Pride and Prejudice

I feel that I have pride that arises against authors I should agree with. It is a prejudice towards those I should find a lot of common ground. I have higher expectations of authors than what should be warranted. I form these expectation on the basis of their name and reputation. Some people pump up authors to. This does not help me. My mind easily sees them fall and I end up seeking further disagreements. I do not envy their position though but do become uncharitable. I read a book with an expectation of the author rather than the expectation that God will meet me. And reveal Himself to me.

I am trying to be earnest here. There is something about being earnest. I feel I should let go of this and be gone with the wind by seeking the spirit. I need to say to my expectations Who is Paul, Who is Apollos, and of course say to Scarlet; Frankly my Dear, I don't give a damn.

The Pace of Life

I've been a little slow writing as of late. Yet, I am still growing in the Lord. I am busy growing up. I am not the same anymore because of grace. The pace of life for me has been set by God. This is a recap of God's growth in my life.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/character-iii.html
The start of a lot of things. Just confessing my sin to a friend and pursing humility, fellowship, empathy, and care has done wonders as a means of grace. It is because the Lord has blessed it for this self-sufficient, sufficiently sinful loner.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/new-and-excellent-way.html
Very Prophetic. I have to confess some unbelief at the time of writing this post on the amazing things God has done with respect sin and preparing me for marriage. I am almost there. This serves as a monument. I remember editing out some of the more spectacular thoughts I had during this post. They seemed too wonderful. Too good to be true. I had some problems with sin that ran deeper than the sea. Luckily, the sea fits in the hollow of God's hand. Why did I doubt God in such? Perhaps its a greater sin.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/gods-care-for-me-recently.html
This speaks to God's Clarity and care in the beginning a really long process. His continued clarity sits within the post's scriptural promises. (At least for this season.) It was his prophetic care. He declared many things beforehand so that I, an obstinate person, would see His Glory and say it was not my hand that has brought these things to past. I am still in that process a year later. It has proved true as long as there is trust in God, opposed to trust in that which is merely psychological or my own analysis, things are great.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/let-darkness-be-light.html This post was right before 2 people died in my church. The pastor had to conduct his first few funerals. Coincidence or Not? It confirms I am where the Lord has me. I had several other incidences like this for the next few weeks. Everything got preempted by the Holy Spirit. No sermon convicted me because God convicted me the night before for 2 months. I was at a crossroads here to.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/needs-2.html
http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2008/11/spiritual-blindness.html
This is what has been working itself out as far as sin. I had forgotten about writing this when I did. I never realized this was SO very true, at least for me.

http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=22795418&searchType=ALL&page=0
I am still stuck here. I am still learning to care for people. Right now my empathy is still very particular, especially towards my best friend. I pray for that to grow outward just as my other new emotions have.

The difference between judgmentalism and discernment

Without love its only a hair's width.

God moves

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper-

Contending with my own Berean Spirit

I am having issues with my own willingness to submit, or rather support, teachings I don't see as biblical. I am eager to learn but I don't always agree, especially when it comes to the doctrines regarding that authority. I don't think it is spiritual pride because it is never an issue submitting when I am wrong. It only is an issue when I am right and know that I am right.

Spiritual pride exists without reference to right or wrong though. It exists without reference one being in authority vs. not. It has a more organic source. It exists in reference to humility in being right or wrong, even for leaders. I still have not learned to balance or understand this berean aspect. I find I have disagreements and cannot always be on board for teaching or being teachable since I have formed conclusions.

Let us reason together though, it is not sin. I don't want to be critical for the sake of being critical but I do want to test and hold fast to that which is good.

This shows most drastically in my understanding of ecclesialogy and community. It has started to cause a little bit of sin but the sin isn't in disagreeing and making it known. I see problems in areas like the right use of sacrements (mostly resolved), Worship, covenant theology within the sacrements, lack of a care structure among certain ministries, the support of courtship vs. its reality, and the top-down view of submission without grass roots accountability. (I want a presby.) This last one causes pride to become an issue when I am told to submit to church leaders. Or that leaders submit themselves. Or I must submission to anything. It gets colored in the wrong light of the world and the authoritarian nature that the world places on submission.

Only God is the Lord of my conscience. I can only submit as I see that it is towards the Lord, as those leaders follow the Lord. What do I do when I don't see that though. I am not always in a place to see it either. We all, pastors included, are afflicted by differing degrees of spiritual blindness. Yet, the body of Christ isn't a giant tongue and giant ear either. I guess the only thing I owe towards leaders is love, humility, and an eagerness to test my conviction when I disagree on particulars, not submission against my conscience. Those are the only bonds I have to cultivate.

Spiritual blindness

Its a funny thing being blind. I feel I have just got over a long stretch of it. I was blind emotional and spiritually to the truth behind a sin. I sat in that sin for 7 years as a christian before things started to change at the beginning of this year. Looking back I don't think I could have even fought that sin as I aught. I will take none of the 1 Cor 10 crap on it. I could not resist it in my heart. I am not going to be a pharisee and say oh... it's ok. It's still sin. There is no Arminian idea of grace where God supported me such that I had to decide myself if I would sin and could thus resist. That is blatently false. Yet, I am what I am. Even if that means I am responsible but unable to change.

Now for 1 Cor 10. I believe it only talks to unbelief and idolatry. It does not talk to the moment but only to the inevitablity of change as well as the impossiblity of apostacy. God is still in the process of opening eyes even for christians. I see things that were once lying in darkness as it become midday in my heart. My sin was beyond the deceitfulness of most hearts and most sins. It eluded discovery until God highlighted the solution. I've been searching for the question though. What I should have asked about my sin that I didn't. It was 180 degrees from what I expected. God is so kind and so gracious that I am left to repent in ashes.

Personality Probs

I was a little bored. I decided to see what psychology had to say about me lacking some of the necessary emotions. Or not feeling them properly. Especially in feeling loneliness as boredom. Affection as weak sense of harmony and not the fuzzy wuzzies. It was an interesting endeavour. I found out that I would be a sociopath if I was obsessed with winning, chronic lying, and manipulating people. A grade A serial killer perhaps?. Or a serial rapist? There are some anti-social problems I deal with. They are going away but it seems I have a lot of the traits of someone whose is/was schizoid. Some of it is changing now. I don't think I have overt self-sufficiency and sense of superiority stuff within the definition of it.

I wonder how God will finally fix everything. Not if. He already has been. It seems that some of this is related to sin and my deceptive/corrupted heart. I hope I hope to kill it and have it replaced by true empathy for others.

It is finished!

Christ said "It is finished." What did He mean by it? Did He mean His ministry? Did He mean His life? Did He mean His atonement? Did it mean a great deal of things? Or did it mean all of these things. It seems so unclear to what extent things were finished. I think people often overlook the full meaning of this phrase. It is much more absolute.

"It is finished" comes from one Greek word. "tetelestai". It means everything is complete, perfect, accomplished in full. The consequences will endure. It has come to an end. The word also was used the same way we use "paid in full." Christ has paid our debt completely. There is no contractual obligation left to the law. Yet, the word in its most appropriate sense can be found in the context of the section. Tetelestai is used twice. John 19:28. The parallel should seen "After this, when Jesus knew that all things were now completed, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled, he said, ‘I thirst.'"

His last obligation was towards scripture. In asking for a drink. It is thus according to the eternal word of scripture that all is complete. Nothing else is said to be so complete not even Creation itself.

Love at First Sight

If I was blind and somehow God healed my eyes to see...
And I also believe in love at first sight...

How could I not be a Calvinist?

Tribute to John Cage

... ... ...

Saturate by Telecast

Dwelling on the days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I wait just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies, inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won't be satisfied
Until I've laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won't be satisfied
Until You're all that comes through
Until I'm saturated with You

Feelings come and feelings go
Don't care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I'm scared
Days I just fall apart, but You're there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that's so confused
Jesus, I love You
Saturate me with You

Growing up like a tree planted by streams of water

I feel as though I am becoming more sanctified. I don't want to boast. It is not my doing. Oh, how I wish to root out the idols that I attribute it to other than God. I want to root out the one that thinks my best friend has helped in some fashion, rather than God doing it all. I may bring forth fruit but I also feel this branch cannot naturally. I would be a barren tree without God.

God has restored my soul from its drought. He has grafted me into christ. I now sit near pleasant waters. Now Satan has changed his tactic. He wishes to wash away the gains in a deluge. My heart struggles. I wish that my heart rested on God alone but it has not. It has wandered greatly. I am a wretched sinner. It is not lust right now but oh... I wish it were that simple. I am caught up in my own idolatrous passions. I was blindsided by these last two entangling sins. Satan has merely shown more of his hand. God shall overcome my sin and faith shall overcome the world. I shall continue to grow up like a tree planted by streams of water. This is because of God's good pleasure not my efforts.

Self-absorption

Self-absorption is turning inward to deal with or avoid pain. It is a large sin or rather a tendancy that strengthen's sin power.

I have researched self-absorption. It is very complicated. Many people would believe that being self-absorption is only arrogance or vanity. I disagree. Someone can be humble, serving in a soup kitchen, and all the while being self-absorbed. People can be proud and vain in their confession or in their doing good. Self-absorption is an indirect pride that pulls people inward and turns them inside out. It is inherent in all men and all sin.

First, all sin turns people's attention from God toward themselves. God rightly says that sin comes from men's darkened minds in Romans 1. Self-absorption here seperates one from God into one's self. Placing emphasis on self is ultimately idolatry.

Second, self absorption when confronted with suffering in others make it the opposite of empathy. One will only care for themself. It is opposed to love here to. Love does not seek its own.

Third, self-absorption causes resilience to pain. (So is it good?) This seems strange but there was a psychological study that stated people who were self-absorped did better after 9-11 than others. Furthermore, I tend to accept this psychological insight. God's holiness can be painful to me so people run from such pain. They run from God. These kind of people need to be hurt more over there sin, not less. They need their hearts opened to God. People turn inward when condemned but not convicted.

Fourth, the Holy Spirit must sever any self-absorption. He is given the work of convicting the world of sin and of righteousness by the Word. It is the Word which is offensive. It cuts sharply. It will bring Godly pain to bring one to repentance.

Fifth, one must repent of themself in many sins. Repentance is turning from sin and switching sides. It means switching from your selfish side to God's.

Sixth, Self-absorption is closely related to self-sufficiency. It is the inward focus of this outward problem. It is closing one's heart toward God.

Things are going my (God's) way.

I am in one of those periods where God has been abundantly gracious to me. He has given me joy and the desires of my heart for godliness. He is kind and I see that His timing is right. I feel that God has withheld certain things from me. These things are very good but at the same time. I can only say that they are good because of God's actions on my behalf. It is now that I see His wisdom. The very wisdom I rejected because I had not seen such great things. I would not be able to enjoy things normal people take for granted without God. It has left a certain hole in my chest. Straight to my heart. God easily breaks in every morning. The older and more mature I become as a Christian the fewer defenses I have to seeing God's goodness. My heart breaks more often not less. He has continued to expose my heart to Himself and the sorrow and joys of His holiness. I wish not to be one who shrinks back in fear or unbelief.

He makes me cry often but usually in a good way. Yes, I cry because of Him. I can't say that I would cry so much for other things. This is a reminder of grace. It is a reminder of God. It is His goodness given to me, past and present. It is His faithfulness that endures beyond my own failures. I can only expect this undeserved grace to continue. I can only expect Him to be as gracious as He has been. God doesn't change. His ways don't change.

I pray that my will may fall more and more in line with His will day by day. Not my will be done but yours, Oh Lord. But I do pray that it goes well with me. That it is agreeable when it does not need to be otherwise. That it is painful only when it creates godliness in me and dependancy on you.

I have a new job, a new car, new great roomates, and pain is going away. I have the ability to enjoy them to. This is from God. Yet, these all mean nothing. They are but icing on the cake. I value the grace from God the most when it comes to fighting sin. I value His wisdom. I value God himself and I am at a loss of words to thank Him.

Friends and Idols 2

It seems I've turned self-sufficient over the last month. I didn't realize because I felt really humble asking friends for help. I was relying on my friends, more than myself and more than God, to help me figure out some of emotional stuff. I am at a lack to understand my heart now more than ever. It is deceitful above all things. My friends couldn't help me much. I couldn't help myself much. Every single idea of my own seemed to fail. Its time for God's way again.

It is clear that only God can illuminate the darkest parts of my heart. Only he can bring conviction with His Word. Only, He can split apart the soul and spirit, bones and marrow. I am at war with pronouns in describing His work in my life so far. I see I have been constantly stealing glory without realizing it. I am back to trying to get my faith in His promises and in His help back . Yet, God is the one who will give that. I cannot rightly call it my faith. Cause it is not my own. He has done a lot in my sinful life already. He will do a lot more that I don't deserve it. I am at a loss to describe all that he has been doing as far as sin go. Especially in areas like lust, friends, and idols.

Shadow Boxing

It seems these days I am fighting my shadow. I am fighting sin that I think is there but has not made itself known. I know the heart is deceitful above all things. I want to pursue it to the root but it is costly to me. I have lost a godward focus for fighting my sin because it is in remission. Like a deadly cancer it can come back. I need to relearn that the spirit is the one who has to illuminate that dark sin and fight all those tendancies too deep in my soul. I see my sin as a shadow. Its always there with me but I can't seem to reach it on my own. I could try but...

I'll end up looking flipping ridiculuous trying killing my shadow by choking myself. Talking, asking, and looking up to people can't help me figure out my emotional confusion in multiple areas. I'll be isolating myself from those who might be smart enough to tell me the truth if things remain the same. I need to know that the son needs to rise up in my heart till it is high noon. Say Goodbye Shadow. I will not have to try to box then.

Confession of No Expectations

Ok, there is a spring break trip coming up for me. Fortunately, God has been working overtime in my life recently. This has slowed down for my good. Too much drama but its ok for now. The 4 1/2 month rollarcoaster has ended in a good spot. There have been several weeks that have felt better than past spring break trips to the beach with my church. Everything in my life is slowly falling into place. Nothing is left out.

With this said, I really don't have any expectations about what will be going on for this spring break trip. Furthermore, I also don't believe anything can be blown out of the water by it in comparison to past events. So I am left with no expectations. Nothing that God isn't already doing. It is bugging me. I don't know what I should expect. I've been to 3 of these things before. I already know that I will invest in some relationships. I know that I will have times of undistracted devotion. Yet, it won't glorify God in meeting these low expectations alone. That makes me a little sad. It is as though I do not know how to pray about it. God is too great for such.

Friends and Idolatry

What is interesting though is I have the ability to enjoy friends much more. As well as being discontent with em. I am very optimistic about this point in life. Yet, there is two ends that this can be done. Godward or selfishly. I think one way will be to make more sacrifices in myself and magnify God more often for it.

I will be pursuing love brotherly and otherwise. I really need to expand that outward more and more.

Confession of Friends Being Idols

Ok, its pretty much true now. I can feel that it is getting in the way of me worshipping God. Nothing should do that. I am sitting here very discontent. Yeah, practically crying. People shouldn't have that kind of power over me or my moods. I am afraid that I will be discontent living alone. I am afraid that I will feel like I have no friends.

Ok, the deal is that I've let an important housing decision go by. It is out of my hands and all I can do is wait. I am close to being critical of others for being indecisive. I use to be the king at that; that is hypocrisy. Essentially, I feel I have waited far too long on the best decision. Now, the good and safe one is almost gone. I think I will be left with crap its a 50/50 dice role. We'll see how it all turns out.

Confession of absolute supernaturalism.

Ok, I believe everything is completely supernatural. I believe that God's hand supports the universe completely by the power of His word. I believe nothing is outside His grasp. I believe that salvation is entirely supernatural as well. That is to say our salvation has no causes but God.

One might object saying that our will is a cause to. I ask whether our will is a natural function of creation or not? It arises from our minds, so I see it as entirely natural. It remains under the curse of original sin. It has been corrupted by the fall. How can something that we are supposed to be saved from keep us from being saved. We need to be saved from outside ourselves.

Baseing our wills on some power in a past supernatural act like creation does not remove supernaturalism or prove naturalism. The only way our minds could be something other than natural is if God gave them power to be independant of just creation. Free will? Perhaps but God would have to give us our own cause and own power. We would have to be supernatural beings ourselves not dependant on him for our being, or the thoughts of self that also compose our consciousness as a being. It smacks with too much pride. God is not sitting on his hands. He is not silent on this issue. It would be different if God exhalted our ability to be free and out of that freedom choose what is right in the Gospel. He rather exhalts Himself, what he has done, and rejoices over us despite our chains. It is clear that I believe it is all of God. I believe entirely in supernaturalism. A supernaturalism also known as Calvinism.