Pre-emptive Providence

It seems that God, the Holy Spirit has been busy pre-empting whatever I am about to learn at church or in the college ministry I attend in my convictions. I don't know why but its happened several times now. I don't know if it is because He does not want me to be condemned by it or what the deal is. I'm not complaining. It has been strange. It has happened several times now. Maybe He is busy giving my sin a one two punch. I don't know. I get stuff out of the messages but I've already dealt with half of the problem it seems. I really don't know why. Perhaps you know.

Humility of God in Creation.

People are willing to structure their belief that God created because he primarily wanted to glorify himself. This is true but what is lacking is the idea that He also rules creation with humility. It is from this humility that he bestows honor on others rather than Himself. It is so tied to his gracious nature that people fail to realise that God is humble also. Notice it is Christ who is washing feet our feet. This present world will not understand that humility. Or why the humble will be the first in heaven.

Christ has condescended to our level. This is shown most clearly in the incarnation and cruxificition of Christ not merely in washing feet. Why should it be thought of as strange if this aspect of humility and deferance is a virtue in God character's. It is in a Christians. Humility moves God to rule creation as He does, just as much as the of love of His own attribute. Seeking Glory seems to make it impossible for God to be humble. It makes it all the more possible. God is self-suffiecent. Yes, its true but seeking any need of glory in us is relieved by the fact that He continually defers His honor until others are raptured up into it completely. It never completely returns to Him either. The fact that He is able to infinitely redeem creatures means that He has infinitely exhaulted us to infinitely try pay Him back in eternity. What an unlucky lot this is. We shall forever be sweetly indebted to God. It is out of God's excess of His own glory rather than His need. He gains glory from of condescending to our level. Yet, this is merely a side effect of His humility. God is too big to escape the additional honor and glory he gathers in doing so. Let us look at that humility.

First, there is humility in the trinity. Each person is subjected to each other. They are entirely humble within themselves in their deferance of Honor and Glory to each other. Christ is an easy example of humility. Yet, the Father also displays humility by giving all powers of judgment to Christ. The Father's did not seek His own glory in carrying out salvation either or ending creation. The Son did not seek His own glory in keeping believers or applying His salvation. Christ went to the Father to send the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit follows the sovereign plan of the Father and doles out the grace bought by the Son. Yet, the Holy Spirit, far from being the least among the trinity, extends this glory and honor to believers by being their pledge, preserver, and aid in times of trouble. The glory and honor of God is only magnified in these acts. It is intrinisic to God himself. Yet, it is also outside of Him by the fact that He bestows whatever gained He on others in Christ.

The Trinity as a whole ends up glorifying believers for God loved them before the foundation of the world. We are drawn into that eternal love of God and exhaulted by it. It is the lack of self interest mixed with absolute interest on God's side. Yet, God's glory is not so small that it cannot be shared in part or rather reflected by others. This was the end of creation. God rightly places the extrensic part, if there be any, of His glory in others so He can love it. It is His nature to be gracious. God runs into the problem of gaining more glory and honor in the process for which He defers and delights in defering. It all but establishes himself with more. He is a fountain and the source of Glory. From which, He has blessed us with every good word and spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Eternity will prompt us to try and return the favor. Oh, how humility of our perfect beings will demand that we do so. It will be a sad day for the proud.

Selfish Love and Care

I think there needs to be a clarification on Christian hedonism, love, and dependency on God.

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7


It clearly says that love does not seek its own. Sometimes it is impossible to divorce self-interest from love. Many try but it does not readily happen. John Piper's Desiring God clearly explains that not separating the two is ok with respect to God. He talks abstractly about means and ends but does not go far enough and say that selfish love and selfish doing good with respect to others is rarely ok.. The emotional (usually hormonal) dependancy that gives rise to a seeking of happiness outside of God which can come and go. The object of that love is usually not constant. This is not always love either but some kind of dependency in which we need someone else to be happy. Idolatry perhaps? This external source of happiness should be God for He will never disappoint. We must not confuse this problem with real christian devotion in caring for others either. It causes real problems when it is not centered on God.

Lets first discuss all kinds of selfish love. (It is not really love but dependancy to meet one's own needs in someone else.) It causes problems with a lot of relationships. People become controlling or people become needy. People somehow involve in the other's life. People somehow care or receive care for inappropriately. People care for addicts by feeding their adictions. People care for sinners by feeding them everything but what they really need to hear. These people place their happiness on things external. This hides easily within the christian message but it is sinful.

People can care for others to care for others rather than serving God through others. Some value the care of others when they really should value God's care through others. Our minds our darkened by nature to this truth. There is some illusionary aspect that can even outstrip reality of what is really needed. People still continue to do these things for their own needs to be satisfied though. They are ends in and of themselves. They are not the means that God intended to be glorified by. Such actions cannot be fit for worshipping God.

John Piper shows that self-interest can be God-centered and God-glorifying. This desire can draw one into the depths of God. (One desires to become closer with God and thus draws him nearer.) There is value in caring about the concerns of God. Namely his glory but this is not love. It is close but entirely independant. Luckily, it is not mutually exclusive to; real love can develop in the depths of this attraction.

Matyrdom is listed as something that can be a selfish act done without love in Corinthians 13. It seems strange for it looks like it might be its ultimate expression of love. Christ was essentially matyred. There is no greater love than him who lays down his life for a friend right? Yes and no. The difference is Christ did it entirely for others in purpose as well as effect. He did not consider himself in the act. He did not fill His own needs. Let us always examine that if we wish to see what our care aught to look like. Our love and self-interest can only be in God and his plan. If happiness in one's life comes from something external like a relationship, let that relationship be with God. God will never disappoint, so it does not matter.

Yet, it is not true love. Love does not seek its own. It develops with time after all our needs are met. Let those needs be met in God so you can serve others. This is the effect of the gospel. Our greatest need has been met. Love becomes forged not in caring for others burdens or being cared for greatly but by gladly sharing in the overflow and comfort we have from God. Our service eventually become nothing but an overflow of grace and care towards others. It is not that we loved God first but rather he loved us. We are drawn to that because we are needy creatures. It is from that real love and a real relationship is established that meets the needs of others without return.

Pathetic

I’ve recently confessed the starts of sin sin to a friend. I thought that this sin made me rather pathetic. In a strange twist of irony, he has problems with a similar sin. Not the same but similar. I’ve got to thinking that we are all a bunch of pathetic sinners. There’s no cure. There’s no hope. We’re just pathetic. We can’t get around that. We can’t dictate our own moods. We find too much satisfaction in things where we aught not to. We can’t relate right to each other. We fall over our own needs when we look to find happiness outside ourselves. We can’t relate to God rightly either because of it. We are fallen. We are selfish. We are pathetic and we need help. We need God. How pathetic is that. Very.

Unreality and Reality

I feel like I've had to deal with the unreality of reality and the reality of unreality. It may be hard to understand how I'm feeling.
-The problem is the cross seems so unreal but it is the ultimate reality.
-Our sin seems so real but has no substance outside of the good it corrupts.
-Our lives with indwelling sin seem so unreal and real.

The way I feel is unreal like something is in motion. There is something not quite at equilibrium anymore and I can't believe it. For better or for worse, it feels like condemnation. Oh, how it would clear up this unreality issue if it was. I hope it isn't more of the same. Its a pain that doesn't go away fully with the cross. Joy exists beside it. I'd like to think it is the starts of repentance. Or Godly sorrow. I've never felt it like this exactly before. Time will tell what this emotion and pain is.

There is one thing that I feel like I'm failing at in it all. I'm closer and further from God. I need to take the opportunity to take it deeper with Him. I'm not taking the opportunity to glorify God more for His actions. And even more for His being.

Confession of Confessing

Why is it that it is so much easier to confess sin a second time than it is to confess it the first time? I don't get it. I actually felt relieved and comfortable the second time. I went away feeling encouraged. The first time I went away mistrustful and an emotional train wreck for 2 days. This is after hitting the gas to fly into the wall the week before. I went away emotionally destroyed then. Crying, stressed, mistrustful, and relieved all at once. I was never quite right for two weeks. Still not but I don't know if i'll ever be. There is still too much unreality in it all, that I actually talked. Twice now. It was a double dose of humility. I don't know how to feel about it all now. My heart is fickle. I don't feel like making it a habit to confess this one sin over and over. It was good to do it twice.

Roots

Ok, perhaps I will be disappointing some people by sticking around. I've made the conscious decision to go to graduate school at Tennessee if at all possible. Otherwise, I will get a job in Knoxville. I desire to stay. I really need to. There is stuff behind the scenes that people wouldn't understand. Some might say that I'm just putting my career on hold or that I am wasting my potential. I'm going to disappoint people with my decision. I am not going to try to please them. I'm only going to explain myself to a select few.

Everyone else is just going to have to get over it. I'm still young. I want to be about to make any choice I want. Even if it turns out wrong. I want to seek my welfare here. I want to grow in Godliness here. I don't necessarily care if its easy. I think I could be happy even working at McDonald's for a time, here. Its not about money. It never was for me. I don't think I can ever be just a career person. I know that God can be glorified in a secular career. (That is not in doubt.) I just don't know if he wishes me to pursue this career further in another place. It's a good career and I am willing to pursue my opportunities. I have two main reason graduate school would be good for me. Maturing/growing up and closer relationships. Not the best reasons but it now appears that I'll probably be mature enough for a job. I also have closer relationships and I'd hate to go now. The very things that draw me to grad school are the very things now that are making it less appealing. I'm not indecisive. My desires have just changed. It is in God's hands now. I have to seek God some more tomorrow on it.

I've consciously not turned in any other application outside of UT. I didn't like west virginia when I went there to snowboard. I know that I've close the door to opportunities that I haven't looked at. They would have little appeal anyway for I don't feel I would be happy. I'll reject them all cause I know something else others don't know in my life. Grace is from others in this season of life. I've found it here too. I'm coming out of my shell and I haven't really seen the depth of all my relationships pan out yet. After 3 1/2 years of college, maybe I'm finally getting it all in this last month or so. Finally, I becoming a bit more social and I see opening up as a necessity not just a small option.

I can't very well just give up on that. I must make my decision base on what is in me now. It says stay and cultivate friendships. I will find my strength in quietness and trust in God. Trust that God has a plan. I wish to remain here, a little while longer. I don't plan for it to be indefinite.

Friend to the End

I’ve just had someone prove themselves to be more than just any old friend in my life. I am very thankful for it. I have since looked around to see that there are many other people who could have been that friend if I had let them. I think I am past my super vulnerable stage in which I could have been hurt so easily opening up. I was prepared for total lose for the sake of the gospel here. I had to live that fear out by taking action. It was very real in ways you would never understand. It was very hard and I almost feel duped into it by God. There was no perceived benefit to self. There was a lot of risk to my friendships. I see that there was also risk to myself that I hadn't considered. I would have just withdrawn more deeply into my shell if I had been wounded in the whole ordeal. I still got hurt in it all but it was my entire fault for my lack of trust. I do not trust people outside of God enough. (Even with God’s prompting to do so.) Confessing sin is hard.

He was also a good friend to me because he reminded me of the gospel amidst my emotional train-wreck this morning. His stability and attitude have helped me towards God. It has helped a lot in putting things to rest. God has intended grace to be from others in this season of life. I have known this for over a month now. I had to face a darkness too great for my stoic character to handle alone. What I was facing was an insurmountable wall. You know that 'hitting both the brakes and accelerating' feeling. I kind of knew that I was headed toward a wall but I didn't want to say it. In hindsight, wisdom outside of God would have advocated more caution. I was not emotionally ready for even the best possible fallout that happened. I was barely able to deal with my emotional crap as it was with grace.

I need time to adjust to the other side of the wall. Some things got broken in the crash. I won't lie. I needed a friend to the end. Luckily, I think I have one through which I have confidence to face hell's flames. In addition, I’ve know I've been more than just a little needy recently. This friend has had to put up with it but he's only seen the surface. He'll probably be the reason that I open up after all these years though. I still need to shift my thanks for the whole situation back to God. My social defeat of humility and shame is quickly turning into a victory, worthy of praise and honor. Not on my part though for I see God's fingerprints all over it. His strength is perfected in my weakness. My strength will be perfected in quietness and trust.

I know what my next step is though. It would be good for me to expand my circle of friends, using the same trust and love that I have in Christ. What I began in the spirit, I hope not to finish in the flesh. I may not always have such a great friend outside of God to rely on in tough times. Nor should I expect for him to deal with all my emotional crap. I usually don't deal with this emotional crap myself. You are finding me in a paradoxical and counter-intuitive season in my life.

Hope in circumstances

I see some hope in my circumstances. Maybe that is because I'm growing up (after some arrested developement) and getting past my problems. I still have to connect this new self to God's providence in my mind because he has been really active recently. It is a hope that needs to be further rooted into the Gospel and Christ. He is the steadfast anchor of my soul. I cannot deny that. It is not that I loved God but that he loved me first.

My Insecurities are vanishing quickly and I don't know why. Well... it is because of God and I'm in the way. My anxiety has decreased about different things within the last year. My anxieties still need to decrease further when it comes to shyness and evangelism. I am a little more proactive but it needs more growth.

I need to be the very friend that I didn't have for the longest time to people. That's by telling them the gospel and giving them God. I need to be the very person that understands sin and depravity, just to send people off the way that has hurt me so much. I need to be the very person that understand's the fear of God, he is feared because he forgives. I need to persuade others of that fear.

God has more than stepped up to deal with me as my father and as my friend. He afflicted me with a lack of grace for a time but it was for my good. He has now poured it out. It isn't easier now but I have grace to help with the difficulties. It is much better to be blind and walk straight than to stumble along a difficult path with sight. It is much better to walk by faith.

Quiet Trust and Confidence.

I have been growing like crazy emotionally and in understanding social relationships but I have a weak link in my chain.

[15 For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,"In returning(repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." But you were unwilling,] Isaiah 30:15

This whole chapter became more alive to me recently. Not just the part about God guiding me. I feel like I am moving into another promise as far as finding my strength. The last one was boasting in my weaknesses. I will do it more if it be necessary. I have scratched below the surface layer and it unsettled me emotionally for two days after I boasted in such. I was probably unsettled for almost a week prior preparing to do that. I lost sleep needlessly for two weeks of my life. I am not happy about that. It was not due to that sin I confessed but to another duo. Vanity and mistrust.

It exposed something else at work in my heart. Or something that is lacking. I've started working on it. It seems strange. I have recently found that I only fully trust God, after grace. I don't always trust myself. I don't fully trust friends even with multiple testimonies by God to do so. It has changed now in one instance with a close friend. God showed me that it was unbelief to not trust a friend if I believed it was His will to do so.

I don't know how to go forward as clearly on this one but God will begin to show me more soon. I need to be content to rest in my hospital room till I get better. I need God to change me. I hope to be willing but it is difficult. Another dose of humility might be in order to for me. Just to push me back into quietness.

Coming out as an oyster

I’m coming out of my shell slowly and surely. (Actually it feels kind of fast.) The best analogy of how I feel in this emo phase is like an oyster. You may not see it but I am. I am like the oyster whose shell is opening. I’m learning to breathe again. I see the knife coming toward me and I’m afraid of it. A knife that will cut my abductor muscle. My very strength to keep what is inside unseen from anyone but God. This knife is ready to spill my guts out onto the floor.

In case you don’t know how to shuck an oyster. Here are the gruesome steps.




1. Hold onto the oyster firmly.
2. Slip the knife blade between the top and bottom shell right by the hinge. It is necessary to exert some pressure to open the oyster shell
3. Run the knife around the oyster until you get to the other side.
4. Using a twisting motion, pry the top and bottom shells apart.
5. Cut the oyster free from his shell. There is a muscle attached at the middle to both the top and bottom shells. When you cut the muscle, the shells will easily spread.
6. Then finish prying them apart and cut the oyster completely off the shells. In order to not cut up the meat, slide the knife inward, slide close against the surface of the bottom shell.

Something is going to happen shortly. What I do not see is that this is the work of the great physician, God himself, sovereign in my life. He is here to help not hurt me. Soon my only hiding place will be in Christ. I am slowly selling out. I will be more outspoken about Christ in my life more ways than one very soon. Hopefully, everyone else will see a pearl inside. I just have been rubbed raw by how many grains of sand it has taken to really notice of Christ being formed in me.