Confession of the Hole in Friendships

I have stumbled across a few psychological sites that have pretty much described patterns in my life. Psychology is confirming my suspicions. I knew of this problem before hand. I don't normally give psychology much weight but it applies in some areas.

According to psychology, I am yearning for emotional intimacy.(Or deeper friendships.) This is from a disconnect between who I think I am, and who others think I am. And being content with a disconnect. I am not very needy but I realize that I could be if I am not careful in recognizing this idol of friends aright. I realize that this desire sets up even more conflicting ones within me. I know I am afraid of the very thing I yearn for, due to insecurities. (Psychology also says that but I know it to be true.) I'm OCD about some of my insecurities, its affecting my friendships. There are many friendships that I know I've kept superficial or even intellectually profound but never deep. Shooting the breeze with someone on what you know is not the same as making a friendship deeper. It only goes so far. It never goes far enough. You can know someone a long time without knowing them. I feel that is how I've been. I'm tired of being a one trick pony now. The barriers that keep me trapped in the circus remain even as I try and break them down.

I am facing intimacy/honesty overload as a result of the break down some of those barriers to in doing accountability with someone. We have merely acknowledge the existence of inward things like sin. We have not adquately dealt with them. I am perhaps feeling like I will have to deal with all this just tomorrow rather than with time. I do not know why but perhaps I am looking at what I want something to be rather than what it is and should be right now.

These problems present an interesting trilemma. The psychological solution is keeping it real, but it is also keeping it deep with honesty, authenticity, and communication. The two psychological solutions seem to contradict themselves. The solution to one is the cause of the other. The bad thing is that the psychological answer is close to the spiritual answer that I stumbled onto earlier. It remains that I should just plow through some of this mess amidst the unreality of my perceptions but never too far ahead. Time and being more trusting are the only solutions. That is my bind! It sucks.

Yeah, it literally sucks.


Psychology has confirmed that my wish to grow in relationships is a perceived need that has set friends up as an idol. Not necessarily in accountability but in seeking out (deeper) friendships and looking for contentment in those. It is evident by hanging out with friends and not being able to be content.(Or being bored while hanging out consistently.) I should do my own thing more often even among friends. In addition, the deepest relationship which aught to bring the most contentment is my relationship with God. I should not have need for anyone but him. Anything else is additional.

Next, accountability has run me in the other direction. It has not contributed to the first idol very much, luckily. It has put me in a place that I am fearful of opening up further (even though I am) cause I feel too invested, too exposed, and too vulnerable. Maybe some of these are innate defense mechanisms from when I was a loner. I'm not just talking about shy. I am talking about shy and shallow. They don't serve me anymore. Yet, it is not natural for me to disregard these. It requires grace. I think this grace has arrived in this season of life for me. Thanks be to God.

Another thing is at work that is closely related. Some of the very burdens/insecurities that I am holding onto are the very things that are eating me alive. Everyone has baggage that they should check at the door. I knew this all along, but I can't stand mine. It has a way of carrying over into sin also. I don't want to say more here for this is linked to the very thing I feel I cannot say. The very thing I cannot let go. My heart needs to be healed first. It slowly is. In this I'm not changing horses mid stream. I don't need psychological counciling. I need God.

God is good and he has ordained for me to run into these problems right now. I have prayed about God growing me here before. I don't quite understand his methods. I think it strange that in dealing with things going forward I must not deal with them. It is a counter-intuitive path of not trying to fixing it.

I see God's hands all over this area. I could go into details but they're convoluted. God is at work. He has taken me on a spiritual growth rollercoster for a month and a half but now I am climbing up to a drop and am a bit scared. Luckily, these issues have arisen as a result of accountability and a best friend rather than an opposite sex/dating relationship. There is a context to work through them without pain or injury to someone else. I'm very greatful for that. I already have starting working through many things that I haven't really talked about till now.