The Strength, Power and Way of Grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ""My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

I am seeing the latter part of this verse more and more. Oh, how I believed the strength of grace so much that I felt I was without it. I did not comprehend that this verse was not propping up the strength of grace. This is an easy misunderstanding. Oh, I knew how strong God's grace could be. I knew how this strength could be sufficent. I had felt this many times. Yet, his grace is just as sufficent when we don't feel it.

I knew grace was always sufficent and powerful but it was never strong enough for me. Yet, I now realize that I was confusing grace's power and strength (which is its power dwelling in us). I knew what it was to be 'without grace' and go through dark periods of faith. I see now that: We are really never without grace. We are only without its effects, which are individual graces themselves. We are without those. I doubted grace's sufficency in a sideways manner from such a confusion. I sought God about it and I felt that he refused to me grace. Multiple times with the same answer. It seemed strange. I could not escape that He was telling me No.... NO, How could He tell me No? I was spoiled by grace. It is unmerited. In truth, He had rather refused for the particular grace of having its power dwell in me to change. The grace itself remained sufficent. He reminded me of the sufficency a few times but I did not understand. I thought this to be the problem but the problem was elsewhere.

The verse that was meant to be the solution became part of the problem. I thought that because of the lack of Grace's strength. Grace in my life lacked power and by extension sufficency. This was a contradiction too great for me, so I then considered the fact that I lack grace altogether here. My assurance was rocked a few times but I was confused and dishearted about it. Remnants of past legalism also helped drive a wedge further. This tore me apart. I began picking at His providence in fighting sin in my life. Something I could not do at that time very well. I doubted God's goodness and God's timing in giving grace. I did this more than once.

I was only getting the standard answers. I was getting the answers of Job. They did not seem to help me then. I was shaking my fist at God because of my felt lack of grace. I was shaking my fist at God for not changing me. I was doubting His goodness. I was doubting His grace. I did not like His timetable. My sin was habitual and a constant source of condemnation. Yet, the occational sin of doubting his love was greater still.

The answers of Job only have helped me marginally. Of course, the gospel helped in this time with the effects but I remained without a remedy to the cause. I can now thank Him because I see wisdom in the delay. I knew of this wisdom by Job. Yet, I did not. I can now say that My ears have heard and now my eyes have seen. I am about to repent in ashes over my past actions and thoughts. I have yet to humble myself some more over this sin.

I think I am seeing that His power is meant to be perfected in our weaknesses. The power of grace becomes perfected here and its strength dwells with us. It still isn't merited by our weakness. It is grace still but this is the way that God intend for it to dwell in us. We have His word on such. We are to hold this grace in jars of clay. We can never be part of the solution. I always thought that grace is powerful and invincible. Yes, it is but grace's strength comes elsewhere. This verse shows the way of that grace as much as it shows its sufficency outside of its felt strength. Grace is to be perfected and dwell in us by our weaknesses.

If you are 'without grace' or rather its strength for it is sufficent regardless, you need to become weaker. God may even intend for you to boast about your weaknesses. I will continue to pray for power to change but now I see I need to be weaker still. I need to decrease so that He may increases. I have started to comprehend what the answer of Job means in my life. God intended that I let others share some of my burdens. He also intended that I move past my insecurities and be transparent more. In exposing sin and bring sin to the light. Not just to Him but specifically to others. He is growing me in relationships almost as much as I have wanted Him to. I just did not know how he was going to do it.

The floodgates of grace, or rather its power, have opened widely recently. Not necessarily from others, but from God also. It is from this that I can praise God in His wisdom and providence in the appearant delay. And repent in ashes over my sins in the time between. I hope that such a grace does not come to an end anytime soon. I am on the fast track of growth right now and don't want to slow down. That one sin remains in a lesser form. I still want it dead. I still need further grace. I still need less strength so that I can have more of it. I may have to boast in my weaknesses.