this to be so very true. I have seen answers to prayers that were incoherent and inchoate longings in the back of my mind. They had remained as unformed words and thoughts that I felt and longed for God to answer. They had little tags on them that wished God would them fix. He has occationally answered them to His Glory. I am so very greatful for it. It proves scripture (Romans 8:26) to be so very true. To the point that I am not condemned about the inadequacy of my prayers.

With this said, perhaps God wishes for me to know more scripture verses, so that he can use them in my prayer to link it to his promises. Pray His words back to Him. It sounds absurd but really isn't. Everything that I have read says that this makes for good prayers aloud too. This is sometimes true in my failures in prayer but not always. I know the gist of those scriptures well enough. It should not matter. I don't know what to do with my awkward pauses from time to time. At least not right now. The only words that I can never forget to pray are "Be merciful on me, a sinner. You alone can make me competent."

Where's the beef?

People today are busy selling big fluffy buns for theology. I have to ask "Where's the beef?" This is a throw back to a generation before my time, although this remains a valid question.

Since I am cooking ground beef right now... If you really want to know where the beef is; its busy thawing so I thought I would blog. This beef I would venture to say has spent ages in the freezer. It needs to be brought out. It is needs to be served. It needs to be consumed. This is the same for theology and spiritual red meat that people have set aside in order to eat chicken. Or in order to eat preprepared food. There comes a time that one must cook for themselves. A time in which one must form their own spiritual convictions.

This is not the order of today but should be in some fashion. Red meat is not always bad. Christians need to get a little more zinc for their immune system. They need a little more iron for their strength. Christians are growing anemic without red meat.
Some try to avoid controversy. Some try to avoid the difficult areas of doctrine. Do not shy away from such if they are in the Word. Christians need to reconsider such adversion.

They have forgotten how to tenderize hard doctrine with important nuances. They have forgotten how to season it with grace as with salt. They believe it cooks in the flames of hell. Yet, they forget it is in the skillet on the stove, held in God's hand. We are not talking about damnable doctrine that rightly has fallen into the flames. We are talking about things that good christians disagreed on. I am taking about the doctrines of the reformation.


They aren't essential to be a christian but they may be important for one's health. First, the doctrines can be very bad if eatten raw. The cold interior is exactly that. It will put people off. It may even make them sick. It can be bland if they do not see the cross in them. We do not need dead orthodoxy either. The doctrines can be tough and hard to swallow when too well done. Especially when there is not enough understanding that it is from the actions of God and not some blind godless fate, that doesn't work for our good. Unlike chicken there is a difference in red meat when it comes to being well-seasoned, tenderized, and a range of being done. This does not mean we aught to avoid red meat. It just means we need to be all the more careful with it. Its ok if you don't eat it daily. God and the gospel is so much better. Yet, sometimes there is nothing more satisfying outside of God than biting into a juicy steak or hamburger that he created and ordained.

Science and Art

I have talked about science a few times on my blog recently and I have used it as an example in the past to talk about God. My views of science and math are slowly eroding, especially in my last post. Its cold calculated shell is long gone for me. It is slowly becoming perceived as almost an art and a philosophy within its own little world. It is something that has details slowly being worked out, as if it is a drawing. As if it is an art by which People are tracing the lines of God's creation.

I look at the past only to see that this is how science and math were seen at one time. Not apart but related and inseperable to religion/art. Sir Isaac Newton wrote on religion as much as physics. Leibniz wrote on infinity and the infinite perfection of the world that God created as well as infinitesimals (dx), integrals, and Calculus. I am wondering if this view of science is meant to bring me full circle so that my mind is content to put together the things of God into art, more so than His creation into something. This may mean going another route than my science related career. I plan to pursue this more over winter break. I shall not neglect my other plans either; Graduate school in my science related career. I have doors opening but I really wish to see one open here. I wish to knock some more and see the way open further. I have seen the door open wider for fighting sin. I am seeing God act but I am not content with just that. I need Him also.

The door may not open in this direction for me but I wish it to. Yet, His plans will be for my good. I would like to call out that the way forward is too narrow and uncertain but I know it is wide, defined, and gracious enough towards me by faith. I plan on releasing some of my writings of a christian novel (100 pages are written so far) to a friend asking for His critical judgments of my endeavor. If I should force myself forward, in the full force of conviction. I have the calling to write by God but I do not know to what end.