The Pace of Life

I've been a little slow writing as of late. Yet, I am still growing in the Lord. I am busy growing up. I am not the same anymore because of grace. The pace of life for me has been set by God. This is a recap of God's growth in my life.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/character-iii.html
The start of a lot of things. Just confessing my sin to a friend and pursing humility, fellowship, empathy, and care has done wonders as a means of grace. It is because the Lord has blessed it for this self-sufficient, sufficiently sinful loner.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/new-and-excellent-way.html
Very Prophetic. I have to confess some unbelief at the time of writing this post on the amazing things God has done with respect sin and preparing me for marriage. I am almost there. This serves as a monument. I remember editing out some of the more spectacular thoughts I had during this post. They seemed too wonderful. Too good to be true. I had some problems with sin that ran deeper than the sea. Luckily, the sea fits in the hollow of God's hand. Why did I doubt God in such? Perhaps its a greater sin.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/gods-care-for-me-recently.html
This speaks to God's Clarity and care in the beginning a really long process. His continued clarity sits within the post's scriptural promises. (At least for this season.) It was his prophetic care. He declared many things beforehand so that I, an obstinate person, would see His Glory and say it was not my hand that has brought these things to past. I am still in that process a year later. It has proved true as long as there is trust in God, opposed to trust in that which is merely psychological or my own analysis, things are great.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/let-darkness-be-light.html This post was right before 2 people died in my church. The pastor had to conduct his first few funerals. Coincidence or Not? It confirms I am where the Lord has me. I had several other incidences like this for the next few weeks. Everything got preempted by the Holy Spirit. No sermon convicted me because God convicted me the night before for 2 months. I was at a crossroads here to.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/needs-2.html
http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2008/11/spiritual-blindness.html
This is what has been working itself out as far as sin. I had forgotten about writing this when I did. I never realized this was SO very true, at least for me.

http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=22795418&searchType=ALL&page=0
I am still stuck here. I am still learning to care for people. Right now my empathy is still very particular, especially towards my best friend. I pray for that to grow outward just as my other new emotions have.

The difference between judgmentalism and discernment

Without love its only a hair's width.

God moves

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper-

Contending with my own Berean Spirit

I am having issues with my own willingness to submit, or rather support, teachings I don't see as biblical. I am eager to learn but I don't always agree, especially when it comes to the doctrines regarding that authority. I don't think it is spiritual pride because it is never an issue submitting when I am wrong. It only is an issue when I am right and know that I am right.

Spiritual pride exists without reference to right or wrong though. It exists without reference one being in authority vs. not. It has a more organic source. It exists in reference to humility in being right or wrong, even for leaders. I still have not learned to balance or understand this berean aspect. I find I have disagreements and cannot always be on board for teaching or being teachable since I have formed conclusions.

Let us reason together though, it is not sin. I don't want to be critical for the sake of being critical but I do want to test and hold fast to that which is good.

This shows most drastically in my understanding of ecclesialogy and community. It has started to cause a little bit of sin but the sin isn't in disagreeing and making it known. I see problems in areas like the right use of sacrements (mostly resolved), Worship, covenant theology within the sacrements, lack of a care structure among certain ministries, the support of courtship vs. its reality, and the top-down view of submission without grass roots accountability. (I want a presby.) This last one causes pride to become an issue when I am told to submit to church leaders. Or that leaders submit themselves. Or I must submission to anything. It gets colored in the wrong light of the world and the authoritarian nature that the world places on submission.

Only God is the Lord of my conscience. I can only submit as I see that it is towards the Lord, as those leaders follow the Lord. What do I do when I don't see that though. I am not always in a place to see it either. We all, pastors included, are afflicted by differing degrees of spiritual blindness. Yet, the body of Christ isn't a giant tongue and giant ear either. I guess the only thing I owe towards leaders is love, humility, and an eagerness to test my conviction when I disagree on particulars, not submission against my conscience. Those are the only bonds I have to cultivate.

Spiritual blindness

Its a funny thing being blind. I feel I have just got over a long stretch of it. I was blind emotional and spiritually to the truth behind a sin. I sat in that sin for 7 years as a christian before things started to change at the beginning of this year. Looking back I don't think I could have even fought that sin as I aught. I will take none of the 1 Cor 10 crap on it. I could not resist it in my heart. I am not going to be a pharisee and say oh... it's ok. It's still sin. There is no Arminian idea of grace where God supported me such that I had to decide myself if I would sin and could thus resist. That is blatently false. Yet, I am what I am. Even if that means I am responsible but unable to change.

Now for 1 Cor 10. I believe it only talks to unbelief and idolatry. It does not talk to the moment but only to the inevitablity of change as well as the impossiblity of apostacy. God is still in the process of opening eyes even for christians. I see things that were once lying in darkness as it become midday in my heart. My sin was beyond the deceitfulness of most hearts and most sins. It eluded discovery until God highlighted the solution. I've been searching for the question though. What I should have asked about my sin that I didn't. It was 180 degrees from what I expected. God is so kind and so gracious that I am left to repent in ashes.

Personality Probs

I was a little bored. I decided to see what psychology had to say about me lacking some of the necessary emotions. Or not feeling them properly. Especially in feeling loneliness as boredom. Affection as weak sense of harmony and not the fuzzy wuzzies. It was an interesting endeavour. I found out that I would be a sociopath if I was obsessed with winning, chronic lying, and manipulating people. A grade A serial killer perhaps?. Or a serial rapist? There are some anti-social problems I deal with. They are going away but it seems I have a lot of the traits of someone whose is/was schizoid. Some of it is changing now. I don't think I have overt self-sufficiency and sense of superiority stuff within the definition of it.

I wonder how God will finally fix everything. Not if. He already has been. It seems that some of this is related to sin and my deceptive/corrupted heart. I hope I hope to kill it and have it replaced by true empathy for others.

It is finished!

Christ said "It is finished." What did He mean by it? Did He mean His ministry? Did He mean His life? Did He mean His atonement? Did it mean a great deal of things? Or did it mean all of these things. It seems so unclear to what extent things were finished. I think people often overlook the full meaning of this phrase. It is much more absolute.

"It is finished" comes from one Greek word. "tetelestai". It means everything is complete, perfect, accomplished in full. The consequences will endure. It has come to an end. The word also was used the same way we use "paid in full." Christ has paid our debt completely. There is no contractual obligation left to the law. Yet, the word in its most appropriate sense can be found in the context of the section. Tetelestai is used twice. John 19:28. The parallel should seen "After this, when Jesus knew that all things were now completed, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled, he said, ‘I thirst.'"

His last obligation was towards scripture. In asking for a drink. It is thus according to the eternal word of scripture that all is complete. Nothing else is said to be so complete not even Creation itself.

Love at First Sight

If I was blind and somehow God healed my eyes to see...
And I also believe in love at first sight...

How could I not be a Calvinist?

Tribute to John Cage

... ... ...

Saturate by Telecast

Dwelling on the days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I wait just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies, inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won't be satisfied
Until I've laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won't be satisfied
Until You're all that comes through
Until I'm saturated with You

Feelings come and feelings go
Don't care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I'm scared
Days I just fall apart, but You're there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that's so confused
Jesus, I love You
Saturate me with You

Growing up like a tree planted by streams of water

I feel as though I am becoming more sanctified. I don't want to boast. It is not my doing. Oh, how I wish to root out the idols that I attribute it to other than God. I want to root out the one that thinks my best friend has helped in some fashion, rather than God doing it all. I may bring forth fruit but I also feel this branch cannot naturally. I would be a barren tree without God.

God has restored my soul from its drought. He has grafted me into christ. I now sit near pleasant waters. Now Satan has changed his tactic. He wishes to wash away the gains in a deluge. My heart struggles. I wish that my heart rested on God alone but it has not. It has wandered greatly. I am a wretched sinner. It is not lust right now but oh... I wish it were that simple. I am caught up in my own idolatrous passions. I was blindsided by these last two entangling sins. Satan has merely shown more of his hand. God shall overcome my sin and faith shall overcome the world. I shall continue to grow up like a tree planted by streams of water. This is because of God's good pleasure not my efforts.

Self-absorption

Self-absorption is turning inward to deal with or avoid pain. It is a large sin or rather a tendancy that strengthen's sin power.

I have researched self-absorption. It is very complicated. Many people would believe that being self-absorption is only arrogance or vanity. I disagree. Someone can be humble, serving in a soup kitchen, and all the while being self-absorbed. People can be proud and vain in their confession or in their doing good. Self-absorption is an indirect pride that pulls people inward and turns them inside out. It is inherent in all men and all sin.

First, all sin turns people's attention from God toward themselves. God rightly says that sin comes from men's darkened minds in Romans 1. Self-absorption here seperates one from God into one's self. Placing emphasis on self is ultimately idolatry.

Second, self absorption when confronted with suffering in others make it the opposite of empathy. One will only care for themself. It is opposed to love here to. Love does not seek its own.

Third, self-absorption causes resilience to pain. (So is it good?) This seems strange but there was a psychological study that stated people who were self-absorped did better after 9-11 than others. Furthermore, I tend to accept this psychological insight. God's holiness can be painful to me so people run from such pain. They run from God. These kind of people need to be hurt more over there sin, not less. They need their hearts opened to God. People turn inward when condemned but not convicted.

Fourth, the Holy Spirit must sever any self-absorption. He is given the work of convicting the world of sin and of righteousness by the Word. It is the Word which is offensive. It cuts sharply. It will bring Godly pain to bring one to repentance.

Fifth, one must repent of themself in many sins. Repentance is turning from sin and switching sides. It means switching from your selfish side to God's.

Sixth, Self-absorption is closely related to self-sufficiency. It is the inward focus of this outward problem. It is closing one's heart toward God.

Things are going my (God's) way.

I am in one of those periods where God has been abundantly gracious to me. He has given me joy and the desires of my heart for godliness. He is kind and I see that His timing is right. I feel that God has withheld certain things from me. These things are very good but at the same time. I can only say that they are good because of God's actions on my behalf. It is now that I see His wisdom. The very wisdom I rejected because I had not seen such great things. I would not be able to enjoy things normal people take for granted without God. It has left a certain hole in my chest. Straight to my heart. God easily breaks in every morning. The older and more mature I become as a Christian the fewer defenses I have to seeing God's goodness. My heart breaks more often not less. He has continued to expose my heart to Himself and the sorrow and joys of His holiness. I wish not to be one who shrinks back in fear or unbelief.

He makes me cry often but usually in a good way. Yes, I cry because of Him. I can't say that I would cry so much for other things. This is a reminder of grace. It is a reminder of God. It is His goodness given to me, past and present. It is His faithfulness that endures beyond my own failures. I can only expect this undeserved grace to continue. I can only expect Him to be as gracious as He has been. God doesn't change. His ways don't change.

I pray that my will may fall more and more in line with His will day by day. Not my will be done but yours, Oh Lord. But I do pray that it goes well with me. That it is agreeable when it does not need to be otherwise. That it is painful only when it creates godliness in me and dependancy on you.

I have a new job, a new car, new great roomates, and pain is going away. I have the ability to enjoy them to. This is from God. Yet, these all mean nothing. They are but icing on the cake. I value the grace from God the most when it comes to fighting sin. I value His wisdom. I value God himself and I am at a loss of words to thank Him.

Friends and Idols 2

It seems I've turned self-sufficient over the last month. I didn't realize because I felt really humble asking friends for help. I was relying on my friends, more than myself and more than God, to help me figure out some of emotional stuff. I am at a lack to understand my heart now more than ever. It is deceitful above all things. My friends couldn't help me much. I couldn't help myself much. Every single idea of my own seemed to fail. Its time for God's way again.

It is clear that only God can illuminate the darkest parts of my heart. Only he can bring conviction with His Word. Only, He can split apart the soul and spirit, bones and marrow. I am at war with pronouns in describing His work in my life so far. I see I have been constantly stealing glory without realizing it. I am back to trying to get my faith in His promises and in His help back . Yet, God is the one who will give that. I cannot rightly call it my faith. Cause it is not my own. He has done a lot in my sinful life already. He will do a lot more that I don't deserve it. I am at a loss to describe all that he has been doing as far as sin go. Especially in areas like lust, friends, and idols.

Shadow Boxing

It seems these days I am fighting my shadow. I am fighting sin that I think is there but has not made itself known. I know the heart is deceitful above all things. I want to pursue it to the root but it is costly to me. I have lost a godward focus for fighting my sin because it is in remission. Like a deadly cancer it can come back. I need to relearn that the spirit is the one who has to illuminate that dark sin and fight all those tendancies too deep in my soul. I see my sin as a shadow. Its always there with me but I can't seem to reach it on my own. I could try but...

I'll end up looking flipping ridiculuous trying killing my shadow by choking myself. Talking, asking, and looking up to people can't help me figure out my emotional confusion in multiple areas. I'll be isolating myself from those who might be smart enough to tell me the truth if things remain the same. I need to know that the son needs to rise up in my heart till it is high noon. Say Goodbye Shadow. I will not have to try to box then.

Confession of No Expectations

Ok, there is a spring break trip coming up for me. Fortunately, God has been working overtime in my life recently. This has slowed down for my good. Too much drama but its ok for now. The 4 1/2 month rollarcoaster has ended in a good spot. There have been several weeks that have felt better than past spring break trips to the beach with my church. Everything in my life is slowly falling into place. Nothing is left out.

With this said, I really don't have any expectations about what will be going on for this spring break trip. Furthermore, I also don't believe anything can be blown out of the water by it in comparison to past events. So I am left with no expectations. Nothing that God isn't already doing. It is bugging me. I don't know what I should expect. I've been to 3 of these things before. I already know that I will invest in some relationships. I know that I will have times of undistracted devotion. Yet, it won't glorify God in meeting these low expectations alone. That makes me a little sad. It is as though I do not know how to pray about it. God is too great for such.

Friends and Idolatry

What is interesting though is I have the ability to enjoy friends much more. As well as being discontent with em. I am very optimistic about this point in life. Yet, there is two ends that this can be done. Godward or selfishly. I think one way will be to make more sacrifices in myself and magnify God more often for it.

I will be pursuing love brotherly and otherwise. I really need to expand that outward more and more.

Confession of Friends Being Idols

Ok, its pretty much true now. I can feel that it is getting in the way of me worshipping God. Nothing should do that. I am sitting here very discontent. Yeah, practically crying. People shouldn't have that kind of power over me or my moods. I am afraid that I will be discontent living alone. I am afraid that I will feel like I have no friends.

Ok, the deal is that I've let an important housing decision go by. It is out of my hands and all I can do is wait. I am close to being critical of others for being indecisive. I use to be the king at that; that is hypocrisy. Essentially, I feel I have waited far too long on the best decision. Now, the good and safe one is almost gone. I think I will be left with crap its a 50/50 dice role. We'll see how it all turns out.

Confession of absolute supernaturalism.

Ok, I believe everything is completely supernatural. I believe that God's hand supports the universe completely by the power of His word. I believe nothing is outside His grasp. I believe that salvation is entirely supernatural as well. That is to say our salvation has no causes but God.

One might object saying that our will is a cause to. I ask whether our will is a natural function of creation or not? It arises from our minds, so I see it as entirely natural. It remains under the curse of original sin. It has been corrupted by the fall. How can something that we are supposed to be saved from keep us from being saved. We need to be saved from outside ourselves.

Baseing our wills on some power in a past supernatural act like creation does not remove supernaturalism or prove naturalism. The only way our minds could be something other than natural is if God gave them power to be independant of just creation. Free will? Perhaps but God would have to give us our own cause and own power. We would have to be supernatural beings ourselves not dependant on him for our being, or the thoughts of self that also compose our consciousness as a being. It smacks with too much pride. God is not sitting on his hands. He is not silent on this issue. It would be different if God exhalted our ability to be free and out of that freedom choose what is right in the Gospel. He rather exhalts Himself, what he has done, and rejoices over us despite our chains. It is clear that I believe it is all of God. I believe entirely in supernaturalism. A supernaturalism also known as Calvinism.

Spiritual rollarcoaster

Ok I have been on a spiritual rollarcoaster since around October 1. Give or take a week.

In September, I was convicted in not fearing God enough. Yet, I feel that and the follow up was me getting aboard a train that wasn't stopping. I saw that it did not matter how many church events I went to. Grace did not come by that way. It rather came from God. Despite sin unloading on me, I focused my efforts on communion with him.

October 1-12 (before anthem) I was not letting my communion with God get rocked by anything. I almost had a panic attack prior to a test. It was kind of bad walking up at 5:30 feeling like crap in the morning. I sent the anxiety away with ruthless efficiency after about an hour. It would not keep me from God. There was no reason for me to fell that bad in light of what God has done. I was on a high when I went into Anthem.

Anthem- I didn't really benefit in anyway way that I can discern. Seriously! I just let sin pile up. So much so that I couldn't deny it. I was bewildered by my own immaturity. I wasn't trying to hide it. I really don't know what it was on that day. I REALLY DON'T KNOW!!! God's restraining grace had ceased for a time. I think Nathan was a bad influence on me. Rather God intended for inward sins to come out and for me be open about it towards my friends. It may have helped spark the conversation I was too chicken to start later. It also showed me the need for accountability again.

October 12-30
My faith felt like John Paul Jones in saying "I have not yet begun to fight", while looking around only to see that my ship is sinking and on fire. Only to know: silly christian, you aught to be able to walk on water. There was also grace for further openess/transparency in this time. Some was from meeting someone new who I thought was like me but much more open. (Turned out not to be all that true.) Another part was that I felt like I needed to get things off my shoulders.

November 1-20
My blog turned prophetic when it was discussing my character posts. (I think but I'll check for certain that it wasn't self-fulfilling.) The spiritual growth picks up as I start talking on AIM with a good friend about grad school and my anxiety revolving around my career and indecisiveness. It was an answer to prayer regarding direction in my life also. This is the way walk in it. The details of the conversation are fading now but it was a reminder of God's plan in my life for my good. It was also a reminder of my station and responsibilities at this point in life. It also provided a means of grace through doing accountability with this person. I entered a season that I'm still in. Grace from God is from my interactions with others. Not specifically the conversations but the interactions themselves. This still has continued to this day. There was a week or two better than a VQ in here also.

November 20-December 10
Accountability started give some depth to a friendship of mine and I slowly started to fear it. I don't know why but I did. I had an issue with wanting deeper friendships but not wanting to invest anymore. I felt too vulnerable and too exposed. I had a 'Oh crap there is a brick wall ahead.' I didn't know what that wall was till a bit later.

December 10-December 30.
Well I still had that feeling of a brick wall ahead but I felt that I knew what it was. It was not long before feeling that I had to confess some things that I never wished to. I was throwing darts around it. I was depressed and getting more depressed. Still growing but wasn't satisfied with the status quo. It was at this point the Lord started to push me in letting God. I prepared to talk about a certain sin in accountability. I didn't want in that much detail but I felt I had to. I burned the first notes. I was physically stressed by it. I felt that I didn't have to talk about it. The stress went away but when that happened. I took another stab at it with all my anxieties and insecurities. Then prepared a third set of notes. I began to feel like a different person. Maybe it was more confidence.

January 5
D-day/Week. Yeah. It was complete emotional destruction in confessing. Not just a little it was complete. Basket case bad. I entered a beyond super vulnerable stage. Luckily, I had a friend that remained such. I only did it cause my arm was being twisted by the holy spirit. I was confronted with take up your cross, rich man parable, suffering for doing good, hating the world, and giving up all things for Christ to make the confession. I was not emotionally ready for the best outcome, which happened.

January 6,7,8
Emotional confusion followed by mistrusting my friend. I let that mistrust go because I realized that it was God's will. He was the one cracking my shell once and for all. God's care was felt continually from this day at least until February.

January 15
Things started to return to normal in fact better than normal. It has remained like that since. I was more joyous but I was still emotionally unstable. I felt inadequate overall and hurting. I felt God's care so much more in it though. It was better and worse than a VQ. I still think it was probably better despite suffering. Suffering that helped me understand the cross better.

January 19
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I made a second confession of that sin with relative ease. Anxiety was fought before and but it still hurt emotionally. Other strange emotions began showing up around here too. Like feeling affectionate. Never really was like that, and honestly didn't know why people were until then. Had dependancy issues in seeking my happiness in friends. (The other extreme of shutting them out.) I didn't like it so I took a break from hanging out with my best friend for no/selfish reasons.

February 3
Third confession. 2for1 deal on vanity. God's care and strength were still very clear in it all. The Holy Spirit had been pre-empting every VFC or Church message since early January. (like 8 in a row! Strange!) There was no condemnation where there aught to have been. I was boasting in my weaknesses as well as resting in quietness and confidence for strength. The next confession hurt emotionally again. Curled up in fetal position afterward. This was the last confession that would carry any weight. I saw growth in it for it was necessary pain. The fourth one was a joke. hahaha.

February 24
Wanted off the spiritual rollercoaster. Things slowly have returned to normal after additional drama. I'm having to deal with a friends drama. We switched roles now lol. He has the drama. I have a bunch of school work that I've been distracted from. Had to deal with normal social expectations that most people deal with in High school. Never had a best friend before. I think I am off this coaster. Its been good. I really want to focus somewhere else now. Not on myself. (Maybe that the real continuation of it. Too early to tell.) I know that to pick it up again where I left it though. I would need to start doing the evangelism go-team stuff.

Suffering of a friend

I think I have a friend who is about to go through some suffering. I don't think it is just related to the fact he can't go to VQ cause of dentist issues. It is something greater. (Just a prophetic thought.) I don't think he reads my blog enough. Maybe he does. Hahaha. I can think of possiblities but I don't think that they do this justice. I think pre-concieved notions are bad for this kind of thing. I'll help in any way I can.

Confession of Oversensivity 2

It seems that the last confession was a bit premature. That emotion has slowly subsided into a heightened sense of belonging among friends. The feeling was triggered by acceptance. I guess there was too much self-hatred. Too much insecurity. I don't think it was feeling inadequate for I didn't value enough people in that way. There were too many walls up that I didn't know existed. I think that it is some repressed part that has come out while opening up. I think I still am oversensitive to that but the issue is different now. It was from being a loner in Middle School and High school and at least part of college. I was emotionally superficial and intellectually profound running in circles and didn't know it.

I feel like I am being shown 1 Corinthians 12:30-13:2 as far as things go though. It is related to opening up. Love does far exceed the gifts as a constant force (and as an emotion to a lesser degree) but I still find myself lacking it at times. At first it was because I was always too serious. I was too self-absorbed caring about myself and my sin. I feared opening up to anyone. I feared being hurt as I had been before. Things are slowly unraveling in a good way.

C. S. Lewis biography

I had to write this for a short video but I thought I'd put it up here prior to some edits.

Clive Staples Lewis was born in Belfast, Ireland, on November 29, 1898. He was schooled by private tutors until his mother died of cancer in 1908. Shortly after, he then attended Wynyard school in Watford. It was a traumatizing experience. The school was shut down and the headmaster admitted shortly after into an insane asylum. He continued his studies and at the age of 15 entered Malvern College. Malvern college was filled with people’s who soul purpose was to improve their social status run amuck with homosexuality, It is there that he renounced his Christian faith and became an atheist. He was very angry at God for seemingly not existing. His darkened mind shifted towards mythology, the occult and Celtic mysticism.

He then pursued his studies away from Malvern College with a family friend.
His life was put on hold as WWI rocked the world. C.S Lewis answered the call. He enlisted in the Brittish Army as an officer. He arrived at French trenches, the front line, on his 19th birthday. He served for a five months until he was wounded during the battle of Arras. He suffered serious depression as he recovered from the wound. He was reassigned and discharged a year later. He resumed his studies at Oxford earning many awards. He felt out of place in it all for he was far from home.

He fulfilled a promise to look after a dead comrade’s mother, Jane Moore. They became very close friends. She, in a sense, became his adopted mother as he continued at Oxford. His studies had led C. S. Lewis became permanent author and an academic. He ran into J. R. R. Tolkien and they became friends. His studies of literature soon took him towards Christianity. Christian literature confronted him with something he had never seen before. It was holiness. He began to be drawn towards Christianity in 1929 by believing that there was a God. It would be two years later before he became a Christian, kicking and screaming. He started to see that Christianity was not about chores or duties. It was about heart and holiness. His main argument against Christianity had always been “Had God designed the world, it would not be a world so frail and faulty as we see.” He failed to realize that Christ was the solution to it all. Christ took on this very same frailty, by bearing our sins upon the cross, so that the world may live. His life was not necessarily easier afterward for he suffered through marrying his wife, Joy Davidman Gresham, who was dieing of cancer. His health gradually declined as Lewis continued to write at Oxford. Yet, C.S Lewis was surprised by Joy in it all. He finally died of renal failure on the same day as JFK’s assassination. November 22, 1963.

Bumbling a confession

Just think about how embarrased you would be saying something and the other person hears: the end, the middle, and then the beginning of a confession. I didn't realize till afterward thats what probably happened. It was probably what should have happened.

Now I am very luckily. My vanity was soon changed to humility. I bumbled my confession up because it got cut up by an answering machine.

You know that you can confess a sin out of vanity rather than humility. Such an action with a wrong motive is sin. I was almost guilty of that but God has a way of using our screw ups.

Fighting Anxiety

Fighting anxiety is not any fun. I'm busy doing it. I am just reminding my self of the gospel for the umteenth time. Well now the umteenth plus one times. The very broken frame that is hurting, man, is that which our God incarnated to dwell in. He was like us in every way, every pain and every temptation. He had to bear so much more sin than I. He had to bear it all. He had to bear all that wraith. I don't know how one man could. The very broken man that I am is the very same type of man that got utterly destroyed in Christ. I cannot rightly feel that pain. The pain due to my own sin. This world is not right or fair. I sit here feeling sorry for myself for something I've stumbled into and something I need to do. But I shouldn't. Luckily, Christ can bear my burdens. I can cast on him my cares.

I am busy just chilling, listening to music. I am busy praying that it would all go away. I have been reminded of Phillipians 4 that I should be rejoicing. That I should make my prayers known with thanksgiving. God's peace should surpass all my comprehension. I have felt that peace before. I want to get back to that place of mercy and grace.

Euphoric Hypomania

Ok, I think that is somewhat related to my oversensitivity. Lust has moved into my emotions to. This emotional state of Euphoric Hypomania isn't a constant thing. They are emotions and feelings to be repent of.

I just had a case of something that I thought was good but turned out not to be. It's nice to feel great but not when its your focus and your trying to go to sleep. This positive state is turned slowly into being negative/mixed state of being irritated and not being able to do anything about it. The cause was focusing on the euphoric feeling triggered from other people. This focus on the feeling was itself a trigger that also produced the feeling. Is that good? No, it ended up being to captiaving . My mind raced to relive it rather than to quiet itself. Emotional intraspection caused the problem here. It hasn't been an issue elsewhere. It gave me a low grade mania for me last night. I don't understand it all. I've been emotionally confused as of late. Sorry...

Mania, the opposite of depression. Sound good? No, it is also the opposite of tranquility and calmness. I don't consider myself bipolar but I've never had that kind of emotional state before. I just really wanted to sleep.

Confession of Oversensitivity

Ok, it should be clear by now that I am probably oversensitive emotionally. Not to criticism though only in a few emotions. They have been dulled before in the past but it seems i've let them go free.

They have been put off and neglected, as much as I could, for I was an insecure person. I was the kid who would get angry on a whim. I was the kid who would cry for an hour without knowing, or forgetting why. These things have gone away with age. Yet, there is still one or two things I'm overly sensitive about. First, it is vainity and my reputation. I'm trying to kill that.

The second thing is to love and to friendship. It is a recent change. This is kind of strange cause I was a loner. Yet now, I have a best friend who can send me into a state of estatic joy pretty quickly. I just kind of shut down in bliss. I'm kind of embarassed about it. Maybe its some kind of mania. I have stayed up because of it tonight. It has also begun happening toward God recently. It is an interesting new emotion. Maybe its temporary. It isn't all bad though. I never valued friends before. I now understand that I don't have the social skills to make use of this powerful emotion on a wider scale. Maybe its suppose to make me develope them.

Bearing Each Others Burdens

I've watched Band of Brothers today. It was a large downer at points. It did not glorify war or the army. It showed me how everyone gets wounded by sin, pain, and death. These wounds are not just physical. They are also emotional. These wounds are from the staples of living in a fallen world. We are shielded from it cause we are far too comfortable in our homes. We are too caught up in civilian pursuits. Yet, life is war. We are at war with the Devil and the sons of disobedience. No one will come away from the battles unscathed. No one is left unhurt by the world.

I understand what being emotionally wounded means by things of this world. I've been emotionally wounded by sin, over and over. I was wounded by being teased and made insecure in grade school. It turned me inward and into a stoic. I am now finding that a few of my emotions had died. These emotions are returning. In fact, some of these emotions for me are new. They help me color the world instead of seeing just black and white. I understand it all so much better. I've let my wound fester for too long out of pride. I'm not going to follow some self-help crap about it though. Whatever care I receive is going to be God's care and the care of my brothers in Christ. Let us learn to bear each other's burdens. Let us learn to pick each other up and carry men back across the line to Christ who is the great physician of us all. He is the only one who can heal. Luckily, I have true friends who would not shoot the wounded like some are accustom to doing for people who are in my position. For that, I am eternally greatful. Those who would shoot the wounded walk as enemies of the cross.

Following God's Cure and Following Conviction

I'm busy following God's cure. It is following conviction. I will be lead through difficult circumstances but I know that God is right beside me. He is gentle and he is kind. Right now I feel like he is allowing me to put off something I need to do because he knows I'm not in the right mind or the right heart to do it yet. It is kind of him. I know it isn't an indefinate thing but it is the right thing for now. I'll grow strong in the mean time.

There are still a bunch of steps that I need to take before I reach the end of the road I'm following. I thought this step was one I wanted to take tonight but it isn't. At least I know what these steps are. I did not really see it clearly. Or rather feel the direction for things to go. This is all being done on faith. It will end the day that it isn't.

Hating all Patriots

I'm glad that the Giants won the Superbowl. Some might ask why? I hate the patriots... A better question is what have the Patriots done to me? Nothing. Its just the perception of things shady going in their direction. It is things like underhanded filming. It is bad calls by refs and wins by special teams. Nothing else makes them win games. They are an average team. (Last season more so than this season). It is perhaps their arrogance the greatest reason I hate them.

Now, this hatred has been ingrained into me by my friends. I don't know why I hate the patriots so. They are so inconsequential to everything that is important. A friend told me that crabs in a bucket don't need a lid cause they are always clawing down the ones at the top. Yet, outside observers like the underdogs just because they wish the man on top to fall. It is perhaps people's willingness to shoot the wounded if there is but an ounce of pride in their heart. Oh, how I hate pride but I feel more and more that I need to kill it in myself first. I need to glorify God more and shift all honor to Him.

Confession of Dumping

I appologize if I've bored any readers. My articles have become an emotional dumping ground. I've kind of emotionally dumped on my blog recently. I'm sorry. I hope that it should change soon. Its been part of God's work in my life though. I am a much better and adjusted person because of it. I don't plan on following this trend forever.

Pre-emptive Providence

It seems that God, the Holy Spirit has been busy pre-empting whatever I am about to learn at church or in the college ministry I attend in my convictions. I don't know why but its happened several times now. I don't know if it is because He does not want me to be condemned by it or what the deal is. I'm not complaining. It has been strange. It has happened several times now. Maybe He is busy giving my sin a one two punch. I don't know. I get stuff out of the messages but I've already dealt with half of the problem it seems. I really don't know why. Perhaps you know.

Humility of God in Creation.

People are willing to structure their belief that God created because he primarily wanted to glorify himself. This is true but what is lacking is the idea that He also rules creation with humility. It is from this humility that he bestows honor on others rather than Himself. It is so tied to his gracious nature that people fail to realise that God is humble also. Notice it is Christ who is washing feet our feet. This present world will not understand that humility. Or why the humble will be the first in heaven.

Christ has condescended to our level. This is shown most clearly in the incarnation and cruxificition of Christ not merely in washing feet. Why should it be thought of as strange if this aspect of humility and deferance is a virtue in God character's. It is in a Christians. Humility moves God to rule creation as He does, just as much as the of love of His own attribute. Seeking Glory seems to make it impossible for God to be humble. It makes it all the more possible. God is self-suffiecent. Yes, its true but seeking any need of glory in us is relieved by the fact that He continually defers His honor until others are raptured up into it completely. It never completely returns to Him either. The fact that He is able to infinitely redeem creatures means that He has infinitely exhaulted us to infinitely try pay Him back in eternity. What an unlucky lot this is. We shall forever be sweetly indebted to God. It is out of God's excess of His own glory rather than His need. He gains glory from of condescending to our level. Yet, this is merely a side effect of His humility. God is too big to escape the additional honor and glory he gathers in doing so. Let us look at that humility.

First, there is humility in the trinity. Each person is subjected to each other. They are entirely humble within themselves in their deferance of Honor and Glory to each other. Christ is an easy example of humility. Yet, the Father also displays humility by giving all powers of judgment to Christ. The Father's did not seek His own glory in carrying out salvation either or ending creation. The Son did not seek His own glory in keeping believers or applying His salvation. Christ went to the Father to send the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit follows the sovereign plan of the Father and doles out the grace bought by the Son. Yet, the Holy Spirit, far from being the least among the trinity, extends this glory and honor to believers by being their pledge, preserver, and aid in times of trouble. The glory and honor of God is only magnified in these acts. It is intrinisic to God himself. Yet, it is also outside of Him by the fact that He bestows whatever gained He on others in Christ.

The Trinity as a whole ends up glorifying believers for God loved them before the foundation of the world. We are drawn into that eternal love of God and exhaulted by it. It is the lack of self interest mixed with absolute interest on God's side. Yet, God's glory is not so small that it cannot be shared in part or rather reflected by others. This was the end of creation. God rightly places the extrensic part, if there be any, of His glory in others so He can love it. It is His nature to be gracious. God runs into the problem of gaining more glory and honor in the process for which He defers and delights in defering. It all but establishes himself with more. He is a fountain and the source of Glory. From which, He has blessed us with every good word and spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Eternity will prompt us to try and return the favor. Oh, how humility of our perfect beings will demand that we do so. It will be a sad day for the proud.

Selfish Love and Care

I think there needs to be a clarification on Christian hedonism, love, and dependency on God.

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7


It clearly says that love does not seek its own. Sometimes it is impossible to divorce self-interest from love. Many try but it does not readily happen. John Piper's Desiring God clearly explains that not separating the two is ok with respect to God. He talks abstractly about means and ends but does not go far enough and say that selfish love and selfish doing good with respect to others is rarely ok.. The emotional (usually hormonal) dependancy that gives rise to a seeking of happiness outside of God which can come and go. The object of that love is usually not constant. This is not always love either but some kind of dependency in which we need someone else to be happy. Idolatry perhaps? This external source of happiness should be God for He will never disappoint. We must not confuse this problem with real christian devotion in caring for others either. It causes real problems when it is not centered on God.

Lets first discuss all kinds of selfish love. (It is not really love but dependancy to meet one's own needs in someone else.) It causes problems with a lot of relationships. People become controlling or people become needy. People somehow involve in the other's life. People somehow care or receive care for inappropriately. People care for addicts by feeding their adictions. People care for sinners by feeding them everything but what they really need to hear. These people place their happiness on things external. This hides easily within the christian message but it is sinful.

People can care for others to care for others rather than serving God through others. Some value the care of others when they really should value God's care through others. Our minds our darkened by nature to this truth. There is some illusionary aspect that can even outstrip reality of what is really needed. People still continue to do these things for their own needs to be satisfied though. They are ends in and of themselves. They are not the means that God intended to be glorified by. Such actions cannot be fit for worshipping God.

John Piper shows that self-interest can be God-centered and God-glorifying. This desire can draw one into the depths of God. (One desires to become closer with God and thus draws him nearer.) There is value in caring about the concerns of God. Namely his glory but this is not love. It is close but entirely independant. Luckily, it is not mutually exclusive to; real love can develop in the depths of this attraction.

Matyrdom is listed as something that can be a selfish act done without love in Corinthians 13. It seems strange for it looks like it might be its ultimate expression of love. Christ was essentially matyred. There is no greater love than him who lays down his life for a friend right? Yes and no. The difference is Christ did it entirely for others in purpose as well as effect. He did not consider himself in the act. He did not fill His own needs. Let us always examine that if we wish to see what our care aught to look like. Our love and self-interest can only be in God and his plan. If happiness in one's life comes from something external like a relationship, let that relationship be with God. God will never disappoint, so it does not matter.

Yet, it is not true love. Love does not seek its own. It develops with time after all our needs are met. Let those needs be met in God so you can serve others. This is the effect of the gospel. Our greatest need has been met. Love becomes forged not in caring for others burdens or being cared for greatly but by gladly sharing in the overflow and comfort we have from God. Our service eventually become nothing but an overflow of grace and care towards others. It is not that we loved God first but rather he loved us. We are drawn to that because we are needy creatures. It is from that real love and a real relationship is established that meets the needs of others without return.

Pathetic

I’ve recently confessed the starts of sin sin to a friend. I thought that this sin made me rather pathetic. In a strange twist of irony, he has problems with a similar sin. Not the same but similar. I’ve got to thinking that we are all a bunch of pathetic sinners. There’s no cure. There’s no hope. We’re just pathetic. We can’t get around that. We can’t dictate our own moods. We find too much satisfaction in things where we aught not to. We can’t relate right to each other. We fall over our own needs when we look to find happiness outside ourselves. We can’t relate to God rightly either because of it. We are fallen. We are selfish. We are pathetic and we need help. We need God. How pathetic is that. Very.

Unreality and Reality

I feel like I've had to deal with the unreality of reality and the reality of unreality. It may be hard to understand how I'm feeling.
-The problem is the cross seems so unreal but it is the ultimate reality.
-Our sin seems so real but has no substance outside of the good it corrupts.
-Our lives with indwelling sin seem so unreal and real.

The way I feel is unreal like something is in motion. There is something not quite at equilibrium anymore and I can't believe it. For better or for worse, it feels like condemnation. Oh, how it would clear up this unreality issue if it was. I hope it isn't more of the same. Its a pain that doesn't go away fully with the cross. Joy exists beside it. I'd like to think it is the starts of repentance. Or Godly sorrow. I've never felt it like this exactly before. Time will tell what this emotion and pain is.

There is one thing that I feel like I'm failing at in it all. I'm closer and further from God. I need to take the opportunity to take it deeper with Him. I'm not taking the opportunity to glorify God more for His actions. And even more for His being.

Confession of Confessing

Why is it that it is so much easier to confess sin a second time than it is to confess it the first time? I don't get it. I actually felt relieved and comfortable the second time. I went away feeling encouraged. The first time I went away mistrustful and an emotional train wreck for 2 days. This is after hitting the gas to fly into the wall the week before. I went away emotionally destroyed then. Crying, stressed, mistrustful, and relieved all at once. I was never quite right for two weeks. Still not but I don't know if i'll ever be. There is still too much unreality in it all, that I actually talked. Twice now. It was a double dose of humility. I don't know how to feel about it all now. My heart is fickle. I don't feel like making it a habit to confess this one sin over and over. It was good to do it twice.

Roots

Ok, perhaps I will be disappointing some people by sticking around. I've made the conscious decision to go to graduate school at Tennessee if at all possible. Otherwise, I will get a job in Knoxville. I desire to stay. I really need to. There is stuff behind the scenes that people wouldn't understand. Some might say that I'm just putting my career on hold or that I am wasting my potential. I'm going to disappoint people with my decision. I am not going to try to please them. I'm only going to explain myself to a select few.

Everyone else is just going to have to get over it. I'm still young. I want to be about to make any choice I want. Even if it turns out wrong. I want to seek my welfare here. I want to grow in Godliness here. I don't necessarily care if its easy. I think I could be happy even working at McDonald's for a time, here. Its not about money. It never was for me. I don't think I can ever be just a career person. I know that God can be glorified in a secular career. (That is not in doubt.) I just don't know if he wishes me to pursue this career further in another place. It's a good career and I am willing to pursue my opportunities. I have two main reason graduate school would be good for me. Maturing/growing up and closer relationships. Not the best reasons but it now appears that I'll probably be mature enough for a job. I also have closer relationships and I'd hate to go now. The very things that draw me to grad school are the very things now that are making it less appealing. I'm not indecisive. My desires have just changed. It is in God's hands now. I have to seek God some more tomorrow on it.

I've consciously not turned in any other application outside of UT. I didn't like west virginia when I went there to snowboard. I know that I've close the door to opportunities that I haven't looked at. They would have little appeal anyway for I don't feel I would be happy. I'll reject them all cause I know something else others don't know in my life. Grace is from others in this season of life. I've found it here too. I'm coming out of my shell and I haven't really seen the depth of all my relationships pan out yet. After 3 1/2 years of college, maybe I'm finally getting it all in this last month or so. Finally, I becoming a bit more social and I see opening up as a necessity not just a small option.

I can't very well just give up on that. I must make my decision base on what is in me now. It says stay and cultivate friendships. I will find my strength in quietness and trust in God. Trust that God has a plan. I wish to remain here, a little while longer. I don't plan for it to be indefinite.

Friend to the End

I’ve just had someone prove themselves to be more than just any old friend in my life. I am very thankful for it. I have since looked around to see that there are many other people who could have been that friend if I had let them. I think I am past my super vulnerable stage in which I could have been hurt so easily opening up. I was prepared for total lose for the sake of the gospel here. I had to live that fear out by taking action. It was very real in ways you would never understand. It was very hard and I almost feel duped into it by God. There was no perceived benefit to self. There was a lot of risk to my friendships. I see that there was also risk to myself that I hadn't considered. I would have just withdrawn more deeply into my shell if I had been wounded in the whole ordeal. I still got hurt in it all but it was my entire fault for my lack of trust. I do not trust people outside of God enough. (Even with God’s prompting to do so.) Confessing sin is hard.

He was also a good friend to me because he reminded me of the gospel amidst my emotional train-wreck this morning. His stability and attitude have helped me towards God. It has helped a lot in putting things to rest. God has intended grace to be from others in this season of life. I have known this for over a month now. I had to face a darkness too great for my stoic character to handle alone. What I was facing was an insurmountable wall. You know that 'hitting both the brakes and accelerating' feeling. I kind of knew that I was headed toward a wall but I didn't want to say it. In hindsight, wisdom outside of God would have advocated more caution. I was not emotionally ready for even the best possible fallout that happened. I was barely able to deal with my emotional crap as it was with grace.

I need time to adjust to the other side of the wall. Some things got broken in the crash. I won't lie. I needed a friend to the end. Luckily, I think I have one through which I have confidence to face hell's flames. In addition, I’ve know I've been more than just a little needy recently. This friend has had to put up with it but he's only seen the surface. He'll probably be the reason that I open up after all these years though. I still need to shift my thanks for the whole situation back to God. My social defeat of humility and shame is quickly turning into a victory, worthy of praise and honor. Not on my part though for I see God's fingerprints all over it. His strength is perfected in my weakness. My strength will be perfected in quietness and trust.

I know what my next step is though. It would be good for me to expand my circle of friends, using the same trust and love that I have in Christ. What I began in the spirit, I hope not to finish in the flesh. I may not always have such a great friend outside of God to rely on in tough times. Nor should I expect for him to deal with all my emotional crap. I usually don't deal with this emotional crap myself. You are finding me in a paradoxical and counter-intuitive season in my life.

Hope in circumstances

I see some hope in my circumstances. Maybe that is because I'm growing up (after some arrested developement) and getting past my problems. I still have to connect this new self to God's providence in my mind because he has been really active recently. It is a hope that needs to be further rooted into the Gospel and Christ. He is the steadfast anchor of my soul. I cannot deny that. It is not that I loved God but that he loved me first.

My Insecurities are vanishing quickly and I don't know why. Well... it is because of God and I'm in the way. My anxiety has decreased about different things within the last year. My anxieties still need to decrease further when it comes to shyness and evangelism. I am a little more proactive but it needs more growth.

I need to be the very friend that I didn't have for the longest time to people. That's by telling them the gospel and giving them God. I need to be the very person that understands sin and depravity, just to send people off the way that has hurt me so much. I need to be the very person that understand's the fear of God, he is feared because he forgives. I need to persuade others of that fear.

God has more than stepped up to deal with me as my father and as my friend. He afflicted me with a lack of grace for a time but it was for my good. He has now poured it out. It isn't easier now but I have grace to help with the difficulties. It is much better to be blind and walk straight than to stumble along a difficult path with sight. It is much better to walk by faith.

Quiet Trust and Confidence.

I have been growing like crazy emotionally and in understanding social relationships but I have a weak link in my chain.

[15 For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,"In returning(repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." But you were unwilling,] Isaiah 30:15

This whole chapter became more alive to me recently. Not just the part about God guiding me. I feel like I am moving into another promise as far as finding my strength. The last one was boasting in my weaknesses. I will do it more if it be necessary. I have scratched below the surface layer and it unsettled me emotionally for two days after I boasted in such. I was probably unsettled for almost a week prior preparing to do that. I lost sleep needlessly for two weeks of my life. I am not happy about that. It was not due to that sin I confessed but to another duo. Vanity and mistrust.

It exposed something else at work in my heart. Or something that is lacking. I've started working on it. It seems strange. I have recently found that I only fully trust God, after grace. I don't always trust myself. I don't fully trust friends even with multiple testimonies by God to do so. It has changed now in one instance with a close friend. God showed me that it was unbelief to not trust a friend if I believed it was His will to do so.

I don't know how to go forward as clearly on this one but God will begin to show me more soon. I need to be content to rest in my hospital room till I get better. I need God to change me. I hope to be willing but it is difficult. Another dose of humility might be in order to for me. Just to push me back into quietness.

Coming out as an oyster

I’m coming out of my shell slowly and surely. (Actually it feels kind of fast.) The best analogy of how I feel in this emo phase is like an oyster. You may not see it but I am. I am like the oyster whose shell is opening. I’m learning to breathe again. I see the knife coming toward me and I’m afraid of it. A knife that will cut my abductor muscle. My very strength to keep what is inside unseen from anyone but God. This knife is ready to spill my guts out onto the floor.

In case you don’t know how to shuck an oyster. Here are the gruesome steps.




1. Hold onto the oyster firmly.
2. Slip the knife blade between the top and bottom shell right by the hinge. It is necessary to exert some pressure to open the oyster shell
3. Run the knife around the oyster until you get to the other side.
4. Using a twisting motion, pry the top and bottom shells apart.
5. Cut the oyster free from his shell. There is a muscle attached at the middle to both the top and bottom shells. When you cut the muscle, the shells will easily spread.
6. Then finish prying them apart and cut the oyster completely off the shells. In order to not cut up the meat, slide the knife inward, slide close against the surface of the bottom shell.

Something is going to happen shortly. What I do not see is that this is the work of the great physician, God himself, sovereign in my life. He is here to help not hurt me. Soon my only hiding place will be in Christ. I am slowly selling out. I will be more outspoken about Christ in my life more ways than one very soon. Hopefully, everyone else will see a pearl inside. I just have been rubbed raw by how many grains of sand it has taken to really notice of Christ being formed in me.