Friend to the End

I’ve just had someone prove themselves to be more than just any old friend in my life. I am very thankful for it. I have since looked around to see that there are many other people who could have been that friend if I had let them. I think I am past my super vulnerable stage in which I could have been hurt so easily opening up. I was prepared for total lose for the sake of the gospel here. I had to live that fear out by taking action. It was very real in ways you would never understand. It was very hard and I almost feel duped into it by God. There was no perceived benefit to self. There was a lot of risk to my friendships. I see that there was also risk to myself that I hadn't considered. I would have just withdrawn more deeply into my shell if I had been wounded in the whole ordeal. I still got hurt in it all but it was my entire fault for my lack of trust. I do not trust people outside of God enough. (Even with God’s prompting to do so.) Confessing sin is hard.

He was also a good friend to me because he reminded me of the gospel amidst my emotional train-wreck this morning. His stability and attitude have helped me towards God. It has helped a lot in putting things to rest. God has intended grace to be from others in this season of life. I have known this for over a month now. I had to face a darkness too great for my stoic character to handle alone. What I was facing was an insurmountable wall. You know that 'hitting both the brakes and accelerating' feeling. I kind of knew that I was headed toward a wall but I didn't want to say it. In hindsight, wisdom outside of God would have advocated more caution. I was not emotionally ready for even the best possible fallout that happened. I was barely able to deal with my emotional crap as it was with grace.

I need time to adjust to the other side of the wall. Some things got broken in the crash. I won't lie. I needed a friend to the end. Luckily, I think I have one through which I have confidence to face hell's flames. In addition, I’ve know I've been more than just a little needy recently. This friend has had to put up with it but he's only seen the surface. He'll probably be the reason that I open up after all these years though. I still need to shift my thanks for the whole situation back to God. My social defeat of humility and shame is quickly turning into a victory, worthy of praise and honor. Not on my part though for I see God's fingerprints all over it. His strength is perfected in my weakness. My strength will be perfected in quietness and trust.

I know what my next step is though. It would be good for me to expand my circle of friends, using the same trust and love that I have in Christ. What I began in the spirit, I hope not to finish in the flesh. I may not always have such a great friend outside of God to rely on in tough times. Nor should I expect for him to deal with all my emotional crap. I usually don't deal with this emotional crap myself. You are finding me in a paradoxical and counter-intuitive season in my life.