The Forest and the Trees of Science

I thought about science today as I was reading Job 38. Oh, how many want to give the short immediate answer to a question. They then think they understand things. This answer is never fully right. Science wants to answer who God is. Yet, it does so at is own peril. Its strength becomes its weakness. Let me explain something by science. You reading this very blog. You would say that this is because you are on your computer... Oh how slight that answer is.

Once upon a time sun radiated light (black body radiation) because of heated incandesent gasses from a nuclear reaction. This energy travels to earth and then is captured on a chlorophyll array in a plant's chloroplast. Two photons of energy hit this array and release electrons. The electrons jump over a bridge and are collected at the center of the array. The electrons reacts with a molecule of water. The water is split into hydrogen and oxygen. These atoms are separated across a barrier of phosopholipid molecules. The hydrogen (acidic) gradient is then used create ATP in the chloroplast. This ATP molecule gives energy to another molecule NADH? that reduces CO2 from the air. The CO2 molecule then enters the Calvin-Benson cycle. It is attached to PGAL (6 step process?) and converted into a sugar. This sugar is next polymerized by catalysts into starch or into cellulose. These molecules reside in the plant. The plant is then consumered or it dies and goes into the acidic soil. The remains undergo chemical changes but c-c bonds remain after all is through. The plant remains are turn into coal by pressure, heat, and time. The coal is then harvested from the earth and carried long distances to a power plant. The coal is burnt and Heat is given off. This heat energy is turned into pressure as a phase change liquid to gas occurs. (Steam generation.) The resultant pressure supplies force to turn a turbine mechanically. The kinetic energy of the turbine moves wires through a magnetic field. The magnetic field slows down the turbine as the mechanical energy induces an electric voltage. This current then travels along high voltage wires away from the power plant. It reaches a step down transformer that consist of two coils of wires in which another magnetic field is created and used to induce an electric voltage from one set of coils to the other. Energy is practically transmitted through thin air again! This happens once or twice to reduce the voltage so that it can be used by us. The energy then travels to an outlet in which your computer is plugged in. The computer power supply converts the AC sinusodal current to the DC linear current. The power then travels through a bunch of specially designed sets of logic gates that consist of special material properties (pn junctions of semiconductors etc). The result is that they act as chips that return answers of yes or no based on the logic of and/or. These logic operators use on and off signals consisting of this power. These signals are interpreted twice. Once into characters. Again into a language with defined functions. The computer then displays the result on your screen. You computer also gathers other signals transmitted over another set of wires powered in a similar fashion. It then displays this blog.

No one would have normally thought that this blog is powered by the very force that holds together the atom. The very forces that are imprinted onto the fabric of space-time. The power behind the logic of this science is inescapable. It is inescapably complex. It is so with seeking God by nature.

I was trying so very hard at seeking God in nature to see to what degree it was possible but to no avail. I was trying to find him with logic. I perhaps got as far back as the very fabric of space. I could not find God by wisdom of this world. No matter how hard I tried there was too much noise. I found there to be a vicious cycle of knowledge without knowledge. Wisdom without Wisdom. Oh, the foolishness of science that tries to know a simple thing does not see it is really far from simple. The ground of the complete answer is much more difficult than the cause to establish. Yet, it is equally valid as a cause.

God is almost too great for us to see. We are busy looking at things too small for Him. God is behind the smokescreen of all material things that exist and are. He is the thing that causes them to exist as they are. He spoke and they came into being. That is his power. I consider the millions of physics calculations that happen within the span of a second. What computer could calculate such. What could contain these laws and calculations without it being supported by something/someone with omniscience. God is wholy seperate here. This is part of His eternal power and attributes displayed in creation which are undeniable. It is through Him and by Him that all things were created. John 1. It is through him that they also exist for his glory.

Now, God needs to reveal himself and bring to nothing this wisdom of man. He is the world's source of wisdom. Imperfect after the fall. It cannot stand complete without Him. God need not ask us like Job to answer Him. I fear that we will not give Him the right answer if He did. What is worse is that we think we have that answer when we surely do not have any ground to stand on.

"2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? 3Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. 4Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding."

Man is caught in his own craftiness. It weaves a beautify tapestry but the ends remain unraveled. I found God later but this was not in nature. The irony is that He found me. We cannot hid from Him. He is the source of our wisdom, knowledge, and science. He is not subrational but supra-rational. He is not sub-personal but super-personal. In Him we move and have our very being. In Him we are who we are. Yet, we also in Him cry for him to have mercy upon us sinners. We are not perfect as he.

Now the impossibility of knowing God in nature is corrected by God himself. He gave believers His Spirit lest we can never know Him. Yet, The Holy Spirit is not of this creation. In part or in whole. It is by Him that my connection to God is secured. I am saved and born again. It is by Him that I find God loving. And love God in finding.

The Strength, Power and Way of Grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ""My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

I am seeing the latter part of this verse more and more. Oh, how I believed the strength of grace so much that I felt I was without it. I did not comprehend that this verse was not propping up the strength of grace. This is an easy misunderstanding. Oh, I knew how strong God's grace could be. I knew how this strength could be sufficent. I had felt this many times. Yet, his grace is just as sufficent when we don't feel it.

I knew grace was always sufficent and powerful but it was never strong enough for me. Yet, I now realize that I was confusing grace's power and strength (which is its power dwelling in us). I knew what it was to be 'without grace' and go through dark periods of faith. I see now that: We are really never without grace. We are only without its effects, which are individual graces themselves. We are without those. I doubted grace's sufficency in a sideways manner from such a confusion. I sought God about it and I felt that he refused to me grace. Multiple times with the same answer. It seemed strange. I could not escape that He was telling me No.... NO, How could He tell me No? I was spoiled by grace. It is unmerited. In truth, He had rather refused for the particular grace of having its power dwell in me to change. The grace itself remained sufficent. He reminded me of the sufficency a few times but I did not understand. I thought this to be the problem but the problem was elsewhere.

The verse that was meant to be the solution became part of the problem. I thought that because of the lack of Grace's strength. Grace in my life lacked power and by extension sufficency. This was a contradiction too great for me, so I then considered the fact that I lack grace altogether here. My assurance was rocked a few times but I was confused and dishearted about it. Remnants of past legalism also helped drive a wedge further. This tore me apart. I began picking at His providence in fighting sin in my life. Something I could not do at that time very well. I doubted God's goodness and God's timing in giving grace. I did this more than once.

I was only getting the standard answers. I was getting the answers of Job. They did not seem to help me then. I was shaking my fist at God because of my felt lack of grace. I was shaking my fist at God for not changing me. I was doubting His goodness. I was doubting His grace. I did not like His timetable. My sin was habitual and a constant source of condemnation. Yet, the occational sin of doubting his love was greater still.

The answers of Job only have helped me marginally. Of course, the gospel helped in this time with the effects but I remained without a remedy to the cause. I can now thank Him because I see wisdom in the delay. I knew of this wisdom by Job. Yet, I did not. I can now say that My ears have heard and now my eyes have seen. I am about to repent in ashes over my past actions and thoughts. I have yet to humble myself some more over this sin.

I think I am seeing that His power is meant to be perfected in our weaknesses. The power of grace becomes perfected here and its strength dwells with us. It still isn't merited by our weakness. It is grace still but this is the way that God intend for it to dwell in us. We have His word on such. We are to hold this grace in jars of clay. We can never be part of the solution. I always thought that grace is powerful and invincible. Yes, it is but grace's strength comes elsewhere. This verse shows the way of that grace as much as it shows its sufficency outside of its felt strength. Grace is to be perfected and dwell in us by our weaknesses.

If you are 'without grace' or rather its strength for it is sufficent regardless, you need to become weaker. God may even intend for you to boast about your weaknesses. I will continue to pray for power to change but now I see I need to be weaker still. I need to decrease so that He may increases. I have started to comprehend what the answer of Job means in my life. God intended that I let others share some of my burdens. He also intended that I move past my insecurities and be transparent more. In exposing sin and bring sin to the light. Not just to Him but specifically to others. He is growing me in relationships almost as much as I have wanted Him to. I just did not know how he was going to do it.

The floodgates of grace, or rather its power, have opened widely recently. Not necessarily from others, but from God also. It is from this that I can praise God in His wisdom and providence in the appearant delay. And repent in ashes over my sins in the time between. I hope that such a grace does not come to an end anytime soon. I am on the fast track of growth right now and don't want to slow down. That one sin remains in a lesser form. I still want it dead. I still need further grace. I still need less strength so that I can have more of it. I may have to boast in my weaknesses.

Confession of Insecurity

I thought that I should write about this. I know that everyone has insecurities. I am just very sensitive about my own. Some of this is vanity. Some of it is history. I was the kid on the playground that was picked on. I was called names. I was called things like 'gay', not that a kid could even be such at that age! Needless to say I was offended and hurt many times. I got into many fights in elementary school perhaps the most in my class. I had anger management problems. I don't now because I grew out of it naturally.

I was still picked on by various people all the way until high school. I had turned into a loner by then. A loner with loner friends who did loner things while sitting at a loner lunch-table. This continued until my last year of high school. This year I had some friends that I could relate to. We didn't really do much together but I felt I could at least relate to them. This was a large step forward. These people were the people that were in top of my class, but they were far from nerdy.

Now lets fast forward to my first semister of freshman year in College. I had found progressively more friends. Some were dorm rats, gamers, and fellow engineer/honors people. Some were loners but not all of them. I would hardly characterize these as deep friendships. Yet, I could hang out with them a lot.

I didn't feel these friendships were suffiecent. I was also a Christian who desired to go to a good church. I could not live outside of attending one. Yet, I was not necessarily fully decided on which church. I had made some 'friends' in a campus ministry that I could relate to in the Lord. After an unfortunate attempt at humor, I had acquired the nickname "Buttercup". The joke was on me. Oh that nickname dredged up old insecurities. It was too feminine/dainty for my tastes. I guess I gave the girls a pass on calling me it. Although, I hated the guys who called me that. I was fuming angry more than once about it. I like the church that I had found but this nickname made me consider just starting over with new friends and new people at the BCM. It hurt.

I am sure I was mean to more than just a few guys who called me that nickname. I can shrug it off now that I have true friendships established. And I am not hearing it over and over like a kid on the playground. 4+ times at single meeting. I am kind of certain that someone said something to stop it. Sorry about being mean though. I can't escape all my insecurities. I still working on some of them.

The Lord is growing me in dealing with this area of my life from what I have gathered. I am going to be my own person regardless. I can make fun of myself but I tend to be insecure when others do. I need to grow in my relationships with others. If I can't be secure in myself, luckily I know I can be secure in the Lord. In our weakness he is strong.

What is Christian Maturity?

I have recently stated that Christian Maturity is marked by communion and faith in the Gospel. The Gospel is nothing less than the actions of God/God himself. There is also unity of the spirit in Christian Maturity. There is something more than just these things. A mature christian is marked by the knowledge that He does not know God enough.

This seems to be counter-intuitive. A mature christian aught to fully know God, right? This is far from the case. Even though they know a great deal more about Him than others, in their heart and in their lives. God lives in a place that men cannot reach. He lives beyond the veil such that no man has seen God but by faith. They may have come closer but one cannot reach the sun by merely flying. Yet, Oh how I have felt like Icarus at times. God is sure to cause every knee to bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord. Christians who think they know God (as well as non-Christians who don't) at the sight of Him shall bow low and confess Him as Lord.

Mature Christianity is marked by seeking Him out further with a steadfastness that cannot be shaken. These Christians are not content with just communing with a semblance of God that exists in their minds. It is not about continually learning doctrine for such is not knowing God, but having a better picture of Him. God will always show himself to be much greater that such a picture, given that he has a canvas to work off of. These Christians desire spiritual meat to chew on. They wish to commune with the 'real' God who is seated on the throne.

It is towards the God who is incomprehensible that mature Christians must pattern their life and commune/fellowship with on increasing levels of intimacy, based on the Gospel. It is towards God that they must continually seek and long after. It is towards God that they must continually find loving and love finding. It is toward this God that they must realize that they don't/can't know Him enough. He is wholly holy. No one can be a mature christian without realizing and making a habit of seeking him out. This is what I feel is christian maturity. I believe I have yet to reach it. Maybe some day. Yet, no one can truly reach it. Luckily, there is grace to this end. God has a habit of drawing all things to himself by the actions of the Holy Ghost, by the death of the Son, and By the sovereign rule of the Father. Luckily, there is the gospel. Which pretty much says He already has in Christ. God had to do away with sin so that men could have peace with Him once again. So that men may return and be blessed by God. He gifts us the greatest thing. Himself. God is our inheritance.

Salvation and babies.

I have recently spent some time with a baby. They're interesting little people. It was from my interaction with one that this passage took on new meaning.

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing these little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

Babies have a short attention span, at least so it seems as they crawl around exploring. It is not that short, especially when they are being held. Their attention span then seems to lengthen into ages, as they stare up at you from your arms into your eyes. (A baby happened to choose me to hold him for some reason, today. I do not know why.) He sat there contently staring up into my eyes. I had no choice but to return that gaze. My choices were to cherish him, or coldly look away with indifference from such a heartfelt gaze.

It is so with the gospel. You can intently look into the face of God and his salvation, or you can look away with indifference. Now people will look away with indifference because they do not cherish what is under their nose. This is not because salvation is so very far away from everyone or they did not understand it. It is their total depravity. It is not in their heart to care for such a thing. They would not return the gaze of God. This is not an act of their will for it grows tiring to stare into a child's eyes. It is easy to look away. I know I had trouble returning that gaze in all its intensity, especially from a child to whom I have no relation. This is first an act of the heart. For God's kingdom/salvation, a heart that can scarely love God is certain to look away. It can scarcely look unless God changes the heart from stone to flesh to respond. All natural men will look away with indifference if the Christ child were to be dropped into their laps. They could not care or cherish him. They find it much too difficult of an effort.

God's care for me recently

I have felt Psalm 37 immensely recently, flowing first from Isaiah 30:19-22 and Jeremiah 29:4-14. The desires of my heart are being met as I continue in my conviction to fear and commune with God. There are many answered prayers in this last week relating to my career, my sin, and my future. I have been given peace. I am following to the left or the right at the urging of God. "This is the way, walk on it." He has sent me on a path. I am not sure on its end but it is good. I know how to walk on it by faith not by sight. Yet, I have discerned or rather have been shown what this direction is by the Holy Spirit. I see a hope and a future as its end. In all of this, its like I'm learning to breathe. I'm learning to live again. It is both easier and harder being in the hands of God.

I feel my temptations are heavier in my conscience once again. I feel much lighter in casting them off too. My feelings are no longer stuck in seeing twilight. (At least right now.) I do not see what is merely infront of me right now but things that consist of both heaven and hell; not intermixed but seperate. Temptation and grace. The measure to which He has poured out grace on me recently has yet to see an end. God is a faithful guardian over his sheep.

I have been growing like crazy since just before Anthem in it all. Anthem had only a little to do with it. Oh, how sin came full forced at me that day. Yet, my communion with God was not broken by it. It was covered by the blood of Christ. He has set me in a high place and I have assurance that I shall not fall headlong to destruction. Thanks be to God!

For the Love of God, People

For the love of God, People!!!

Using this phase today seems very close to cursing. It is used as a last resort when every other motive has failed. It is used to pull on one’s very soul to motivate it. It is as if the person using this phrase was desperate on the verge of defeat. It is as if they appealing to the very last on the list of what motivates. For many people, this is a last ditch attempt to cling at one’s soul.

It is strange that this phrase is seen as such. It stands to reason that it is of top priority to real Christian motivation. This phrase was once much higher on that list of motivators. It was once at the top. It was once the puritan’s life blood to do good works. It propped up the protestant work ethic along with the desire to glorify God. It has now become almost a relic in our language. The theology behind it is seen dated as men try to move on to bigger and better things.

The love of God being a motivator isn’t a recent invention. This is nothing less than recognizing the gospel and being moved by it. It has always been around in different degrees since Christ walked the earth. What has changed is that this idea is not common today. If a person is in pain, we tell them to toughen up. If a person is feeling down, we tell them to cheer up. If a person is unmotivated, we tell them to try harder. These things hardly motivate. They assume that the source of motivation lies somewhere within our will. It does not. We aught to try but we should not presume that we can. No Rosie, No we can't do it. Whatever you say, Frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. It is not on the man who runs or strives but it is upon God to have mercy. We are saved by grace. It should not be suprising that we are also motivated by it. That's the problem Rose. A christian cannot be motivated to work in the same way as a non-christian. One needs to consider God in it all. It is ultimately God who must help us to both will and to work. It is God himself and the love of Him that must motivate us. This is not in ourselves.

Jeremiah 13:23 "Can the Ethiopian change his skin Or the leopard his spots? Then you also can do good Who are accustomed to doing evil."

What is impossible (motivation to especially to change) with man is not impossible with God. Our works need to be seen as having been wrought by God. He must be gloried in all that we do. To him be the glory forever and ever.

How I Feel

I am held in the hands of God. I am slowly warming my wings in the rays of His grace before I fly away after emerging from my winter resting place. I've made some big decisions this week for my future. God is so much bigger than us. He is gentle with his saints but he is not lacking in strength. A picture like this actually came to mind prophetically. I don't really feel like discussing that though. I never do. I just want you to know that this is how I feel. God is good and he is worthy to be praised.

A Confession of Indecision

I have thought about Grad school. I have been judging motives. They are mixed at best. I don't like having mixed motives. This is to say that I have been indecisive. I have not tried to presume upon God though. So much so that I have forgotten all about him in some ways.

This verse has helped me immensely:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Oh, I am seeing so much truth to this statement. Oh, the Lord seared it into my heart. How did I forget it from past experiences?

I spent some time today reading its context in Jeremiah 29. It is the Babylonian exile. It was the plan to bring them out. It was miraclous in that the temple got rebuilt. They left with more than they had gone in with. They went in as slaves and left with possessions and freedom. God told the people to build their houses in exile and find that their welfare is tied to the world's. He told them not to decrease. Some of this is engaging culture. Some of it is issues within secular life. Some of this applies to salvation in general. I don't think this is a calling for me to live out secular life though for he laters calls men out of exile. (Marriage, Ministry, heaven ect.) The holy spirit is indicating that it applies to my college and career pretty thoroughly.

Yet, I am still perplexed about the ending. "I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." I am not sure if this means that my career in engineering will not be where I end up. Or my present location is not where I end up. My spirit is leaning towards the former with regards to my education. God is blessing me in certain areas. Either way, I am increasingly feeling called to put down more roots here in relationships. I am increasingly called to judge success in my endeavors outside of my classes.

The Benefits of Being Young and Single

I have had some time considering what to do with my career. I realized that I am single and young. I will have a degree in a field that is in high demand. Nothing can change that. Any decision I make about my career can't be a bad one since this remains true regardless. Furthermore, any decision that I make can't be a wrong one either because of God's sovereignty. I am not scapegoating wrong decisions. It is just that wrong ones will teach me something I would need to learn. What remains is that I make a choice that really reflects my own priorites rather than priorities that others have for me. I need to merely make a choice that God has ordained and blessed. I can thank God that It is not limited by me growing old or being tied to a new family. These things are good but I am not quite ready. Perhaps shortly I will be.

Convection and providence

I thought about combining dark chocolate and mint green tea. Mint and chocolate right... It was not the greatest combination, not enough sugar/bitter, but the resulting suspension looked interesting. The dark chocolate dissolved into small flakes/specks of cocoa. These specks slowly floated around. They persisted because they were neutrally buoyant. The specs continued to float around for over five minutes. They continued to move despite not being mixed. I watched as the brew continue to swirl. This was the convection of the liquid of the hot tea as it was cooling down.



It is interesting how this little physical phenomena is responsible for so many things. It keeps the oceans alive by moving nutrients to the surface. It keeps fish in lakes alive because the ice forms a barrier over the surface due to convection. It controls rains and winds. Convection determines seasons. It caused the food you eat to be grown. It determines even the very livelihood of people. You very life depends on the natural process called convection. Oh, how something so important is relegated to only a coffee mug. How it is made so small when its importance is so great.

The math of large convection systems and turbulence is skipped over because it is seen as trivial or because science cannot even produce a basic model of it. I feel that people do this very same thing when it comes to God when he acts in small but immeasurable ways. Cynics have always said that the devil is in the details. Oh, how they are so incredibly wrong. It is God. I know this far too well. There have been many coincidences or actions of His Spirit in my life to bring certain things about. Namely my faith in fighting doubts. I cannot deny God's sovereignty. I was drawn to it even before my theology shifted toward being reformed. People who ignore God's providence and sovereignty do so to their harm. They take it as a natural process only to ignore it without cause. Science may attempt to describe God but it cannot even on its most basic level.

Science could never arrive at an answer of 42. Yet, it is too blind to even try. It is too blind to tell what 42 means. It is too blind to see that the reason for everything is the incarnate word. The very word through who and by whom all things were created. The word by which all things exist and are supported in existance. This singular reason is christ and him crucified. The very world exists for Christ; it does not exist for us to be sovereign gods of our own. Puppetry... Certainly not. His absolute sovereignty and redemption through Christ is more like convection. A natural process necessary for life. A natural process which will cause the world to bear fruit to the glory of God. He also has made it easy to forget. Not out of deception but due to its very nature. The universe shouts that God exists. It is just because men don't see it rightly. They trade the truth for idols. The real things that are unknown, are things covered by a veil lest we look up into heaven and perish under the weight of God's holiness and judgment. There is grace here too.

Let God's secrets remain hidden for eternity's eyes.
Let us not question his will or even try.
Let God work in ways that no one knows.
Let its beauty blossom like the unfolding of a rose.

Vanity vs Reality Poem.

-This is the favorite poem that I have written. I thought I'd post it over here-

Should nothing less than Christ be spoken;
Our watch shall be broken.
Swiftly lust and sin will enter in
And our carnal minds darken.

Should our faith rest just on mental frames
To truth it will defame.
Soon this faith would sure and true dissolve
Complete with righteous blame.

Yet should the desires of the heart
Be met by unknown art.
Quickly, Satan would soon devise
Lies to tear our souls apart.

Now let us throw aside the weights that hinder
To embrace the Lord's sweet surrender.
This world is but empty vanity.
Let us find God's love sweet and tender.

For, Christ has bore sins in our stead.
He has taken the lead.
Never was there a chance of defeat.
Victoriously unbroken as a bruised reed.

Christ has saved his people fully.
He bled and died truly.
Come back to your home ye wayward sheep
Of whom he loves eternally.

Should Christ return this very hour.
He shall come in his mighty power.
Jesus shall descend from on high
As mercy rains down a shower.

What if we were all caught up tonight?
Would judgment be a welcomed sight?
Should heaven's veil be pulled away,
Christ shall shine so bright.

Come forth! Quicken without delay.
Christ will clothed his wife today
Our trust so constant shall deliver
And the trumpets shall call the saints away.

Lesser things: Alcohol and Idols

Now, it seems strange for me to post about this on my blog. I shall get to it after my story. I bought my first alcohol today. It was a slight curiosity but also with an intent to cook with it. I like cooking. I bought a Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. It is an Australian White wine that has sharp citrus notes and a dry aftertaste. (I can't stand Chardonnay.) I perhaps cooked 1/2 of the wine (as I intended) and drank the rest from a 750ml bottle. I had a very slight buzz for like 30 minutes. I made a chicken & vegetable dish in a white wine sauce. (It was almost a concotion.) This was served over noodles. The Pinot Grigio was a little more acidic than I thought it would be. I was expecting a heavier olivy taste with less acid but got an acidic clean white. My impressions from prior experience are that acidic Wines seems to be balanced out by Cheese (smoothness against tannin/acid) and mustard (astringency). So I added these ingredients to the sauce. I would rate the overall success of the taste to be a 7. The wine itself tasted a 9/10, relative to my wine prefernce. Yet, the scale for wine itself ranges 0-5/10 verse everything else.



Lets start by saying. I understand alcohol. I have an idea where buzzed ends and drunk begins. Alcohol first slows your senses. Your reactions are delayed. Your mind starts to slow down as it gets harder for your mind to process what you see/think. You begin to have a visual delay much like when you're dizzy from spinning around in circles. You know you are not quite fully there at this point. You are much more clumsy or at least feel it. Yet, drunk begins when slowly you lose control of your body and your thoughts.

When buzzed or drunk, inhibitions go away but convictions generally remain the same. If you desire something, less things will stop you from following through. Eventually not even reason stops you. Luckily, your body is too impared at the point. If you don't desire it, you will not have such a desire bother you. Ok, I have brought all this up to discuss what it means with respect to spirituality.

It is my contention that drunkeness and alcohol do not limit spirituality. They rather take hold of it. It cages the heart like a bird rather than sets the heart free. From here, one's heart is prodded by the devil. Sin is conceived much more easily. Alcohol stops one from running away. All sorts of Idols are allowed to reign unrestrained in one's heart. You can be sure they existed prior but the mind kept them at bay. Excitement from a sports game lasts longer as it takes you longer to fully realize what happened during a play. It takes longer to realize that it may be fun but it is not Godward. Alcohol can set you off on the wrong way. You can't get back easily because you are also limited to a one tract mind. It can scarely help you back to God. Things that displace God do so fully with alcohol. I don't recommend drinking.

I see this a little when buzzed. I am sure it gets progressively worse when becoming drunk. Idols then have free reign then in your heart. This becomes much worse when you become addicted. Alcohol becomes an idol itself then. It may lighten the heart but to what end. Vanity? Drink, be merry for tomorrow you die. Let us find our Joy in God. Alcohol will hinder us. Yet, this becomes more true when considering what evils are unleashed by Alcohol, which are already in our hearts. Let us keep a mind to ask for grace when our hearts are prone to go astray like sheep. Alcohol is a dry wasteland in a wet marsh. It is not an oasis in the desert. Let us skip past this curiousity. Let us not be drawn close by its pull. Let us go on to greater things. Namely God. I don't plan on cooking with alcohol again. I don't plan on buying any more any time soon. I can see its allure but I shall not be filled with its idolatry. I will continue to drink it from time to time but hopefully not out of want or desire.

New and excellent way

I have the impression that God seems to have plans for me but I don't know what they are fully. Or rather how I aught to get there. Transparency is part of it. I believe He has a new and excellent way forward in my life. A calling toward a certain end.

It is something that is related to my career/job. I think I am gifted for such by grace now or will be shortly but I pray for faith to pursue it. Whatever it might be. I don't know what I aught to say about it. It is related either to my Christian Fiction post or it is related to the direction of my career to easily include a wife and a family. Especially overcoming sin to that end. I don't know what else to say about it.

I tried seeking God today about it. He only seemed to echo this idea about a 'new and excellent way.' I am dealing with some important decisions soon. He has given me some peace about it so far. I am going forward with my plans but I don't want to presume upon God. I will do such and such tomorrow if God allows. This is beyond the spiritual gifts/graces that I have been given. It is rather the uses. It involves some form of outporing of love/blessing in what I am going to do but I do not know what that is. Career or family. Maybe both. It seems to be strictly career but this does not seem set in stone. I need to seek God further about this.

Character III

I liked talking to Josh at Care group about my spiritual growth over the last year. Or at least His perception of it in my life. I see my growth happening much earlier than he has seen. His perception seems to go hand and hand with my openess about myself. I am sure some of my spiritual growth was hidden from view. It was hidden under a lamp stand. Few people know my inner spiritual life. I am going to let more people in on the secret. Being smart lets one skirt answers without revealing much. Seriousness keeps the conversation at times merely theological. It is from here that it was easy to not be misleading but keep what one wishes to reveal about themself limited. Only to deal with things rather than issues. God is showing my necessity for transparency. I hope humility follows it.

Ephesians 3

11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. 14 For this reason it says,
“Awake, sleeper,
And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”


Who will awaken and arise with me to see Christ shine in his brilliance? Let the morning brighten as the clouds depart.

I might plan on doing accountability with someone. I think it would be helpful now more than ever. God is still at work to change me. This is the newest thing to reveal. He is also at work in dealing with my lusts but that is more complicated. It has tried my patience always. Especially when trying to rely upon grace. If that means anything to you all.

Character II

I bet you didn't know that I was a hopeless romantic.
I bet you didn't know I am good judge of art as well as science.
I bet you didn't know I can let people walk over me to avoid conflict as long as they don't start a fight. If they do, I finish it.
I bet you didn't know that I see things out of my heart as much as I see them out of my head.
I bet you didn't know I resent any responsibilty that I don't choose to take on.
I bet you didn't know I have anxiety at times but never when I should in the big stuff.
I bet you didn't know I can be impulsive.
(Until you see I am a pyro who does Napoleon dynamite dance moves)
Finally, I bet some of my friends don't know I'm very religious.
Oh how I want to tell the world some of these things about myself. I need grace to this end. That is the facade I'm faced with. Let the light shine brillantly when I have no computer or paper to hide behind.

Character

This is an interesting point in my life because I see potential in my character. This is to say that I see my own independance at being who I am and my insecurities at being such. I see my potential to correct some of those insecurites and refute others. Especially in areas that I have neglected. Anthem was the straw that showed it. It broke the camel's back.

Yet, it is at a cost. New forms of sin are entering my life especially vanity. It was always there but it is not like before. In some ways, I stopped caring about appearances around friends but in other ways I do all the more. I always had a grave seriousness about my personality. I am finding that some of this was a facade. In fairness, it had even me fooled. Yet, calling it a facade does not do it justice. It was a different mindset that was not concerned with inviting people into my life. I hope to do this more. It is not quite the same as shyness. It is more about being willing to disclose more of oneself rather than needing to be asked the right questions. And being slight with answers. I think this is part of it. Or at least the solution. I will have to get back to you on that.

Next, what is strange is immaturity has returned from some unknown place. I was never immature before. NEVER. I am more immature now than in high school. IMAGINE THAT!! I'm baffled but not surprised at the deceitfulness of sin. I hope to figure this out. Change is difficult but it is for my good. Here is my resigned INTJ Personality broken down further.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Orderliness |||||||||||| 43% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63% Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Artistic |||||||||||||| 56% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Hedonism |||||| 23% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||| 30% Adventurousness |||||||||| 36% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||| 16% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||| 56% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 63% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||| 23% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||| 16% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex || 10% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||| 16% Vanity || 10% Hypersensitivity || 10% Indie |||||||||| 36%

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