Pathetic

I’ve recently confessed the starts of sin sin to a friend. I thought that this sin made me rather pathetic. In a strange twist of irony, he has problems with a similar sin. Not the same but similar. I’ve got to thinking that we are all a bunch of pathetic sinners. There’s no cure. There’s no hope. We’re just pathetic. We can’t get around that. We can’t dictate our own moods. We find too much satisfaction in things where we aught not to. We can’t relate right to each other. We fall over our own needs when we look to find happiness outside ourselves. We can’t relate to God rightly either because of it. We are fallen. We are selfish. We are pathetic and we need help. We need God. How pathetic is that. Very.

Unreality and Reality

I feel like I've had to deal with the unreality of reality and the reality of unreality. It may be hard to understand how I'm feeling.
-The problem is the cross seems so unreal but it is the ultimate reality.
-Our sin seems so real but has no substance outside of the good it corrupts.
-Our lives with indwelling sin seem so unreal and real.

The way I feel is unreal like something is in motion. There is something not quite at equilibrium anymore and I can't believe it. For better or for worse, it feels like condemnation. Oh, how it would clear up this unreality issue if it was. I hope it isn't more of the same. Its a pain that doesn't go away fully with the cross. Joy exists beside it. I'd like to think it is the starts of repentance. Or Godly sorrow. I've never felt it like this exactly before. Time will tell what this emotion and pain is.

There is one thing that I feel like I'm failing at in it all. I'm closer and further from God. I need to take the opportunity to take it deeper with Him. I'm not taking the opportunity to glorify God more for His actions. And even more for His being.

Confession of Confessing

Why is it that it is so much easier to confess sin a second time than it is to confess it the first time? I don't get it. I actually felt relieved and comfortable the second time. I went away feeling encouraged. The first time I went away mistrustful and an emotional train wreck for 2 days. This is after hitting the gas to fly into the wall the week before. I went away emotionally destroyed then. Crying, stressed, mistrustful, and relieved all at once. I was never quite right for two weeks. Still not but I don't know if i'll ever be. There is still too much unreality in it all, that I actually talked. Twice now. It was a double dose of humility. I don't know how to feel about it all now. My heart is fickle. I don't feel like making it a habit to confess this one sin over and over. It was good to do it twice.

Roots

Ok, perhaps I will be disappointing some people by sticking around. I've made the conscious decision to go to graduate school at Tennessee if at all possible. Otherwise, I will get a job in Knoxville. I desire to stay. I really need to. There is stuff behind the scenes that people wouldn't understand. Some might say that I'm just putting my career on hold or that I am wasting my potential. I'm going to disappoint people with my decision. I am not going to try to please them. I'm only going to explain myself to a select few.

Everyone else is just going to have to get over it. I'm still young. I want to be about to make any choice I want. Even if it turns out wrong. I want to seek my welfare here. I want to grow in Godliness here. I don't necessarily care if its easy. I think I could be happy even working at McDonald's for a time, here. Its not about money. It never was for me. I don't think I can ever be just a career person. I know that God can be glorified in a secular career. (That is not in doubt.) I just don't know if he wishes me to pursue this career further in another place. It's a good career and I am willing to pursue my opportunities. I have two main reason graduate school would be good for me. Maturing/growing up and closer relationships. Not the best reasons but it now appears that I'll probably be mature enough for a job. I also have closer relationships and I'd hate to go now. The very things that draw me to grad school are the very things now that are making it less appealing. I'm not indecisive. My desires have just changed. It is in God's hands now. I have to seek God some more tomorrow on it.

I've consciously not turned in any other application outside of UT. I didn't like west virginia when I went there to snowboard. I know that I've close the door to opportunities that I haven't looked at. They would have little appeal anyway for I don't feel I would be happy. I'll reject them all cause I know something else others don't know in my life. Grace is from others in this season of life. I've found it here too. I'm coming out of my shell and I haven't really seen the depth of all my relationships pan out yet. After 3 1/2 years of college, maybe I'm finally getting it all in this last month or so. Finally, I becoming a bit more social and I see opening up as a necessity not just a small option.

I can't very well just give up on that. I must make my decision base on what is in me now. It says stay and cultivate friendships. I will find my strength in quietness and trust in God. Trust that God has a plan. I wish to remain here, a little while longer. I don't plan for it to be indefinite.

Friend to the End

I’ve just had someone prove themselves to be more than just any old friend in my life. I am very thankful for it. I have since looked around to see that there are many other people who could have been that friend if I had let them. I think I am past my super vulnerable stage in which I could have been hurt so easily opening up. I was prepared for total lose for the sake of the gospel here. I had to live that fear out by taking action. It was very real in ways you would never understand. It was very hard and I almost feel duped into it by God. There was no perceived benefit to self. There was a lot of risk to my friendships. I see that there was also risk to myself that I hadn't considered. I would have just withdrawn more deeply into my shell if I had been wounded in the whole ordeal. I still got hurt in it all but it was my entire fault for my lack of trust. I do not trust people outside of God enough. (Even with God’s prompting to do so.) Confessing sin is hard.

He was also a good friend to me because he reminded me of the gospel amidst my emotional train-wreck this morning. His stability and attitude have helped me towards God. It has helped a lot in putting things to rest. God has intended grace to be from others in this season of life. I have known this for over a month now. I had to face a darkness too great for my stoic character to handle alone. What I was facing was an insurmountable wall. You know that 'hitting both the brakes and accelerating' feeling. I kind of knew that I was headed toward a wall but I didn't want to say it. In hindsight, wisdom outside of God would have advocated more caution. I was not emotionally ready for even the best possible fallout that happened. I was barely able to deal with my emotional crap as it was with grace.

I need time to adjust to the other side of the wall. Some things got broken in the crash. I won't lie. I needed a friend to the end. Luckily, I think I have one through which I have confidence to face hell's flames. In addition, I’ve know I've been more than just a little needy recently. This friend has had to put up with it but he's only seen the surface. He'll probably be the reason that I open up after all these years though. I still need to shift my thanks for the whole situation back to God. My social defeat of humility and shame is quickly turning into a victory, worthy of praise and honor. Not on my part though for I see God's fingerprints all over it. His strength is perfected in my weakness. My strength will be perfected in quietness and trust.

I know what my next step is though. It would be good for me to expand my circle of friends, using the same trust and love that I have in Christ. What I began in the spirit, I hope not to finish in the flesh. I may not always have such a great friend outside of God to rely on in tough times. Nor should I expect for him to deal with all my emotional crap. I usually don't deal with this emotional crap myself. You are finding me in a paradoxical and counter-intuitive season in my life.

Hope in circumstances

I see some hope in my circumstances. Maybe that is because I'm growing up (after some arrested developement) and getting past my problems. I still have to connect this new self to God's providence in my mind because he has been really active recently. It is a hope that needs to be further rooted into the Gospel and Christ. He is the steadfast anchor of my soul. I cannot deny that. It is not that I loved God but that he loved me first.

My Insecurities are vanishing quickly and I don't know why. Well... it is because of God and I'm in the way. My anxiety has decreased about different things within the last year. My anxieties still need to decrease further when it comes to shyness and evangelism. I am a little more proactive but it needs more growth.

I need to be the very friend that I didn't have for the longest time to people. That's by telling them the gospel and giving them God. I need to be the very person that understands sin and depravity, just to send people off the way that has hurt me so much. I need to be the very person that understand's the fear of God, he is feared because he forgives. I need to persuade others of that fear.

God has more than stepped up to deal with me as my father and as my friend. He afflicted me with a lack of grace for a time but it was for my good. He has now poured it out. It isn't easier now but I have grace to help with the difficulties. It is much better to be blind and walk straight than to stumble along a difficult path with sight. It is much better to walk by faith.

Quiet Trust and Confidence.

I have been growing like crazy emotionally and in understanding social relationships but I have a weak link in my chain.

[15 For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,"In returning(repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." But you were unwilling,] Isaiah 30:15

This whole chapter became more alive to me recently. Not just the part about God guiding me. I feel like I am moving into another promise as far as finding my strength. The last one was boasting in my weaknesses. I will do it more if it be necessary. I have scratched below the surface layer and it unsettled me emotionally for two days after I boasted in such. I was probably unsettled for almost a week prior preparing to do that. I lost sleep needlessly for two weeks of my life. I am not happy about that. It was not due to that sin I confessed but to another duo. Vanity and mistrust.

It exposed something else at work in my heart. Or something that is lacking. I've started working on it. It seems strange. I have recently found that I only fully trust God, after grace. I don't always trust myself. I don't fully trust friends even with multiple testimonies by God to do so. It has changed now in one instance with a close friend. God showed me that it was unbelief to not trust a friend if I believed it was His will to do so.

I don't know how to go forward as clearly on this one but God will begin to show me more soon. I need to be content to rest in my hospital room till I get better. I need God to change me. I hope to be willing but it is difficult. Another dose of humility might be in order to for me. Just to push me back into quietness.

Coming out as an oyster

I’m coming out of my shell slowly and surely. (Actually it feels kind of fast.) The best analogy of how I feel in this emo phase is like an oyster. You may not see it but I am. I am like the oyster whose shell is opening. I’m learning to breathe again. I see the knife coming toward me and I’m afraid of it. A knife that will cut my abductor muscle. My very strength to keep what is inside unseen from anyone but God. This knife is ready to spill my guts out onto the floor.

In case you don’t know how to shuck an oyster. Here are the gruesome steps.




1. Hold onto the oyster firmly.
2. Slip the knife blade between the top and bottom shell right by the hinge. It is necessary to exert some pressure to open the oyster shell
3. Run the knife around the oyster until you get to the other side.
4. Using a twisting motion, pry the top and bottom shells apart.
5. Cut the oyster free from his shell. There is a muscle attached at the middle to both the top and bottom shells. When you cut the muscle, the shells will easily spread.
6. Then finish prying them apart and cut the oyster completely off the shells. In order to not cut up the meat, slide the knife inward, slide close against the surface of the bottom shell.

Something is going to happen shortly. What I do not see is that this is the work of the great physician, God himself, sovereign in my life. He is here to help not hurt me. Soon my only hiding place will be in Christ. I am slowly selling out. I will be more outspoken about Christ in my life more ways than one very soon. Hopefully, everyone else will see a pearl inside. I just have been rubbed raw by how many grains of sand it has taken to really notice of Christ being formed in me.

My EMO phase

I said that I’d talk about Christ more on my blog. I haven’t finished talking about myself though. I hope to find some compromise here and end this trend. I want to show you that Christ’s strength is being perfected in my weakness. I want to show His surpassing goodness toward those he loves. I am changing in some fashion for the better. This emo phase shall soon pass. I do not where I get off this roller-coaster but it is not here. I hope to be moving on from what started a month ago. At least this emo phase is giving me confidence and experience to do what I feel is difficult emotionally. I hope to retain some humility and some understanding of my depravity from it all. I hope that it makes me see Christ more. Not less.

I want the truth of these following verses to be seen, and be seen in me. It is by grace wrought by God. It is exposing the truth and letting the darkness come into the light. It is Christ being formed more completely in me.

“19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” John 3:19-20 KJV

“5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:” Colossians 3:5-10 KJV

I feel like I am in the process of putting off the old man and putting on the new man. I am in the process of doing and saying what is true. I am in the process of exposing things that I cannot hold onto any longer. I am beginning to see the new man. He is broken but he is real. He isn't what I expected. I want what is left to be Christ, but I look at the cross to see another broken man. Christ who is more broken by sin than even me. That is who I see. A man who is carrying about a body of death.

I am not comfortable with the EMO change in my character but I know it must be for now. Sin is still wishing me to stay silent on the full extent of my brokenness, the depth of my depravity. It is telling me to forget about grace and change. It is telling me lies that I cannot bare. The truth shall set me free, from my own illusory prison. I might be silent for a while longer but my confidence is growing again. I am convinced others are part of the solution. Sin is wishing for me to hold onto the darkness. I cannot hold onto it anymore than I can hold onto the light.

The Problem of Sex and Needs

Sex tends to obscure the divisions of intimacy in more complicated ways. This is seen in lust. Lust, the desire sex, may be confused with healthy desires for other forms of intimacy. The spirit and the flesh are at war with each other by setting up conflicting desires. The deceitful heart will set up lies so that one is left feeling empty and disillusioned when one tries to fulfil the need wrongly with sex and the need remains unfulfilled. Sex is not a solution. Relationships often are.

The actual needs and desires may be: closeness (physical non-sexual), anxiety/anger/boredom/tired/drained/loneliness (emotional/intellectual), idolatry (spiritual), and of course there is also real lust(sexual). The list is not short or exhastive.

The solution and virtue set up against lust in the Bible is self-control. It is not specifically pursuing chastity. That is good but it is really the natural result of self-control. As strange as it sounds, lust comes down to self-control of most of one's desires. Many people think it is just their sexual desire that needs controlling or fixing. Humans are more than just sexual creatures but sexuality is also integrated into who we are. I am just starting to see that lust is multi-faceted in origin.

Lust has a way of finding friends for a one night fling among your desires. Taking them out and having their way with em. Sexual desire alone is a much smaller beast to tame. We need to know what the other desires are in the fight before we can effectively control lust. These other repressed desires may have other outlits which we aught not neglect. Namely God and healthy relationships/friendships that we shouldn't be missing out on in the confusion.

Finally, Christ is a solution to many of the problems. He is our rightful husband. Marriage and most of its corresponding intimacy may be fulfilled in Christ. Yet, not necessarily Christ alone. I disagree with Paul's opinion on celebacy at least for myself. I personally know that I need others in my life. I believe this will include a wife in the future.

ps. I wish to return to talking about Christ on my blog. I have spent too much time thinking about myself. Far too much.

Needs

Ok, I haven't entirely stopped thinking about some of the lasts posts. My blog has gone a little EMO. Oh well! I guess that's ok for now. I am just realizing how needy I am in so many areas. I am also just realizing how confused I am about what I really want. As far as the hole in my friendships, I am just starting to understand the differences between intellectual, spiritual, emotional, physical(nonsexual), and sexual intimacy in friendships/relationships. They don't substitute for each other.

I need to see that these desires don't crossover either. No matter how much I feel they do. I need to see what I want from different relationships and interactions with people.

Vanity

Ok, these last few days, I have been staying up kind of late just contemplating different things. I have been thinking about appearances. I have been able to sleep but I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I am the same. Some of this is from my current depression/melancholy. I've been too serious. (I don't believe this is the same as thinking too deeply on serious things. I need to start small by being content in finding God's will and doing it in simple things.)

Although the main problem is not that. It is that I've been doing so many things that are out of character as of late. I need more confidence. I need to know who I am. Or who I am becoming more clearly. I feel like I am becoming a loser. I feel like I am about to sell out. What I mean by becoming a loser is having nothing left that is really my own. Nothing that is not laid bare and exposed. Nothing that is just mine wedged in as a vain lie between reality and perception. I don't want this at all but I know that Christ hid nothing, while still hiding everything. I know it is the next step to take.

I've been on a spiritual rollercoaster for a month and a 1/2. It's the longest one I've been on. I am coming to the point that I feel like I need to hit the e-brake and while wanting to hit the gas. I need more independance but I see I need others. I need to be comfortable with my own person but I need change badly, which I believe God is effecting it with others.

I still need to know if it is all necessary though. I am still quite fragile and have many fears. I am only human and I know I can be hurt very easily. I don't want to be in that position. Some fears probably are reasonable. Some fears aren't. I am afraid of burning bridges. I am afraid of the wrong impressions. And I am afraid of sin. Yet, it is all but empty vanity.

I don't envy anyone else's station in life for I am sure they have their own problems. (At one time I did envy them.) I am trying to be spiritually content in it all. I have always found it difficult. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whatever comes of this. Let it be known that it is being wrought by God. I know this is so in more than one way.

Candlelight Eve Service

I was at a united methodist church for a Christmas Eve service. Let's just say that dipping bread in wine, a female pastor giving the message and distributing communion, the high church rituals, and the present darkness were too much for me. I was not impressed. I've felt more at home in a catholic church. I don't feel like talking about it all. The Holy Spirit could use some of it, in fact He did, but there was little substance here. (One section He indicated for me to listen was about wisdom and knowledge leading the wisemen to Christ's feet.) I tuned the rest out for I could not bear it. It seemed too much like the female pastor was reading an english paper with soft spoken generalities. I did not feel right about the situation. There was too much stain glass and too much dead wood. I felt my senses were being dulled by beautiful music for them to be totally reliable. I still didn't like the situation afterward.

I reserved my right to refuse communion for the first time last night. I did so at a catholic church but that is different in my mind. I was afraid that I was being self-righteous. Maybe, either way my heart and head were not right to take it. They perhaps were right before God but not in that church. I could not consent or condone the actions of that church. I could not submit myself to commune with such. Theologically first. With the dipping of bread into wine and a female pastor. Second, its uncertain overflow into my heart. Third, I thought it to be unclean so it was unclean for me. I did not feel Christ being exalted there. I did not feel like the service benefited me.

Finally, I still could sincerely say "Merry Christmas" to the female pastor afterward. If that means anything. I am not happy about what went on last night. I don't want to think that I did my duty and went to church. For My soul did not greatly benefit. I was present but not attending.

Not Quite Right 2

Hmmm, Who would have thought that reading about God's judgment of the world, in Ezekiel, today would have help me make sense of my feelings. At least for sin in general. It seems so very odd. I have long since given up on second guessing things that seem counter-intuitive. Some people think these sections of the bible are only there to condemn. Some people think that hell or at least God's judgment is only to scare unbelievers. Far from it, everything in the Bible is meant for Christians. It is eternal. It is not so christians can self-righteously look down on those under judgment. It is so we can cast ourself in with that lot and cry "Be mercy on me a sinner." Or know that we are of that lot to fully know the extent of grace. It is so we can look to Christ and make sense of this world.
I still need to spend more time in the word.

Not Quite Right

Mood: Everything's Going to Hell but could be worse.

I've got the feeling that everything is not quite right. (I'm pretty sure its not prophetic.) It is a general feeling but it feels so specific and applicable to me. I know that all creation groans for adoption. (Romans 8) I know that everything is created by, through, and ruled by God. He is the reason/word behind it all. (John 1) I still have a nagging idea that things are not quite right. I can't escape it. Its been pulling me down today.

I know that such a truth should rather be encouraging. Christians are called from lives that are out of this world but in it. Christians should see problems with the world right now. Christ had to come; it was necessary. He had to come to make it right. The world is never perfect but I believe it aught to be. I see how far it has fallen short. The world will be changed like clothes at the comming of Christ. I need to remind myself of that and the cure for everything else till then. The gospel.

I know the problem is my functional lack of belief that creation will be redeemed and is being summed up in Christ as we speak. It is spilling overing into me basing stuff on my subjective feelings. I know that God works all things for good but that is not what I feel.

Furthermore, I feel like I should be convicted of some sin. Instead I'm convicted of sin in general in the world. I see my inability to overcome it all and the necessity for more faith. I see my own depravity and hate my own person in some ways. It is not quite condemnation but close. It is melancholy. Yet, I am not who I was even a few years ago. My condition is slowly getting better. It is not by my efforts. I know that God wills and works within me but I still feel deadly ill. I need to look out my boring stale 'hospital room' and let the light of christ shine on me. Not envy the outdoors in doing so but feel the present warmth of its rays.

I need to remind myself of truth and God's actions on my behalf. Both meditating on His providence or spending time in His word. I've been woefully lacking this and in speaking truth to my life recently.

Just Another Personality Test

My personality has changed a bit since High school. I'm not quite out of my shell though. I am still a nerd but thats ok. My perception of science has changed. Art and beauty have more value. I've become more independant. I hang with friends often. I am trying to cultivate deeper friendships with them. Finally, my intellect is more suited for analysis. You can compare this with the results if I had taken this in High school. (I took the quiz twice and post dated it to my earliest entry.)

I would not be able to relate to some of my current friends outside of Christ. I never did stuff with the high school church ministry back home. When I came to college, I merely was looking for a church not a college ministry. It is perhaps the differences in my friends that I meet through the college ministry and church that have helped me grow in appreciating others, despite how different I still feel from them at times. I am looking at how far I've come and it is mostly by God's grace. It remains to be seen how far I am going to go. I have been growing a lot recently in seeing things about relationships and friendships. Aspects and difficulties that I've never considered before and how I relate to them. Furthermore, how they relate to my walk with God.

What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Loner Loner 63% Geek 50% Drama nerd 38% Punk/Rebel 38% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 38% Goth 19% Ghetto gangsta 6% Stoner 6%

Let Darkness be Light

I was contemplating my life and even my death. These verses apply to it all. They are my favorite verses in all of Isaiah ranking up next to the ones about Christ's death. I've been on a spiritual/personal growth rollercoaster recently. I know these verses to apply and are true. I can say amen to them.

“16 I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.”
Isaiah 42:16 NASB

"2 I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
3 “I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
Isaiah 45:2-3 NASB

This is the life we live. So that all our good works are seen as wrought in God. I was deciding if I would much rather be blind and walk a straight road. Or could see and walk a crooked one. We do both at the same time in some sense. I would much rather be blind and walk by faith. It is far easier but far more trusting.

I also thought about the end of that road in my life. I was thinking of my own mortality. I was thinking about death; it appeared to be some hideous monster ready to devour any in its path. Oh, but how Death to the blind was merely an angel shepherding souls and blocking the view of the splendors of what lie beyond.

Second, there is a plundering of the wealth of the secret places. These verses, and ones like them, usually discuss idols in the immediate context. It seems that the very idols, which we break, contain the very things we offer to God in worship. The very desirable things through which we come out of this life with more than we came in. Things by which God is magnified and glorified. This brings us to how Peter looks at trials and this life.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. "
1 Peter 1:6-9 NASB

How there is such a link to God's providence in our trials, not just ones of adversity but ones of prosperity. The world is never as dangerous as when it has put on a silk glove and sweetly beacons. How our faith aught to carry over into how we live our lives as a result of all things. How our faith should continue to rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, regardless and all the more for what we go through in this life.

The totality of creation

I want this post bto e sum up the things about science. The things about God's creation.

Colossians 1:15-23 with commentary

He is the center of science for He is the very center of creation by position, by rule, and by substance in sustaining all.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

The purpose of creation revolves around christ. It revolves then around what is with Him by His father's pleasure. It revolves around what he reconciles, namely his bride, the church.

18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. 19 For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

To further confirm what is being reconciled. Paul specifically is talking about the christians he is writing to. He talks about the way and purpose of salvation. He talks about the effects and the end.

21 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, 22 yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— 23 if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

Evidence of the last post

Yeah, I almost took it down for reasons other than it being accurate. All the more reason it needs to stay up. I'm not perfect. I don't like being that open but its true.

Confession of the Hole in Friendships

I have stumbled across a few psychological sites that have pretty much described patterns in my life. Psychology is confirming my suspicions. I knew of this problem before hand. I don't normally give psychology much weight but it applies in some areas.

According to psychology, I am yearning for emotional intimacy.(Or deeper friendships.) This is from a disconnect between who I think I am, and who others think I am. And being content with a disconnect. I am not very needy but I realize that I could be if I am not careful in recognizing this idol of friends aright. I realize that this desire sets up even more conflicting ones within me. I know I am afraid of the very thing I yearn for, due to insecurities. (Psychology also says that but I know it to be true.) I'm OCD about some of my insecurities, its affecting my friendships. There are many friendships that I know I've kept superficial or even intellectually profound but never deep. Shooting the breeze with someone on what you know is not the same as making a friendship deeper. It only goes so far. It never goes far enough. You can know someone a long time without knowing them. I feel that is how I've been. I'm tired of being a one trick pony now. The barriers that keep me trapped in the circus remain even as I try and break them down.

I am facing intimacy/honesty overload as a result of the break down some of those barriers to in doing accountability with someone. We have merely acknowledge the existence of inward things like sin. We have not adquately dealt with them. I am perhaps feeling like I will have to deal with all this just tomorrow rather than with time. I do not know why but perhaps I am looking at what I want something to be rather than what it is and should be right now.

These problems present an interesting trilemma. The psychological solution is keeping it real, but it is also keeping it deep with honesty, authenticity, and communication. The two psychological solutions seem to contradict themselves. The solution to one is the cause of the other. The bad thing is that the psychological answer is close to the spiritual answer that I stumbled onto earlier. It remains that I should just plow through some of this mess amidst the unreality of my perceptions but never too far ahead. Time and being more trusting are the only solutions. That is my bind! It sucks.

Yeah, it literally sucks.


Psychology has confirmed that my wish to grow in relationships is a perceived need that has set friends up as an idol. Not necessarily in accountability but in seeking out (deeper) friendships and looking for contentment in those. It is evident by hanging out with friends and not being able to be content.(Or being bored while hanging out consistently.) I should do my own thing more often even among friends. In addition, the deepest relationship which aught to bring the most contentment is my relationship with God. I should not have need for anyone but him. Anything else is additional.

Next, accountability has run me in the other direction. It has not contributed to the first idol very much, luckily. It has put me in a place that I am fearful of opening up further (even though I am) cause I feel too invested, too exposed, and too vulnerable. Maybe some of these are innate defense mechanisms from when I was a loner. I'm not just talking about shy. I am talking about shy and shallow. They don't serve me anymore. Yet, it is not natural for me to disregard these. It requires grace. I think this grace has arrived in this season of life for me. Thanks be to God.

Another thing is at work that is closely related. Some of the very burdens/insecurities that I am holding onto are the very things that are eating me alive. Everyone has baggage that they should check at the door. I knew this all along, but I can't stand mine. It has a way of carrying over into sin also. I don't want to say more here for this is linked to the very thing I feel I cannot say. The very thing I cannot let go. My heart needs to be healed first. It slowly is. In this I'm not changing horses mid stream. I don't need psychological counciling. I need God.

God is good and he has ordained for me to run into these problems right now. I have prayed about God growing me here before. I don't quite understand his methods. I think it strange that in dealing with things going forward I must not deal with them. It is a counter-intuitive path of not trying to fixing it.

I see God's hands all over this area. I could go into details but they're convoluted. God is at work. He has taken me on a spiritual growth rollercoster for a month and a half but now I am climbing up to a drop and am a bit scared. Luckily, these issues have arisen as a result of accountability and a best friend rather than an opposite sex/dating relationship. There is a context to work through them without pain or injury to someone else. I'm very greatful for that. I already have starting working through many things that I haven't really talked about till now.