Vanity

Ok, these last few days, I have been staying up kind of late just contemplating different things. I have been thinking about appearances. I have been able to sleep but I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I am the same. Some of this is from my current depression/melancholy. I've been too serious. (I don't believe this is the same as thinking too deeply on serious things. I need to start small by being content in finding God's will and doing it in simple things.)

Although the main problem is not that. It is that I've been doing so many things that are out of character as of late. I need more confidence. I need to know who I am. Or who I am becoming more clearly. I feel like I am becoming a loser. I feel like I am about to sell out. What I mean by becoming a loser is having nothing left that is really my own. Nothing that is not laid bare and exposed. Nothing that is just mine wedged in as a vain lie between reality and perception. I don't want this at all but I know that Christ hid nothing, while still hiding everything. I know it is the next step to take.

I've been on a spiritual rollercoaster for a month and a 1/2. It's the longest one I've been on. I am coming to the point that I feel like I need to hit the e-brake and while wanting to hit the gas. I need more independance but I see I need others. I need to be comfortable with my own person but I need change badly, which I believe God is effecting it with others.

I still need to know if it is all necessary though. I am still quite fragile and have many fears. I am only human and I know I can be hurt very easily. I don't want to be in that position. Some fears probably are reasonable. Some fears aren't. I am afraid of burning bridges. I am afraid of the wrong impressions. And I am afraid of sin. Yet, it is all but empty vanity.

I don't envy anyone else's station in life for I am sure they have their own problems. (At one time I did envy them.) I am trying to be spiritually content in it all. I have always found it difficult. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whatever comes of this. Let it be known that it is being wrought by God. I know this is so in more than one way.