Confession of Insecurity

I thought that I should write about this. I know that everyone has insecurities. I am just very sensitive about my own. Some of this is vanity. Some of it is history. I was the kid on the playground that was picked on. I was called names. I was called things like 'gay', not that a kid could even be such at that age! Needless to say I was offended and hurt many times. I got into many fights in elementary school perhaps the most in my class. I had anger management problems. I don't now because I grew out of it naturally.

I was still picked on by various people all the way until high school. I had turned into a loner by then. A loner with loner friends who did loner things while sitting at a loner lunch-table. This continued until my last year of high school. This year I had some friends that I could relate to. We didn't really do much together but I felt I could at least relate to them. This was a large step forward. These people were the people that were in top of my class, but they were far from nerdy.

Now lets fast forward to my first semister of freshman year in College. I had found progressively more friends. Some were dorm rats, gamers, and fellow engineer/honors people. Some were loners but not all of them. I would hardly characterize these as deep friendships. Yet, I could hang out with them a lot.

I didn't feel these friendships were suffiecent. I was also a Christian who desired to go to a good church. I could not live outside of attending one. Yet, I was not necessarily fully decided on which church. I had made some 'friends' in a campus ministry that I could relate to in the Lord. After an unfortunate attempt at humor, I had acquired the nickname "Buttercup". The joke was on me. Oh that nickname dredged up old insecurities. It was too feminine/dainty for my tastes. I guess I gave the girls a pass on calling me it. Although, I hated the guys who called me that. I was fuming angry more than once about it. I like the church that I had found but this nickname made me consider just starting over with new friends and new people at the BCM. It hurt.

I am sure I was mean to more than just a few guys who called me that nickname. I can shrug it off now that I have true friendships established. And I am not hearing it over and over like a kid on the playground. 4+ times at single meeting. I am kind of certain that someone said something to stop it. Sorry about being mean though. I can't escape all my insecurities. I still working on some of them.

The Lord is growing me in dealing with this area of my life from what I have gathered. I am going to be my own person regardless. I can make fun of myself but I tend to be insecure when others do. I need to grow in my relationships with others. If I can't be secure in myself, luckily I know I can be secure in the Lord. In our weakness he is strong.