Roots

Ok, perhaps I will be disappointing some people by sticking around. I've made the conscious decision to go to graduate school at Tennessee if at all possible. Otherwise, I will get a job in Knoxville. I desire to stay. I really need to. There is stuff behind the scenes that people wouldn't understand. Some might say that I'm just putting my career on hold or that I am wasting my potential. I'm going to disappoint people with my decision. I am not going to try to please them. I'm only going to explain myself to a select few.

Everyone else is just going to have to get over it. I'm still young. I want to be about to make any choice I want. Even if it turns out wrong. I want to seek my welfare here. I want to grow in Godliness here. I don't necessarily care if its easy. I think I could be happy even working at McDonald's for a time, here. Its not about money. It never was for me. I don't think I can ever be just a career person. I know that God can be glorified in a secular career. (That is not in doubt.) I just don't know if he wishes me to pursue this career further in another place. It's a good career and I am willing to pursue my opportunities. I have two main reason graduate school would be good for me. Maturing/growing up and closer relationships. Not the best reasons but it now appears that I'll probably be mature enough for a job. I also have closer relationships and I'd hate to go now. The very things that draw me to grad school are the very things now that are making it less appealing. I'm not indecisive. My desires have just changed. It is in God's hands now. I have to seek God some more tomorrow on it.

I've consciously not turned in any other application outside of UT. I didn't like west virginia when I went there to snowboard. I know that I've close the door to opportunities that I haven't looked at. They would have little appeal anyway for I don't feel I would be happy. I'll reject them all cause I know something else others don't know in my life. Grace is from others in this season of life. I've found it here too. I'm coming out of my shell and I haven't really seen the depth of all my relationships pan out yet. After 3 1/2 years of college, maybe I'm finally getting it all in this last month or so. Finally, I becoming a bit more social and I see opening up as a necessity not just a small option.

I can't very well just give up on that. I must make my decision base on what is in me now. It says stay and cultivate friendships. I will find my strength in quietness and trust in God. Trust that God has a plan. I wish to remain here, a little while longer. I don't plan for it to be indefinite.