Confessions of a Reformed Baptist

Pride and Prejudice

2009-01-25T19:25:00.000-08:00

I feel that I have pride that arises against authors I should agree with. It is a prejudice towards those I should find a lot of common ground. I have higher expectations of authors than what should be warranted. I form these expectation on the basis of their name and reputation. Some people pump up authors to. This does not help me. My mind easily sees them fall and I end up seeking further disagreements. I do not envy their position though but do become uncharitable. I read a book with an expectation of the author rather than the expectation that God will meet me. And reveal Himself to me.

I am trying to be earnest here. There is something about being earnest. I feel I should let go of this and be gone with the wind by seeking the spirit. I need to say to my expectations Who is Paul, Who is Apollos, and of course say to Scarlet; Frankly my Dear, I don't give a damn.

The Pace of Life

2008-12-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

I've been a little slow writing as of late. Yet, I am still growing in the Lord. I am busy growing up. I am not the same anymore because of grace. The pace of life for me has been set by God. This is a recap of God's growth in my life.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/character-iii.html
The start of a lot of things. Just confessing my sin to a friend and pursing humility, fellowship, empathy, and care has done wonders as a means of grace. It is because the Lord has blessed it for this self-sufficient, sufficiently sinful loner.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/new-and-excellent-way.html
Very Prophetic. I have to confess some unbelief at the time of writing this post on the amazing things God has done with respect sin and preparing me for marriage. I am almost there. This serves as a monument. I remember editing out some of the more spectacular thoughts I had during this post. They seemed too wonderful. Too good to be true. I had some problems with sin that ran deeper than the sea. Luckily, the sea fits in the hollow of God's hand. Why did I doubt God in such? Perhaps its a greater sin.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/11/gods-care-for-me-recently.html
This speaks to God's Clarity and care in the beginning a really long process. His continued clarity sits within the post's scriptural promises. (At least for this season.) It was his prophetic care. He declared many things beforehand so that I, an obstinate person, would see His Glory and say it was not my hand that has brought these things to past. I am still in that process a year later. It has proved true as long as there is trust in God, opposed to trust in that which is merely psychological or my own analysis, things are great.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/let-darkness-be-light.html This post was right before 2 people died in my church. The pastor had to conduct his first few funerals. Coincidence or Not? It confirms I am where the Lord has me. I had several other incidences like this for the next few weeks. Everything got preempted by the Holy Spirit. No sermon convicted me because God convicted me the night before for 2 months. I was at a crossroads here to.

http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2007/12/needs-2.html
http://dmac2000.blogspot.com/2008/11/spiritual-blindness.html
This is what has been working itself out as far as sin. I had forgotten about writing this when I did. I never realized this was SO very true, at least for me.

http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=22795418&searchType=ALL&page=0
I am still stuck here. I am still learning to care for people. Right now my empathy is still very particular, especially towards my best friend. I pray for that to grow outward just as my other new emotions have.

The difference between judgmentalism and discernment

2008-12-07T16:54:00.001-08:00

Without love its only a hair's width.

God moves

2008-12-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

-William Cowper-

Contending with my own Berean Spirit

2008-11-11T03:34:00.000-08:00

I am having issues with my own willingness to submit, or rather support, teachings I don't see as biblical. I am eager to learn but I don't always agree, especially when it comes to the doctrines regarding that authority. I don't think it is spiritual pride because it is never an issue submitting when I am wrong. It only is an issue when I am right and know that I am right.

Spiritual pride exists without reference to right or wrong though. It exists without reference one being in authority vs. not. It has a more organic source. It exists in reference to humility in being right or wrong, even for leaders. I still have not learned to balance or understand this berean aspect. I find I have disagreements and cannot always be on board for teaching or being teachable since I have formed conclusions.

Let us reason together though, it is not sin. I don't want to be critical for the sake of being critical but I do want to test and hold fast to that which is good.

This shows most drastically in my understanding of ecclesialogy and community. It has started to cause a little bit of sin but the sin isn't in disagreeing and making it known. I see problems in areas like the right use of sacrements (mostly resolved), Worship, covenant theology within the sacrements, lack of a care structure among certain ministries, the support of courtship vs. its reality, and the top-down view of submission without grass roots accountability. (I want a presby.) This last one causes pride to become an issue when I am told to submit to church leaders. Or that leaders submit themselves. Or I must submission to anything. It gets colored in the wrong light of the world and the authoritarian nature that the world places on submission.

Only God is the Lord of my conscience. I can only submit as I see that it is towards the Lord, as those leaders follow the Lord. What do I do when I don't see that though. I am not always in a place to see it either. We all, pastors included, are afflicted by differing degrees of spiritual blindness. Yet, the body of Christ isn't a giant tongue and giant ear either. I guess the only thing I owe towards leaders is love, humility, and an eagerness to test my conviction when I disagree on particulars, not submission against my conscience. Those are the only bonds I have to cultivate.

Spiritual blindness

2008-11-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

Its a funny thing being blind. I feel I have just got over a long stretch of it. I was blind emotional and spiritually to the truth behind a sin. I sat in that sin for 7 years as a christian before things started to change at the beginning of this year. Looking back I don't think I could have even fought that sin as I aught. I will take none of the 1 Cor 10 crap on it. I could not resist it in my heart. I am not going to be a pharisee and say oh... it's ok. It's still sin. There is no Arminian idea of grace where God supported me such that I had to decide myself if I would sin and could thus resist. That is blatently false. Yet, I am what I am. Even if that means I am responsible but unable to change.

Now for 1 Cor 10. I believe it only talks to unbelief and idolatry. It does not talk to the moment but only to the inevitablity of change as well as the impossiblity of apostacy. God is still in the process of opening eyes even for christians. I see things that were once lying in darkness as it become midday in my heart. My sin was beyond the deceitfulness of most hearts and most sins. It eluded discovery until God highlighted the solution. I've been searching for the question though. What I should have asked about my sin that I didn't. It was 180 degrees from what I expected. God is so kind and so gracious that I am left to repent in ashes.

Personality Probs

2008-10-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

I was a little bored. I decided to see what psychology had to say about me lacking some of the necessary emotions. Or not feeling them properly. Especially in feeling loneliness as boredom. Affection as weak sense of harmony and not the fuzzy wuzzies. It was an interesting endeavour. I found out that I would be a sociopath if I was obsessed with winning, chronic lying, and manipulating people. A grade A serial killer perhaps?. Or a serial rapist? There are some anti-social problems I deal with. They are going away but it seems I have a lot of the traits of someone whose is/was schizoid. Some of it is changing now. I don't think I have overt self-sufficiency and sense of superiority stuff within the definition of it.

I wonder how God will finally fix everything. Not if. He already has been. It seems that some of this is related to sin and my deceptive/corrupted heart. I hope I hope to kill it and have it replaced by true empathy for others.

It is finished!

2008-10-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

Christ said "It is finished." What did He mean by it? Did He mean His ministry? Did He mean His life? Did He mean His atonement? Did it mean a great deal of things? Or did it mean all of these things. It seems so unclear to what extent things were finished. I think people often overlook the full meaning of this phrase. It is much more absolute.

"It is finished" comes from one Greek word. "tetelestai". It means everything is complete, perfect, accomplished in full. The consequences will endure. It has come to an end. The word also was used the same way we use "paid in full." Christ has paid our debt completely. There is no contractual obligation left to the law. Yet, the word in its most appropriate sense can be found in the context of the section. Tetelestai is used twice. John 19:28. The parallel should seen "After this, when Jesus knew that all things were now completed, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled, he said, ‘I thirst.'"

His last obligation was towards scripture. In asking for a drink. It is thus according to the eternal word of scripture that all is complete. Nothing else is said to be so complete not even Creation itself.

Love at First Sight

2008-09-19T10:55:00.001-07:00

If I was blind and somehow God healed my eyes to see...
And I also believe in love at first sight...

How could I not be a Calvinist?

Tribute to John Cage

2008-07-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

... ... ...

Saturate by Telecast

2008-07-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

Dwelling on the days gone by
All of this wasted time
Why do I wait just to talk with You?

Burn away all the lies, inside
Remind me where You reside, this time
I will remain in You

I won't be satisfied
Until I've laid my eyes on You
I will abide in You
I won't be satisfied
Until You're all that comes through
Until I'm saturated with You

Feelings come and feelings go
Don't care, just want to know
You more and more every moment

There are days that are dark, and I'm scared
Days I just fall apart, but You're there
I will remain in You

And I will hold to You
In a world that's so confused
Jesus, I love You
Saturate me with You

Growing up like a tree planted by streams of water

2008-07-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I am becoming more sanctified. I don't want to boast. It is not my doing. Oh, how I wish to root out the idols that I attribute it to other than God. I want to root out the one that thinks my best friend has helped in some fashion, rather than God doing it all. I may bring forth fruit but I also feel this branch cannot naturally. I would be a barren tree without God.

God has restored my soul from its drought. He has grafted me into christ. I now sit near pleasant waters. Now Satan has changed his tactic. He wishes to wash away the gains in a deluge. My heart struggles. I wish that my heart rested on God alone but it has not. It has wandered greatly. I am a wretched sinner. It is not lust right now but oh... I wish it were that simple. I am caught up in my own idolatrous passions. I was blindsided by these last two entangling sins. Satan has merely shown more of his hand. God shall overcome my sin and faith shall overcome the world. I shall continue to grow up like a tree planted by streams of water. This is because of God's good pleasure not my efforts.

Self-absorption

2008-05-26T15:41:00.000-07:00

Self-absorption is turning inward to deal with or avoid pain. It is a large sin or rather a tendancy that strengthen's sin power.

I have researched self-absorption. It is very complicated. Many people would believe that being self-absorption is only arrogance or vanity. I disagree. Someone can be humble, serving in a soup kitchen, and all the while being self-absorbed. People can be proud and vain in their confession or in their doing good. Self-absorption is an indirect pride that pulls people inward and turns them inside out. It is inherent in all men and all sin.

First, all sin turns people's attention from God toward themselves. God rightly says that sin comes from men's darkened minds in Romans 1. Self-absorption here seperates one from God into one's self. Placing emphasis on self is ultimately idolatry.

Second, self absorption when confronted with suffering in others make it the opposite of empathy. One will only care for themself. It is opposed to love here to. Love does not seek its own.

Third, self-absorption causes resilience to pain. (So is it good?) This seems strange but there was a psychological study that stated people who were self-absorped did better after 9-11 than others. Furthermore, I tend to accept this psychological insight. God's holiness can be painful to me so people run from such pain. They run from God. These kind of people need to be hurt more over there sin, not less. They need their hearts opened to God. People turn inward when condemned but not convicted.

Fourth, the Holy Spirit must sever any self-absorption. He is given the work of convicting the world of sin and of righteousness by the Word. It is the Word which is offensive. It cuts sharply. It will bring Godly pain to bring one to repentance.

Fifth, one must repent of themself in many sins. Repentance is turning from sin and switching sides. It means switching from your selfish side to God's.

Sixth, Self-absorption is closely related to self-sufficiency. It is the inward focus of this outward problem. It is closing one's heart toward God.

Things are going my (God's) way.

2008-05-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am in one of those periods where God has been abundantly gracious to me. He has given me joy and the desires of my heart for godliness. He is kind and I see that His timing is right. I feel that God has withheld certain things from me. These things are very good but at the same time. I can only say that they are good because of God's actions on my behalf. It is now that I see His wisdom. The very wisdom I rejected because I had not seen such great things. I would not be able to enjoy things normal people take for granted without God. It has left a certain hole in my chest. Straight to my heart. God easily breaks in every morning. The older and more mature I become as a Christian the fewer defenses I have to seeing God's goodness. My heart breaks more often not less. He has continued to expose my heart to Himself and the sorrow and joys of His holiness. I wish not to be one who shrinks back in fear or unbelief.

He makes me cry often but usually in a good way. Yes, I cry because of Him. I can't say that I would cry so much for other things. This is a reminder of grace. It is a reminder of God. It is His goodness given to me, past and present. It is His faithfulness that endures beyond my own failures. I can only expect this undeserved grace to continue. I can only expect Him to be as gracious as He has been. God doesn't change. His ways don't change.

I pray that my will may fall more and more in line with His will day by day. Not my will be done but yours, Oh Lord. But I do pray that it goes well with me. That it is agreeable when it does not need to be otherwise. That it is painful only when it creates godliness in me and dependancy on you.

I have a new job, a new car, new great roomates, and pain is going away. I have the ability to enjoy them to. This is from God. Yet, these all mean nothing. They are but icing on the cake. I value the grace from God the most when it comes to fighting sin. I value His wisdom. I value God himself and I am at a loss of words to thank Him.

Friends and Idols 2

2008-04-11T17:57:00.000-07:00

It seems I've turned self-sufficient over the last month. I didn't realize because I felt really humble asking friends for help. I was relying on my friends, more than myself and more than God, to help me figure out some of emotional stuff. I am at a lack to understand my heart now more than ever. It is deceitful above all things. My friends couldn't help me much. I couldn't help myself much. Every single idea of my own seemed to fail. Its time for God's way again.

It is clear that only God can illuminate the darkest parts of my heart. Only he can bring conviction with His Word. Only, He can split apart the soul and spirit, bones and marrow. I am at war with pronouns in describing His work in my life so far. I see I have been constantly stealing glory without realizing it. I am back to trying to get my faith in His promises and in His help back . Yet, God is the one who will give that. I cannot rightly call it my faith. Cause it is not my own. He has done a lot in my sinful life already. He will do a lot more that I don't deserve it. I am at a loss to describe all that he has been doing as far as sin go. Especially in areas like lust, friends, and idols.

Shadow Boxing

2008-04-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

It seems these days I am fighting my shadow. I am fighting sin that I think is there but has not made itself known. I know the heart is deceitful above all things. I want to pursue it to the root but it is costly to me. I have lost a godward focus for fighting my sin because it is in remission. Like a deadly cancer it can come back. I need to relearn that the spirit is the one who has to illuminate that dark sin and fight all those tendancies too deep in my soul. I see my sin as a shadow. Its always there with me but I can't seem to reach it on my own. I could try but...

I'll end up looking flipping ridiculuous trying killing my shadow by choking myself. Talking, asking, and looking up to people can't help me figure out my emotional confusion in multiple areas. I'll be isolating myself from those who might be smart enough to tell me the truth if things remain the same. I need to know that the son needs to rise up in my heart till it is high noon. Say Goodbye Shadow. I will not have to try to box then.

Confession of No Expectations

2008-03-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, there is a spring break trip coming up for me. Fortunately, God has been working overtime in my life recently. This has slowed down for my good. Too much drama but its ok for now. The 4 1/2 month rollarcoaster has ended in a good spot. There have been several weeks that have felt better than past spring break trips to the beach with my church. Everything in my life is slowly falling into place. Nothing is left out.

With this said, I really don't have any expectations about what will be going on for this spring break trip. Furthermore, I also don't believe anything can be blown out of the water by it in comparison to past events. So I am left with no expectations. Nothing that God isn't already doing. It is bugging me. I don't know what I should expect. I've been to 3 of these things before. I already know that I will invest in some relationships. I know that I will have times of undistracted devotion. Yet, it won't glorify God in meeting these low expectations alone. That makes me a little sad. It is as though I do not know how to pray about it. God is too great for such.

Friends and Idolatry

2008-03-08T11:03:00.001-08:00

What is interesting though is I have the ability to enjoy friends much more. As well as being discontent with em. I am very optimistic about this point in life. Yet, there is two ends that this can be done. Godward or selfishly. I think one way will be to make more sacrifices in myself and magnify God more often for it.

I will be pursuing love brotherly and otherwise. I really need to expand that outward more and more.

Confession of Friends Being Idols

2008-03-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

Ok, its pretty much true now. I can feel that it is getting in the way of me worshipping God. Nothing should do that. I am sitting here very discontent. Yeah, practically crying. People shouldn't have that kind of power over me or my moods. I am afraid that I will be discontent living alone. I am afraid that I will feel like I have no friends.

Ok, the deal is that I've let an important housing decision go by. It is out of my hands and all I can do is wait. I am close to being critical of others for being indecisive. I use to be the king at that; that is hypocrisy. Essentially, I feel I have waited far too long on the best decision. Now, the good and safe one is almost gone. I think I will be left with crap its a 50/50 dice role. We'll see how it all turns out.

Confession of absolute supernaturalism.

2008-02-29T22:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, I believe everything is completely supernatural. I believe that God's hand supports the universe completely by the power of His word. I believe nothing is outside His grasp. I believe that salvation is entirely supernatural as well. That is to say our salvation has no causes but God.

One might object saying that our will is a cause to. I ask whether our will is a natural function of creation or not? It arises from our minds, so I see it as entirely natural. It remains under the curse of original sin. It has been corrupted by the fall. How can something that we are supposed to be saved from keep us from being saved. We need to be saved from outside ourselves.

Baseing our wills on some power in a past supernatural act like creation does not remove supernaturalism or prove naturalism. The only way our minds could be something other than natural is if God gave them power to be independant of just creation. Free will? Perhaps but God would have to give us our own cause and own power. We would have to be supernatural beings ourselves not dependant on him for our being, or the thoughts of self that also compose our consciousness as a being. It smacks with too much pride. God is not sitting on his hands. He is not silent on this issue. It would be different if God exhalted our ability to be free and out of that freedom choose what is right in the Gospel. He rather exhalts Himself, what he has done, and rejoices over us despite our chains. It is clear that I believe it is all of God. I believe entirely in supernaturalism. A supernaturalism also known as Calvinism.

Spiritual rollarcoaster

2008-02-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

Ok I have been on a spiritual rollarcoaster since around October 1. Give or take a week.

In September, I was convicted in not fearing God enough. Yet, I feel that and the follow up was me getting aboard a train that wasn't stopping. I saw that it did not matter how many church events I went to. Grace did not come by that way. It rather came from God. Despite sin unloading on me, I focused my efforts on communion with him.

October 1-12 (before anthem) I was not letting my communion with God get rocked by anything. I almost had a panic attack prior to a test. It was kind of bad walking up at 5:30 feeling like crap in the morning. I sent the anxiety away with ruthless efficiency after about an hour. It would not keep me from God. There was no reason for me to fell that bad in light of what God has done. I was on a high when I went into Anthem.

Anthem- I didn't really benefit in anyway way that I can discern. Seriously! I just let sin pile up. So much so that I couldn't deny it. I was bewildered by my own immaturity. I wasn't trying to hide it. I really don't know what it was on that day. I REALLY DON'T KNOW!!! God's restraining grace had ceased for a time. I think Nathan was a bad influence on me. Rather God intended for inward sins to come out and for me be open about it towards my friends. It may have helped spark the conversation I was too chicken to start later. It also showed me the need for accountability again.

October 12-30
My faith felt like John Paul Jones in saying "I have not yet begun to fight", while looking around only to see that my ship is sinking and on fire. Only to know: silly christian, you aught to be able to walk on water. There was also grace for further openess/transparency in this time. Some was from meeting someone new who I thought was like me but much more open. (Turned out not to be all that true.) Another part was that I felt like I needed to get things off my shoulders.

November 1-20
My blog turned prophetic when it was discussing my character posts. (I think but I'll check for certain that it wasn't self-fulfilling.) The spiritual growth picks up as I start talking on AIM with a good friend about grad school and my anxiety revolving around my career and indecisiveness. It was an answer to prayer regarding direction in my life also. This is the way walk in it. The details of the conversation are fading now but it was a reminder of God's plan in my life for my good. It was also a reminder of my station and responsibilities at this point in life. It also provided a means of grace through doing accountability with this person. I entered a season that I'm still in. Grace from God is from my interactions with others. Not specifically the conversations but the interactions themselves. This still has continued to this day. There was a week or two better than a VQ in here also.

November 20-December 10
Accountability started give some depth to a friendship of mine and I slowly started to fear it. I don't know why but I did. I had an issue with wanting deeper friendships but not wanting to invest anymore. I felt too vulnerable and too exposed. I had a 'Oh crap there is a brick wall ahead.' I didn't know what that wall was till a bit later.

December 10-December 30.
Well I still had that feeling of a brick wall ahead but I felt that I knew what it was. It was not long before feeling that I had to confess some things that I never wished to. I was throwing darts around it. I was depressed and getting more depressed. Still growing but wasn't satisfied with the status quo. It was at this point the Lord started to push me in letting God. I prepared to talk about a certain sin in accountability. I didn't want in that much detail but I felt I had to. I burned the first notes. I was physically stressed by it. I felt that I didn't have to talk about it. The stress went away but when that happened. I took another stab at it with all my anxieties and insecurities. Then prepared a third set of notes. I began to feel like a different person. Maybe it was more confidence.

January 5
D-day/Week. Yeah. It was complete emotional destruction in confessing. Not just a little it was complete. Basket case bad. I entered a beyond super vulnerable stage. Luckily, I had a friend that remained such. I only did it cause my arm was being twisted by the holy spirit. I was confronted with take up your cross, rich man parable, suffering for doing good, hating the world, and giving up all things for Christ to make the confession. I was not emotionally ready for the best outcome, which happened.

January 6,7,8
Emotional confusion followed by mistrusting my friend. I let that mistrust go because I realized that it was God's will. He was the one cracking my shell once and for all. God's care was felt continually from this day at least until February.

January 15
Things started to return to normal in fact better than normal. It has remained like that since. I was more joyous but I was still emotionally unstable. I felt inadequate overall and hurting. I felt God's care so much more in it though. It was better and worse than a VQ. I still think it was probably better despite suffering. Suffering that helped me understand the cross better.

January 19
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I made a second confession of that sin with relative ease. Anxiety was fought before and but it still hurt emotionally. Other strange emotions began showing up around here too. Like feeling affectionate. Never really was like that, and honestly didn't know why people were until then. Had dependancy issues in seeking my happiness in friends. (The other extreme of shutting them out.) I didn't like it so I took a break from hanging out with my best friend for no/selfish reasons.

February 3
Third confession. 2for1 deal on vanity. God's care and strength were still very clear in it all. The Holy Spirit had been pre-empting every VFC or Church message since early January. (like 8 in a row! Strange!) There was no condemnation where there aught to have been. I was boasting in my weaknesses as well as resting in quietness and confidence for strength. The next confession hurt emotionally again. Curled up in fetal position afterward. This was the last confession that would carry any weight. I saw growth in it for it was necessary pain. The fourth one was a joke. hahaha.

February 24
Wanted off the spiritual rollercoaster. Things slowly have returned to normal after additional drama. I'm having to deal with a friends drama. We switched roles now lol. He has the drama. I have a bunch of school work that I've been distracted from. Had to deal with normal social expectations that most people deal with in High school. Never had a best friend before. I think I am off this coaster. Its been good. I really want to focus somewhere else now. Not on myself. (Maybe that the real continuation of it. Too early to tell.) I know that to pick it up again where I left it though. I would need to start doing the evangelism go-team stuff.

Suffering of a friend

2008-02-28T21:39:00.001-08:00

I think I have a friend who is about to go through some suffering. I don't think it is just related to the fact he can't go to VQ cause of dentist issues. It is something greater. (Just a prophetic thought.) I don't think he reads my blog enough. Maybe he does. Hahaha. I can think of possiblities but I don't think that they do this justice. I think pre-concieved notions are bad for this kind of thing. I'll help in any way I can.

Confession of Oversensivity 2

2008-02-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

It seems that the last confession was a bit premature. That emotion has slowly subsided into a heightened sense of belonging among friends. The feeling was triggered by acceptance. I guess there was too much self-hatred. Too much insecurity. I don't think it was feeling inadequate for I didn't value enough people in that way. There were too many walls up that I didn't know existed. I think that it is some repressed part that has come out while opening up. I think I still am oversensitive to that but the issue is different now. It was from being a loner in Middle School and High school and at least part of college. I was emotionally superficial and intellectually profound running in circles and didn't know it.

I feel like I am being shown 1 Corinthians 12:30-13:2 as far as things go though. It is related to opening up. Love does far exceed the gifts as a constant force (and as an emotion to a lesser degree) but I still find myself lacking it at times. At first it was because I was always too serious. I was too self-absorbed caring about myself and my sin. I feared opening up to anyone. I feared being hurt as I had been before. Things are slowly unraveling in a good way.

C. S. Lewis biography

2008-02-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

I had to write this for a short video but I thought I'd put it up here prior to some edits.

Clive Staples Lewis was born in Belfast, Ireland, on November 29, 1898. He was schooled by private tutors until his mother died of cancer in 1908. Shortly after, he then attended Wynyard school in Watford. It was a traumatizing experience. The school was shut down and the headmaster admitted shortly after into an insane asylum. He continued his studies and at the age of 15 entered Malvern College. Malvern college was filled with people’s who soul purpose was to improve their social status run amuck with homosexuality, It is there that he renounced his Christian faith and became an atheist. He was very angry at God for seemingly not existing. His darkened mind shifted towards mythology, the occult and Celtic mysticism.

He then pursued his studies away from Malvern College with a family friend.
His life was put on hold as WWI rocked the world. C.S Lewis answered the call. He enlisted in the Brittish Army as an officer. He arrived at French trenches, the front line, on his 19th birthday. He served for a five months until he was wounded during the battle of Arras. He suffered serious depression as he recovered from the wound. He was reassigned and discharged a year later. He resumed his studies at Oxford earning many awards. He felt out of place in it all for he was far from home.

He fulfilled a promise to look after a dead comrade’s mother, Jane Moore. They became very close friends. She, in a sense, became his adopted mother as he continued at Oxford. His studies had led C. S. Lewis became permanent author and an academic. He ran into J. R. R. Tolkien and they became friends. His studies of literature soon took him towards Christianity. Christian literature confronted him with something he had never seen before. It was holiness. He began to be drawn towards Christianity in 1929 by believing that there was a God. It would be two years later before he became a Christian, kicking and screaming. He started to see that Christianity was not about chores or duties. It was about heart and holiness. His main argument against Christianity had always been “Had God designed the world, it would not be a world so frail and faulty as we see.” He failed to realize that Christ was the solution to it all. Christ took on this very same frailty, by bearing our sins upon the cross, so that the world may live. His life was not necessarily easier afterward for he suffered through marrying his wife, Joy Davidman Gresham, who was dieing of cancer. His health gradually declined as Lewis continued to write at Oxford. Yet, C.S Lewis was surprised by Joy in it all. He finally died of renal failure on the same day as JFK’s assassination. November 22, 1963.

Bumbling a confession

2008-02-19T19:02:00.000-08:00

Just think about how embarrased you would be saying something and the other person hears: the end, the middle, and then the beginning of a confession. I didn't realize till afterward thats what probably happened. It was probably what should have happened.

Now I am very luckily. My vanity was soon changed to humility. I bumbled my confession up because it got cut up by an answering machine.

You know that you can confess a sin out of vanity rather than humility. Such an action with a wrong motive is sin. I was almost guilty of that but God has a way of using our screw ups.

Fighting Anxiety

2008-02-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

Fighting anxiety is not any fun. I'm busy doing it. I am just reminding my self of the gospel for the umteenth time. Well now the umteenth plus one times. The very broken frame that is hurting, man, is that which our God incarnated to dwell in. He was like us in every way, every pain and every temptation. He had to bear so much more sin than I. He had to bear it all. He had to bear all that wraith. I don't know how one man could. The very broken man that I am is the very same type of man that got utterly destroyed in Christ. I cannot rightly feel that pain. The pain due to my own sin. This world is not right or fair. I sit here feeling sorry for myself for something I've stumbled into and something I need to do. But I shouldn't. Luckily, Christ can bear my burdens. I can cast on him my cares.

I am busy just chilling, listening to music. I am busy praying that it would all go away. I have been reminded of Phillipians 4 that I should be rejoicing. That I should make my prayers known with thanksgiving. God's peace should surpass all my comprehension. I have felt that peace before. I want to get back to that place of mercy and grace.

Euphoric Hypomania

2008-02-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think that is somewhat related to my oversensitivity. Lust has moved into my emotions to. This emotional state of Euphoric Hypomania isn't a constant thing. They are emotions and feelings to be repent of.

I just had a case of something that I thought was good but turned out not to be. It's nice to feel great but not when its your focus and your trying to go to sleep. This positive state is turned slowly into being negative/mixed state of being irritated and not being able to do anything about it. The cause was focusing on the euphoric feeling triggered from other people. This focus on the feeling was itself a trigger that also produced the feeling. Is that good? No, it ended up being to captiaving . My mind raced to relive it rather than to quiet itself. Emotional intraspection caused the problem here. It hasn't been an issue elsewhere. It gave me a low grade mania for me last night. I don't understand it all. I've been emotionally confused as of late. Sorry...

Mania, the opposite of depression. Sound good? No, it is also the opposite of tranquility and calmness. I don't consider myself bipolar but I've never had that kind of emotional state before. I just really wanted to sleep.

Confession of Oversensitivity

2008-02-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

Ok, it should be clear by now that I am probably oversensitive emotionally. Not to criticism though only in a few emotions. They have been dulled before in the past but it seems i've let them go free.

They have been put off and neglected, as much as I could, for I was an insecure person. I was the kid who would get angry on a whim. I was the kid who would cry for an hour without knowing, or forgetting why. These things have gone away with age. Yet, there is still one or two things I'm overly sensitive about. First, it is vainity and my reputation. I'm trying to kill that.

The second thing is to love and to friendship. It is a recent change. This is kind of strange cause I was a loner. Yet now, I have a best friend who can send me into a state of estatic joy pretty quickly. I just kind of shut down in bliss. I'm kind of embarassed about it. Maybe its some kind of mania. I have stayed up because of it tonight. It has also begun happening toward God recently. It is an interesting new emotion. Maybe its temporary. It isn't all bad though. I never valued friends before. I now understand that I don't have the social skills to make use of this powerful emotion on a wider scale. Maybe its suppose to make me develope them.

Bearing Each Others Burdens

2008-02-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

I've watched Band of Brothers today. It was a large downer at points. It did not glorify war or the army. It showed me how everyone gets wounded by sin, pain, and death. These wounds are not just physical. They are also emotional. These wounds are from the staples of living in a fallen world. We are shielded from it cause we are far too comfortable in our homes. We are too caught up in civilian pursuits. Yet, life is war. We are at war with the Devil and the sons of disobedience. No one will come away from the battles unscathed. No one is left unhurt by the world.

I understand what being emotionally wounded means by things of this world. I've been emotionally wounded by sin, over and over. I was wounded by being teased and made insecure in grade school. It turned me inward and into a stoic. I am now finding that a few of my emotions had died. These emotions are returning. In fact, some of these emotions for me are new. They help me color the world instead of seeing just black and white. I understand it all so much better. I've let my wound fester for too long out of pride. I'm not going to follow some self-help crap about it though. Whatever care I receive is going to be God's care and the care of my brothers in Christ. Let us learn to bear each other's burdens. Let us learn to pick each other up and carry men back across the line to Christ who is the great physician of us all. He is the only one who can heal. Luckily, I have true friends who would not shoot the wounded like some are accustom to doing for people who are in my position. For that, I am eternally greatful. Those who would shoot the wounded walk as enemies of the cross.

Following God's Cure and Following Conviction

2008-02-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm busy following God's cure. It is following conviction. I will be lead through difficult circumstances but I know that God is right beside me. He is gentle and he is kind. Right now I feel like he is allowing me to put off something I need to do because he knows I'm not in the right mind or the right heart to do it yet. It is kind of him. I know it isn't an indefinate thing but it is the right thing for now. I'll grow strong in the mean time.

There are still a bunch of steps that I need to take before I reach the end of the road I'm following. I thought this step was one I wanted to take tonight but it isn't. At least I know what these steps are. I did not really see it clearly. Or rather feel the direction for things to go. This is all being done on faith. It will end the day that it isn't.

Hating all Patriots

2008-02-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm glad that the Giants won the Superbowl. Some might ask why? I hate the patriots... A better question is what have the Patriots done to me? Nothing. Its just the perception of things shady going in their direction. It is things like underhanded filming. It is bad calls by refs and wins by special teams. Nothing else makes them win games. They are an average team. (Last season more so than this season). It is perhaps their arrogance the greatest reason I hate them.

Now, this hatred has been ingrained into me by my friends. I don't know why I hate the patriots so. They are so inconsequential to everything that is important. A friend told me that crabs in a bucket don't need a lid cause they are always clawing down the ones at the top. Yet, outside observers like the underdogs just because they wish the man on top to fall. It is perhaps people's willingness to shoot the wounded if there is but an ounce of pride in their heart. Oh, how I hate pride but I feel more and more that I need to kill it in myself first. I need to glorify God more and shift all honor to Him.

Confession of Dumping

2008-02-02T12:52:00.001-08:00

I appologize if I've bored any readers. My articles have become an emotional dumping ground. I've kind of emotionally dumped on my blog recently. I'm sorry. I hope that it should change soon. Its been part of God's work in my life though. I am a much better and adjusted person because of it. I don't plan on following this trend forever.

Pre-emptive Providence

2008-01-31T20:14:00.000-08:00

It seems that God, the Holy Spirit has been busy pre-empting whatever I am about to learn at church or in the college ministry I attend in my convictions. I don't know why but its happened several times now. I don't know if it is because He does not want me to be condemned by it or what the deal is. I'm not complaining. It has been strange. It has happened several times now. Maybe He is busy giving my sin a one two punch. I don't know. I get stuff out of the messages but I've already dealt with half of the problem it seems. I really don't know why. Perhaps you know.

Humility of God in Creation.

2008-01-26T18:15:00.000-08:00

People are willing to structure their belief that God created because he primarily wanted to glorify himself. This is true but what is lacking is the idea that He also rules creation with humility. It is from this humility that he bestows honor on others rather than Himself. It is so tied to his gracious nature that people fail to realise that God is humble also. Notice it is Christ who is washing feet our feet. This present world will not understand that humility. Or why the humble will be the first in heaven.

Christ has condescended to our level. This is shown most clearly in the incarnation and cruxificition of Christ not merely in washing feet. Why should it be thought of as strange if this aspect of humility and deferance is a virtue in God character's. It is in a Christians. Humility moves God to rule creation as He does, just as much as the of love of His own attribute. Seeking Glory seems to make it impossible for God to be humble. It makes it all the more possible. God is self-suffiecent. Yes, its true but seeking any need of glory in us is relieved by the fact that He continually defers His honor until others are raptured up into it completely. It never completely returns to Him either. The fact that He is able to infinitely redeem creatures means that He has infinitely exhaulted us to infinitely try pay Him back in eternity. What an unlucky lot this is. We shall forever be sweetly indebted to God. It is out of God's excess of His own glory rather than His need. He gains glory from of condescending to our level. Yet, this is merely a side effect of His humility. God is too big to escape the additional honor and glory he gathers in doing so. Let us look at that humility.

First, there is humility in the trinity. Each person is subjected to each other. They are entirely humble within themselves in their deferance of Honor and Glory to each other. Christ is an easy example of humility. Yet, the Father also displays humility by giving all powers of judgment to Christ. The Father's did not seek His own glory in carrying out salvation either or ending creation. The Son did not seek His own glory in keeping believers or applying His salvation. Christ went to the Father to send the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit follows the sovereign plan of the Father and doles out the grace bought by the Son. Yet, the Holy Spirit, far from being the least among the trinity, extends this glory and honor to believers by being their pledge, preserver, and aid in times of trouble. The glory and honor of God is only magnified in these acts. It is intrinisic to God himself. Yet, it is also outside of Him by the fact that He bestows whatever gained He on others in Christ.

The Trinity as a whole ends up glorifying believers for God loved them before the foundation of the world. We are drawn into that eternal love of God and exhaulted by it. It is the lack of self interest mixed with absolute interest on God's side. Yet, God's glory is not so small that it cannot be shared in part or rather reflected by others. This was the end of creation. God rightly places the extrensic part, if there be any, of His glory in others so He can love it. It is His nature to be gracious. God runs into the problem of gaining more glory and honor in the process for which He defers and delights in defering. It all but establishes himself with more. He is a fountain and the source of Glory. From which, He has blessed us with every good word and spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. Eternity will prompt us to try and return the favor. Oh, how humility of our perfect beings will demand that we do so. It will be a sad day for the proud.

Selfish Love and Care

2008-01-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

I think there needs to be a clarification on Christian hedonism, love, and dependency on God.

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

It clearly says that love does not seek its own. Sometimes it is impossible to divorce self-interest from love. Many try but it does not readily happen. John Piper's Desiring God clearly explains that not separating the two is ok with respect to God. He talks abstractly about means and ends but does not go far enough and say that selfish love and selfish doing good with respect to others is rarely ok.. The emotional (usually hormonal) dependancy that gives rise to a seeking of happiness outside of God which can come and go. The object of that love is usually not constant. This is not always love either but some kind of dependency in which we need someone else to be happy. Idolatry perhaps? This external source of happiness should be God for He will never disappoint. We must not confuse this problem with real christian devotion in caring for others either. It causes real problems when it is not centered on God.

Lets first discuss all kinds of selfish love. (It is not really love but dependancy to meet one's own needs in someone else.) It causes problems with a lot of relationships. People become controlling or people become needy. People somehow involve in the other's life. People somehow care or receive care for inappropriately. People care for addicts by feeding their adictions. People care for sinners by feeding them everything but what they really need to hear. These people place their happiness on things external. This hides easily within the christian message but it is sinful.

People can care for others to care for others rather than serving God through others. Some value the care of others when they really should value God's care through others. Our minds our darkened by nature to this truth. There is some illusionary aspect that can even outstrip reality of what is really needed. People still continue to do these things for their own needs to be satisfied though. They are ends in and of themselves. They are not the means that God intended to be glorified by. Such actions cannot be fit for worshipping God.

John Piper shows that self-interest can be God-centered and God-glorifying. This desire can draw one into the depths of God. (One desires to become closer with God and thus draws him nearer.) There is value in caring about the concerns of God. Namely his glory but this is not love. It is close but entirely independant. Luckily, it is not mutually exclusive to; real love can develop in the depths of this attraction.

Matyrdom is listed as something that can be a selfish act done without love in Corinthians 13. It seems strange for it looks like it might be its ultimate expression of love. Christ was essentially matyred. There is no greater love than him who lays down his life for a friend right? Yes and no. The difference is Christ did it entirely for others in purpose as well as effect. He did not consider himself in the act. He did not fill His own needs. Let us always examine that if we wish to see what our care aught to look like. Our love and self-interest can only be in God and his plan. If happiness in one's life comes from something external like a relationship, let that relationship be with God. God will never disappoint, so it does not matter.

Yet, it is not true love. Love does not seek its own. It develops with time after all our needs are met. Let those needs be met in God so you can serve others. This is the effect of the gospel. Our greatest need has been met. Love becomes forged not in caring for others burdens or being cared for greatly but by gladly sharing in the overflow and comfort we have from God. Our service eventually become nothing but an overflow of grace and care towards others. It is not that we loved God first but rather he loved us. We are drawn to that because we are needy creatures. It is from that real love and a real relationship is established that meets the needs of others without return.

Pathetic

2008-01-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

I’ve recently confessed the starts of sin sin to a friend. I thought that this sin made me rather pathetic. In a strange twist of irony, he has problems with a similar sin. Not the same but similar. I’ve got to thinking that we are all a bunch of pathetic sinners. There’s no cure. There’s no hope. We’re just pathetic. We can’t get around that. We can’t dictate our own moods. We find too much satisfaction in things where we aught not to. We can’t relate right to each other. We fall over our own needs when we look to find happiness outside ourselves. We can’t relate to God rightly either because of it. We are fallen. We are selfish. We are pathetic and we need help. We need God. How pathetic is that. Very.

Unreality and Reality

2008-01-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've had to deal with the unreality of reality and the reality of unreality. It may be hard to understand how I'm feeling.
-The problem is the cross seems so unreal but it is the ultimate reality.
-Our sin seems so real but has no substance outside of the good it corrupts.
-Our lives with indwelling sin seem so unreal and real.

The way I feel is unreal like something is in motion. There is something not quite at equilibrium anymore and I can't believe it. For better or for worse, it feels like condemnation. Oh, how it would clear up this unreality issue if it was. I hope it isn't more of the same. Its a pain that doesn't go away fully with the cross. Joy exists beside it. I'd like to think it is the starts of repentance. Or Godly sorrow. I've never felt it like this exactly before. Time will tell what this emotion and pain is.

There is one thing that I feel like I'm failing at in it all. I'm closer and further from God. I need to take the opportunity to take it deeper with Him. I'm not taking the opportunity to glorify God more for His actions. And even more for His being.

Confession of Confessing

2008-01-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

Why is it that it is so much easier to confess sin a second time than it is to confess it the first time? I don't get it. I actually felt relieved and comfortable the second time. I went away feeling encouraged. The first time I went away mistrustful and an emotional train wreck for 2 days. This is after hitting the gas to fly into the wall the week before. I went away emotionally destroyed then. Crying, stressed, mistrustful, and relieved all at once. I was never quite right for two weeks. Still not but I don't know if i'll ever be. There is still too much unreality in it all, that I actually talked. Twice now. It was a double dose of humility. I don't know how to feel about it all now. My heart is fickle. I don't feel like making it a habit to confess this one sin over and over. It was good to do it twice.

Roots

2008-01-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, perhaps I will be disappointing some people by sticking around. I've made the conscious decision to go to graduate school at Tennessee if at all possible. Otherwise, I will get a job in Knoxville. I desire to stay. I really need to. There is stuff behind the scenes that people wouldn't understand. Some might say that I'm just putting my career on hold or that I am wasting my potential. I'm going to disappoint people with my decision. I am not going to try to please them. I'm only going to explain myself to a select few.

Everyone else is just going to have to get over it. I'm still young. I want to be about to make any choice I want. Even if it turns out wrong. I want to seek my welfare here. I want to grow in Godliness here. I don't necessarily care if its easy. I think I could be happy even working at McDonald's for a time, here. Its not about money. It never was for me. I don't think I can ever be just a career person. I know that God can be glorified in a secular career. (That is not in doubt.) I just don't know if he wishes me to pursue this career further in another place. It's a good career and I am willing to pursue my opportunities. I have two main reason graduate school would be good for me. Maturing/growing up and closer relationships. Not the best reasons but it now appears that I'll probably be mature enough for a job. I also have closer relationships and I'd hate to go now. The very things that draw me to grad school are the very things now that are making it less appealing. I'm not indecisive. My desires have just changed. It is in God's hands now. I have to seek God some more tomorrow on it.

I've consciously not turned in any other application outside of UT. I didn't like west virginia when I went there to snowboard. I know that I've close the door to opportunities that I haven't looked at. They would have little appeal anyway for I don't feel I would be happy. I'll reject them all cause I know something else others don't know in my life. Grace is from others in this season of life. I've found it here too. I'm coming out of my shell and I haven't really seen the depth of all my relationships pan out yet. After 3 1/2 years of college, maybe I'm finally getting it all in this last month or so. Finally, I becoming a bit more social and I see opening up as a necessity not just a small option.

I can't very well just give up on that. I must make my decision base on what is in me now. It says stay and cultivate friendships. I will find my strength in quietness and trust in God. Trust that God has a plan. I wish to remain here, a little while longer. I don't plan for it to be indefinite.

Friend to the End

2008-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

I’ve just had someone prove themselves to be more than just any old friend in my life. I am very thankful for it. I have since looked around to see that there are many other people who could have been that friend if I had let them. I think I am past my super vulnerable stage in which I could have been hurt so easily opening up. I was prepared for total lose for the sake of the gospel here. I had to live that fear out by taking action. It was very real in ways you would never understand. It was very hard and I almost feel duped into it by God. There was no perceived benefit to self. There was a lot of risk to my friendships. I see that there was also risk to myself that I hadn't considered. I would have just withdrawn more deeply into my shell if I had been wounded in the whole ordeal. I still got hurt in it all but it was my entire fault for my lack of trust. I do not trust people outside of God enough. (Even with God’s prompting to do so.) Confessing sin is hard.

He was also a good friend to me because he reminded me of the gospel amidst my emotional train-wreck this morning. His stability and attitude have helped me towards God. It has helped a lot in putting things to rest. God has intended grace to be from others in this season of life. I have known this for over a month now. I had to face a darkness too great for my stoic character to handle alone. What I was facing was an insurmountable wall. You know that 'hitting both the brakes and accelerating' feeling. I kind of knew that I was headed toward a wall but I didn't want to say it. In hindsight, wisdom outside of God would have advocated more caution. I was not emotionally ready for even the best possible fallout that happened. I was barely able to deal with my emotional crap as it was with grace.

I need time to adjust to the other side of the wall. Some things got broken in the crash. I won't lie. I needed a friend to the end. Luckily, I think I have one through which I have confidence to face hell's flames. In addition, I’ve know I've been more than just a little needy recently. This friend has had to put up with it but he's only seen the surface. He'll probably be the reason that I open up after all these years though. I still need to shift my thanks for the whole situation back to God. My social defeat of humility and shame is quickly turning into a victory, worthy of praise and honor. Not on my part though for I see God's fingerprints all over it. His strength is perfected in my weakness. My strength will be perfected in quietness and trust.

I know what my next step is though. It would be good for me to expand my circle of friends, using the same trust and love that I have in Christ. What I began in the spirit, I hope not to finish in the flesh. I may not always have such a great friend outside of God to rely on in tough times. Nor should I expect for him to deal with all my emotional crap. I usually don't deal with this emotional crap myself. You are finding me in a paradoxical and counter-intuitive season in my life.

Hope in circumstances

2008-01-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

I see some hope in my circumstances. Maybe that is because I'm growing up (after some arrested developement) and getting past my problems. I still have to connect this new self to God's providence in my mind because he has been really active recently. It is a hope that needs to be further rooted into the Gospel and Christ. He is the steadfast anchor of my soul. I cannot deny that. It is not that I loved God but that he loved me first.

My Insecurities are vanishing quickly and I don't know why. Well... it is because of God and I'm in the way. My anxiety has decreased about different things within the last year. My anxieties still need to decrease further when it comes to shyness and evangelism. I am a little more proactive but it needs more growth.

I need to be the very friend that I didn't have for the longest time to people. That's by telling them the gospel and giving them God. I need to be the very person that understands sin and depravity, just to send people off the way that has hurt me so much. I need to be the very person that understand's the fear of God, he is feared because he forgives. I need to persuade others of that fear.

God has more than stepped up to deal with me as my father and as my friend. He afflicted me with a lack of grace for a time but it was for my good. He has now poured it out. It isn't easier now but I have grace to help with the difficulties. It is much better to be blind and walk straight than to stumble along a difficult path with sight. It is much better to walk by faith.

Quiet Trust and Confidence.

2008-01-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

I have been growing like crazy emotionally and in understanding social relationships but I have a weak link in my chain.

[15 For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel,"In returning(repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." But you were unwilling,] Isaiah 30:15

This whole chapter became more alive to me recently. Not just the part about God guiding me. I feel like I am moving into another promise as far as finding my strength. The last one was boasting in my weaknesses. I will do it more if it be necessary. I have scratched below the surface layer and it unsettled me emotionally for two days after I boasted in such. I was probably unsettled for almost a week prior preparing to do that. I lost sleep needlessly for two weeks of my life. I am not happy about that. It was not due to that sin I confessed but to another duo. Vanity and mistrust.

It exposed something else at work in my heart. Or something that is lacking. I've started working on it. It seems strange. I have recently found that I only fully trust God, after grace. I don't always trust myself. I don't fully trust friends even with multiple testimonies by God to do so. It has changed now in one instance with a close friend. God showed me that it was unbelief to not trust a friend if I believed it was His will to do so.

I don't know how to go forward as clearly on this one but God will begin to show me more soon. I need to be content to rest in my hospital room till I get better. I need God to change me. I hope to be willing but it is difficult. Another dose of humility might be in order to for me. Just to push me back into quietness.

Coming out as an oyster

2008-01-02T16:48:00.001-08:00

I’m coming out of my shell slowly and surely. (Actually it feels kind of fast.) The best analogy of how I feel in this emo phase is like an oyster. You may not see it but I am. I am like the oyster whose shell is opening. I’m learning to breathe again. I see the knife coming toward me and I’m afraid of it. A knife that will cut my abductor muscle. My very strength to keep what is inside unseen from anyone but God. This knife is ready to spill my guts out onto the floor.

In case you don’t know how to shuck an oyster. Here are the gruesome steps.

1. Hold onto the oyster firmly.
2. Slip the knife blade between the top and bottom shell right by the hinge. It is necessary to exert some pressure to open the oyster shell
3. Run the knife around the oyster until you get to the other side.
4. Using a twisting motion, pry the top and bottom shells apart.
5. Cut the oyster free from his shell. There is a muscle attached at the middle to both the top and bottom shells. When you cut the muscle, the shells will easily spread.
6. Then finish prying them apart and cut the oyster completely off the shells. In order to not cut up the meat, slide the knife inward, slide close against the surface of the bottom shell.

Something is going to happen shortly. What I do not see is that this is the work of the great physician, God himself, sovereign in my life. He is here to help not hurt me. Soon my only hiding place will be in Christ. I am slowly selling out. I will be more outspoken about Christ in my life more ways than one very soon. Hopefully, everyone else will see a pearl inside. I just have been rubbed raw by how many grains of sand it has taken to really notice of Christ being formed in me.

My EMO phase

2007-12-27T22:17:00.001-08:00

I said that I’d talk about Christ more on my blog. I haven’t finished talking about myself though. I hope to find some compromise here and end this trend. I want to show you that Christ’s strength is being perfected in my weakness. I want to show His surpassing goodness toward those he loves. I am changing in some fashion for the better. This emo phase shall soon pass. I do not where I get off this roller-coaster but it is not here. I hope to be moving on from what started a month ago. At least this emo phase is giving me confidence and experience to do what I feel is difficult emotionally. I hope to retain some humility and some understanding of my depravity from it all. I hope that it makes me see Christ more. Not less.

I want the truth of these following verses to be seen, and be seen in me. It is by grace wrought by God. It is exposing the truth and letting the darkness come into the light. It is Christ being formed more completely in me.

“19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. 20For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. 21But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.” John 3:19-20 KJV

“5 Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: 6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience: 7 In the which ye also walked some time, when ye lived in them. 8 But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. 9 Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; 10And have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of him that created him:” Colossians 3:5-10 KJV

I feel like I am in the process of putting off the old man and putting on the new man. I am in the process of doing and saying what is true. I am in the process of exposing things that I cannot hold onto any longer. I am beginning to see the new man. He is broken but he is real. He isn't what I expected. I want what is left to be Christ, but I look at the cross to see another broken man. Christ who is more broken by sin than even me. That is who I see. A man who is carrying about a body of death.

I am not comfortable with the EMO change in my character but I know it must be for now. Sin is still wishing me to stay silent on the full extent of my brokenness, the depth of my depravity. It is telling me to forget about grace and change. It is telling me lies that I cannot bare. The truth shall set me free, from my own illusory prison. I might be silent for a while longer but my confidence is growing again. I am convinced others are part of the solution. Sin is wishing for me to hold onto the darkness. I cannot hold onto it anymore than I can hold onto the light.

The Problem of Sex and Needs

2007-12-27T09:36:00.000-08:00

Sex tends to obscure the divisions of intimacy in more complicated ways. This is seen in lust. Lust, the desire sex, may be confused with healthy desires for other forms of intimacy. The spirit and the flesh are at war with each other by setting up conflicting desires. The deceitful heart will set up lies so that one is left feeling empty and disillusioned when one tries to fulfil the need wrongly with sex and the need remains unfulfilled. Sex is not a solution. Relationships often are.

The actual needs and desires may be: closeness (physical non-sexual), anxiety/anger/boredom/tired/drained/loneliness (emotional/intellectual), idolatry (spiritual), and of course there is also real lust(sexual). The list is not short or exhastive.

The solution and virtue set up against lust in the Bible is self-control. It is not specifically pursuing chastity. That is good but it is really the natural result of self-control. As strange as it sounds, lust comes down to self-control of most of one's desires. Many people think it is just their sexual desire that needs controlling or fixing. Humans are more than just sexual creatures but sexuality is also integrated into who we are. I am just starting to see that lust is multi-faceted in origin.

Lust has a way of finding friends for a one night fling among your desires. Taking them out and having their way with em. Sexual desire alone is a much smaller beast to tame. We need to know what the other desires are in the fight before we can effectively control lust. These other repressed desires may have other outlits which we aught not neglect. Namely God and healthy relationships/friendships that we shouldn't be missing out on in the confusion.

Finally, Christ is a solution to many of the problems. He is our rightful husband. Marriage and most of its corresponding intimacy may be fulfilled in Christ. Yet, not necessarily Christ alone. I disagree with Paul's opinion on celebacy at least for myself. I personally know that I need others in my life. I believe this will include a wife in the future.

ps. I wish to return to talking about Christ on my blog. I have spent too much time thinking about myself. Far too much.

Needs

2007-12-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, I haven't entirely stopped thinking about some of the lasts posts. My blog has gone a little EMO. Oh well! I guess that's ok for now. I am just realizing how needy I am in so many areas. I am also just realizing how confused I am about what I really want. As far as the hole in my friendships, I am just starting to understand the differences between intellectual, spiritual, emotional, physical(nonsexual), and sexual intimacy in friendships/relationships. They don't substitute for each other.

I need to see that these desires don't crossover either. No matter how much I feel they do. I need to see what I want from different relationships and interactions with people.

Vanity

2007-12-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, these last few days, I have been staying up kind of late just contemplating different things. I have been thinking about appearances. I have been able to sleep but I haven't been comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I am the same. Some of this is from my current depression/melancholy. I've been too serious. (I don't believe this is the same as thinking too deeply on serious things. I need to start small by being content in finding God's will and doing it in simple things.)

Although the main problem is not that. It is that I've been doing so many things that are out of character as of late. I need more confidence. I need to know who I am. Or who I am becoming more clearly. I feel like I am becoming a loser. I feel like I am about to sell out. What I mean by becoming a loser is having nothing left that is really my own. Nothing that is not laid bare and exposed. Nothing that is just mine wedged in as a vain lie between reality and perception. I don't want this at all but I know that Christ hid nothing, while still hiding everything. I know it is the next step to take.

I've been on a spiritual rollercoaster for a month and a 1/2. It's the longest one I've been on. I am coming to the point that I feel like I need to hit the e-brake and while wanting to hit the gas. I need more independance but I see I need others. I need to be comfortable with my own person but I need change badly, which I believe God is effecting it with others.

I still need to know if it is all necessary though. I am still quite fragile and have many fears. I am only human and I know I can be hurt very easily. I don't want to be in that position. Some fears probably are reasonable. Some fears aren't. I am afraid of burning bridges. I am afraid of the wrong impressions. And I am afraid of sin. Yet, it is all but empty vanity.

I don't envy anyone else's station in life for I am sure they have their own problems. (At one time I did envy them.) I am trying to be spiritually content in it all. I have always found it difficult. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Whatever comes of this. Let it be known that it is being wrought by God. I know this is so in more than one way.

Candlelight Eve Service

2007-12-25T07:36:00.001-08:00

I was at a united methodist church for a Christmas Eve service. Let's just say that dipping bread in wine, a female pastor giving the message and distributing communion, the high church rituals, and the present darkness were too much for me. I was not impressed. I've felt more at home in a catholic church. I don't feel like talking about it all. The Holy Spirit could use some of it, in fact He did, but there was little substance here. (One section He indicated for me to listen was about wisdom and knowledge leading the wisemen to Christ's feet.) I tuned the rest out for I could not bear it. It seemed too much like the female pastor was reading an english paper with soft spoken generalities. I did not feel right about the situation. There was too much stain glass and too much dead wood. I felt my senses were being dulled by beautiful music for them to be totally reliable. I still didn't like the situation afterward.

I reserved my right to refuse communion for the first time last night. I did so at a catholic church but that is different in my mind. I was afraid that I was being self-righteous. Maybe, either way my heart and head were not right to take it. They perhaps were right before God but not in that church. I could not consent or condone the actions of that church. I could not submit myself to commune with such. Theologically first. With the dipping of bread into wine and a female pastor. Second, its uncertain overflow into my heart. Third, I thought it to be unclean so it was unclean for me. I did not feel Christ being exalted there. I did not feel like the service benefited me.

Finally, I still could sincerely say "Merry Christmas" to the female pastor afterward. If that means anything. I am not happy about what went on last night. I don't want to think that I did my duty and went to church. For My soul did not greatly benefit. I was present but not attending.

Not Quite Right 2

2007-12-21T18:07:00.001-08:00

Hmmm, Who would have thought that reading about God's judgment of the world, in Ezekiel, today would have help me make sense of my feelings. At least for sin in general. It seems so very odd. I have long since given up on second guessing things that seem counter-intuitive. Some people think these sections of the bible are only there to condemn. Some people think that hell or at least God's judgment is only to scare unbelievers. Far from it, everything in the Bible is meant for Christians. It is eternal. It is not so christians can self-righteously look down on those under judgment. It is so we can cast ourself in with that lot and cry "Be mercy on me a sinner." Or know that we are of that lot to fully know the extent of grace. It is so we can look to Christ and make sense of this world.
I still need to spend more time in the word.

Not Quite Right

2007-12-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

Mood: Everything's Going to Hell but could be worse.

I've got the feeling that everything is not quite right. (I'm pretty sure its not prophetic.) It is a general feeling but it feels so specific and applicable to me. I know that all creation groans for adoption. (Romans 8) I know that everything is created by, through, and ruled by God. He is the reason/word behind it all. (John 1) I still have a nagging idea that things are not quite right. I can't escape it. Its been pulling me down today.

I know that such a truth should rather be encouraging. Christians are called from lives that are out of this world but in it. Christians should see problems with the world right now. Christ had to come; it was necessary. He had to come to make it right. The world is never perfect but I believe it aught to be. I see how far it has fallen short. The world will be changed like clothes at the comming of Christ. I need to remind myself of that and the cure for everything else till then. The gospel.

I know the problem is my functional lack of belief that creation will be redeemed and is being summed up in Christ as we speak. It is spilling overing into me basing stuff on my subjective feelings. I know that God works all things for good but that is not what I feel.

Furthermore, I feel like I should be convicted of some sin. Instead I'm convicted of sin in general in the world. I see my inability to overcome it all and the necessity for more faith. I see my own depravity and hate my own person in some ways. It is not quite condemnation but close. It is melancholy. Yet, I am not who I was even a few years ago. My condition is slowly getting better. It is not by my efforts. I know that God wills and works within me but I still feel deadly ill. I need to look out my boring stale 'hospital room' and let the light of christ shine on me. Not envy the outdoors in doing so but feel the present warmth of its rays.

I need to remind myself of truth and God's actions on my behalf. Both meditating on His providence or spending time in His word. I've been woefully lacking this and in speaking truth to my life recently.

Just Another Personality Test

2007-12-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

My personality has changed a bit since High school. I'm not quite out of my shell though. I am still a nerd but thats ok. My perception of science has changed. Art and beauty have more value. I've become more independant. I hang with friends often. I am trying to cultivate deeper friendships with them. Finally, my intellect is more suited for analysis. You can compare this with the results if I had taken this in High school. (I took the quiz twice and post dated it to my earliest entry.)

I would not be able to relate to some of my current friends outside of Christ. I never did stuff with the high school church ministry back home. When I came to college, I merely was looking for a church not a college ministry. It is perhaps the differences in my friends that I meet through the college ministry and church that have helped me grow in appreciating others, despite how different I still feel from them at times. I am looking at how far I've come and it is mostly by God's grace. It remains to be seen how far I am going to go. I have been growing a lot recently in seeing things about relationships and friendships. Aspects and difficulties that I've never considered before and how I relate to them. Furthermore, how they relate to my walk with God.

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Loner

Loner

63%

Geek

50%

Drama nerd

38%

Punk/Rebel

38%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

38%

Goth

19%

Ghetto gangsta

Stoner

Let Darkness be Light

2007-12-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

I was contemplating my life and even my death. These verses apply to it all. They are my favorite verses in all of Isaiah ranking up next to the ones about Christ's death. I've been on a spiritual/personal growth rollercoaster recently. I know these verses to apply and are true. I can say amen to them.

“16 I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.”
Isaiah 42:16 NASB

"2 I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
3 “I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
Isaiah 45:2-3 NASB

This is the life we live. So that all our good works are seen as wrought in God. I was deciding if I would much rather be blind and walk a straight road. Or could see and walk a crooked one. We do both at the same time in some sense. I would much rather be blind and walk by faith. It is far easier but far more trusting.

I also thought about the end of that road in my life. I was thinking of my own mortality. I was thinking about death; it appeared to be some hideous monster ready to devour any in its path. Oh, but how Death to the blind was merely an angel shepherding souls and blocking the view of the splendors of what lie beyond.

Second, there is a plundering of the wealth of the secret places. These verses, and ones like them, usually discuss idols in the immediate context. It seems that the very idols, which we break, contain the very things we offer to God in worship. The very desirable things through which we come out of this life with more than we came in. Things by which God is magnified and glorified. This brings us to how Peter looks at trials and this life.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. "
1 Peter 1:6-9 NASB

How there is such a link to God's providence in our trials, not just ones of adversity but ones of prosperity. The world is never as dangerous as when it has put on a silk glove and sweetly beacons. How our faith aught to carry over into how we live our lives as a result of all things. How our faith should continue to rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, regardless and all the more for what we go through in this life.

The totality of creation

2007-12-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

I want this post bto e sum up the things about science. The things about God's creation.

Colossians 1:15-23 with commentary

He is the center of science for He is the very center of creation by position, by rule, and by substance in sustaining all.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.

The purpose of creation revolves around christ. It revolves then around what is with Him by His father's pleasure. It revolves around what he reconciles, namely his bride, the church.

18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything. 19 For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross; through Him, I say, whether things on earth or things in heaven.

To further confirm what is being reconciled. Paul specifically is talking about the christians he is writing to. He talks about the way and purpose of salvation. He talks about the effects and the end.

21 And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, 22 yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach— 23 if indeed you continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard, which was proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, was made a minister.

Evidence of the last post

2007-12-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I almost took it down for reasons other than it being accurate. All the more reason it needs to stay up. I'm not perfect. I don't like being that open but its true.

Confession of the Hole in Friendships

2007-12-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have stumbled across a few psychological sites that have pretty much described patterns in my life. Psychology is confirming my suspicions. I knew of this problem before hand. I don't normally give psychology much weight but it applies in some areas.

According to psychology, I am yearning for emotional intimacy.(Or deeper friendships.) This is from a disconnect between who I think I am, and who others think I am. And being content with a disconnect. I am not very needy but I realize that I could be if I am not careful in recognizing this idol of friends aright. I realize that this desire sets up even more conflicting ones within me. I know I am afraid of the very thing I yearn for, due to insecurities. (Psychology also says that but I know it to be true.) I'm OCD about some of my insecurities, its affecting my friendships. There are many friendships that I know I've kept superficial or even intellectually profound but never deep. Shooting the breeze with someone on what you know is not the same as making a friendship deeper. It only goes so far. It never goes far enough. You can know someone a long time without knowing them. I feel that is how I've been. I'm tired of being a one trick pony now. The barriers that keep me trapped in the circus remain even as I try and break them down.

I am facing intimacy/honesty overload as a result of the break down some of those barriers to in doing accountability with someone. We have merely acknowledge the existence of inward things like sin. We have not adquately dealt with them. I am perhaps feeling like I will have to deal with all this just tomorrow rather than with time. I do not know why but perhaps I am looking at what I want something to be rather than what it is and should be right now.

These problems present an interesting trilemma. The psychological solution is keeping it real, but it is also keeping it deep with honesty, authenticity, and communication. The two psychological solutions seem to contradict themselves. The solution to one is the cause of the other. The bad thing is that the psychological answer is close to the spiritual answer that I stumbled onto earlier. It remains that I should just plow through some of this mess amidst the unreality of my perceptions but never too far ahead. Time and being more trusting are the only solutions. That is my bind! It sucks.

Yeah, it literally sucks.

Psychology has confirmed that my wish to grow in relationships is a perceived need that has set friends up as an idol. Not necessarily in accountability but in seeking out (deeper) friendships and looking for contentment in those. It is evident by hanging out with friends and not being able to be content.(Or being bored while hanging out consistently.) I should do my own thing more often even among friends. In addition, the deepest relationship which aught to bring the most contentment is my relationship with God. I should not have need for anyone but him. Anything else is additional.

Next, accountability has run me in the other direction. It has not contributed to the first idol very much, luckily. It has put me in a place that I am fearful of opening up further (even though I am) cause I feel too invested, too exposed, and too vulnerable. Maybe some of these are innate defense mechanisms from when I was a loner. I'm not just talking about shy. I am talking about shy and shallow. They don't serve me anymore. Yet, it is not natural for me to disregard these. It requires grace. I think this grace has arrived in this season of life for me. Thanks be to God.

Another thing is at work that is closely related. Some of the very burdens/insecurities that I am holding onto are the very things that are eating me alive. Everyone has baggage that they should check at the door. I knew this all along, but I can't stand mine. It has a way of carrying over into sin also. I don't want to say more here for this is linked to the very thing I feel I cannot say. The very thing I cannot let go. My heart needs to be healed first. It slowly is. In this I'm not changing horses mid stream. I don't need psychological counciling. I need God.

God is good and he has ordained for me to run into these problems right now. I have prayed about God growing me here before. I don't quite understand his methods. I think it strange that in dealing with things going forward I must not deal with them. It is a counter-intuitive path of not trying to fixing it.

I see God's hands all over this area. I could go into details but they're convoluted. God is at work. He has taken me on a spiritual growth rollercoster for a month and a half but now I am climbing up to a drop and am a bit scared. Luckily, these issues have arisen as a result of accountability and a best friend rather than an opposite sex/dating relationship. There is a context to work through them without pain or injury to someone else. I'm very greatful for that. I already have starting working through many things that I haven't really talked about till now.

Forest and Trees 2

2007-12-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

I was spending some time in Ecclesiastes recently. Perhaps because I know I am getting a bad grade in one of my classes. D or F. Oh well. Can't say I tried hard enough. I can't say that my teacher was very good either. Its some combination of these two. I do better in harder classes but why? I do not know.

I stumbled across this section that applies to my view of science. It is what I had seen by experience like Solomon. It was just that it was more convoluted by what is actually known along the way. We can trace the source unlike him but it does not help. We are left with the same problem.

"When I applied my heart to know wisdom, and to see the business(science?) that is done on earth, how neither day nor night do one's eyes sleep, then I saw all the work of God, that men cannot find out the work (of God?) that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out." Ecclesiastes 9:16-17

The works of God always begin and end with God. All good science is circular like good theology. It flows back to the same source from which it came. It contains vainity that must be subjected to reality like theology. For theology this is the gravity of the cross. For science, this is the gravity of God's providence and infinite knowledge and wisdom in creating.

Finally, What is good is that men remember their creator and do what God commands. Life goes on either way.

Confession of Limerance

2007-12-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have to confess. I have seen limerance at work in different areas of my life. I could not think of a good word to describe this. Not necessarily infatuation. Or man crushes per se, but potentially ones. It falls in the same area of seeing things that might not be there. Or these things may be there, sometimes but not to the same degree as I thought they were. There are a few cases of this.

First, I was friends with one of my present roomates because I thought he was like me but had some traits that I wish I had. He is very assertive and extraverted but at the same time he is different than I thought. Still cool but different.

Second, I became friends with someone else over facebook only cause he seemed like he was perhaps something I could have been if I made different choices regarding my abilities. (Or expressed some of my latent abilities.) I have since meet him in person at church. I can't say I was really disappointed... Yet, he was very different from me in many areas. I think he had some limerance with respect to me also. I haven't called him out on it though. We are both pretty much intellectuals/deep thinkers to some degree. Maybe that was what he was looking for in friendship. He's cool but I haven't really spent much time with him.

Finally, I have to confess that one of my best friends has a personality like my little bro. I can hang with my little bro pretty easily at home. Still trying to figure if it is limerance. It seems real though. He's fun to hang with even if we don't do anything. I think he is in some ways one of my friends ordained by God. Cuz somehow we ended up in like every group together in church. This is the closest to a man crush that I have. What is funny is he might be one of the few that reads this blog some time. Ha ha ha. Ooops. Maybe I shouldn't have said this. Awkward turtle it up in our accountability then... woouuoo woouuoo wooot.... (We can address my immaturity later too.) Nah, it isn't that bad. Just use to seeing him like every other day for this whole semester. Now that isn't happening cause finals and school recently. So i thought to include it here.

The problem with limerance is that it is not real. It looks for some return. It looks for some validation or it dies down. It is not inherently bad but it is not real. I just hope my friendships go deeper and stay real without it. I like keeping it real in more ways than one.

I don't think my limerance was a form of narcisism. I can hang with other people fine; it is just easier to make friends with people similar to you. And be drawn to those people. I don't think that highly of myself. Furthermore, my limerance appears to be different that than what I want in real love/friendships. I know for a fact that in Romantic relationships, I look for something very different than myself. The way I look at limerance is that it is a different kind of infatuation that I need to be particularly careful about as to not confuse it with the starts of real friendship or real love.

An Idol's best friend

2007-12-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I have been trying to grow in relationships recently. Yet, not in the way God desires. Now my tale begins by going to hang out with some people friday night. I intended to go but couldn't find the place. I was in a kind of shady area walking around for a while. I was a little stressed by it but not badly. I had called one person twice for directions and two other people.

Now once I had found the place. I wasn't feeling it. Not enough people. I was like screw it. (The area was certainly less shady than where I was searching for the house.) I started walking back toward my apartment. I stopped to look in the liquor store, but I really didn't want to get anything. Waste of money. I just looked around and left. So finally after wasting an hour going to and fro with the small party. I ended up just going to a coffee house, alone to relaxed. I was still a little stressed/bored afterward but it was probably the caffiene (My drug of choice.) from the triple sized sumatra coffee. I decided to go to an old roomate's apartment. They played a little Mario Party. I wasn't feeling it here either with the just hanging out and the 'lame' game. I finally just retired to my apartment to learn/play with GIMP 2.4 aka photoshop by myself.

At this point, I kind of regretted not going to hang out at the small party with people from my church. I later got an IM from someone who had gone and was still hanging out. (They had played some poker and were going to watch a movie.) It didn't help a lot. Yet it did, for I had already began recognizing an idol in my life. Friends.

I was bored and my problem was that I was looking for contentment in something other than God. I was looking for it in friends. I was not in the right mind. This idol is new for me this semester. I know it to be a pattern that has developed slowly starting earlier in the summer. I have spent more time hanging out this semester than ever before. Just for fun with only sparce fellowship or god-glorifying purpose. I did not even try to redeem the time.

Now, it seems strange that I am to needing to grow in relationships and I am finding that I have befriended an idol along the way. I have some ideas of what I need to do. I hung out for most of today. It was an improvement. I used the time to remind myself of what God had done in other people's lives. Christ is the basis of friendships that are enduring. Another thing that seemed helpful was making my own time to do my own thing with God, even if I was chillen around friends.

I do not want to be some needy guy. I will seek contentment apart from my friend's company even if I still am spending just as much time with em. I find it was much better that way. Cause thats probably how it should be. Today, I used some 'hang out' time to read and spread out at my friend's house. I kept to myself more than usual, but to each his own. I think some of it was an improvement.

Now, I bring all this friendship stuff up because I am considering to start dating soon. I am not quite ready. I still don't know what I even want to out of some of my other friendships though. How am I to know what I want out of dating if I can't figure out what I want out of my friends. I yearn for time spent on more than just on small things. It may be fun but to what end. I want friendships in general to be different than they are. I need friends that help me towards God more than ones that are just fun. Yet, I have been spending time with friends to make me happy rather than seeking out that which I need in my soul. This time spent need not always be indifference but it should not be time spent thinking friends could solve my troubles or even my boredom or discontentment.

I choose you 2.

2007-12-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

For some reason, God indicated for me to read 2 Corinthians 4-8 earlier. I had forgotten what it had said. I don't feel that it was corrective but we have this ministry as we have received mercy. We need to plow straight the word of God.

We should not tamper with the word or practice cunning. I could be more cunning in crafting my free will argument but I should not press it. I have been crafty enough to try to disprove it. We should commend ourselves to everyone's conscience by doing what is right. I don't wish to disprove it anymore lest I ruin a hearer. I should resonate with Paul.

"Even if our gospel is veiled, it is only veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

Let us rather say with Him. "Let the light shine out of darkness," as he has shone (forth) in our hearts to give light to the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus. We are but jars of clay. We tend to be impure and easily broken. We should not care as long as the light is allowed to shine out of the darkness. This will expose truth and error more than anything. Arminianism contains some darkness if it is in error. I believe this darkness is the tendancies that overlap works and grace. Let us show works and grace are separate and men shall see that they cannot contribute. They shall see Calvinism.

Finally, we who know the things of light aught to walk in them. I must look at myself before I even should try to correct another believer. Not because I know and feel that I am right, but because it must be something that gives grace to the hearer. It must be for their good.

I think recognizing that we have no part; it is all grace; is a good thing. I will talk about doctrine that I believe shows this. It can perhaps be seen outside hence it is not essential. The Holy Spirit provides the best framework to see this grace. Yet, I don't feel that it can be seen doctrinally consistent without Calvinism. I am thinking this was in response to the "where's the beef article". It was showing me that its the gospel first and foremost is that makes people better. Theology is meant only for the prevention of illness. It is not a cure. It follows that part 1 should point people to christ. Not away as the good shepherd of our souls.

Confession of Lacking Compassion

2007-12-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I don't have enough compassion. I don't necessarily factor others into my prayers very often. My own relation with God is good. Yet, I need to relate more and more with others. I need to grow further into the body of Christ. Grace has been poured out by such. Yet, not just horizontally but vertically. I know that in some non-biblical sense of this aim: Where there is a will, there is a way. I need more compassion for there to be a way. I need more of a will.

I know what part of the body of Christ that I belong to. I am seeing I am not meant to stand alone, even if my giftings allow for it much more easily. It may have been good for a time but that time is has now past. (I cannot attribute my perspectives to my church or any theological laziness on my part.) I wish that I can see the value of others in my life more, not just close friends but all friends and people. I need to think along these lines: "Why should I let others stand alone? Especially when I see that I shouldn't. Before and after Christ" I have a heart at times. I know it is not weak or faint. It is rather far from constant. It is far from what it aught to feel most times. It needs to be informed of its weakness. This comes across in evangelism or the lack thereof. My compassion only is fostered once an event has already been started. This lack of compassion comes across in my short attention span for small talk and most talk with people. I wrote this confession cause I need to inform myself of the truth as much as I need grace. I shall boast in my weaknesses so that the power of grace shall dwell in me.

I choose You because You choose me.

2007-12-04T20:08:00.000-08:00

Let's consider choice. Accepting the gospel is not some capricious action. It is not rash but rational and heartfelt. It is not a heartless choice like choosing a black t-shirt vs. a navy t-shirt. Frosted flakes or Fruit Loops. It is not a irrational choice like spending money vs throwing it out a window. God is glorified in our choice because we engage in it with all of our being. We must choose Him in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. We must choose Him from the very center of our being. Our choice is important. It is not something that we come to lightly. I propose that we cannot.

It is from this position that I wish to discuss our choice in salvation. One would scarely say to a spouse or a loved one. "I choose to love you on some rash choice of mine." Compared this to "I love you from the very center of my being. You are irresistible. I could not do anything but love you when we met." I would go as far to say that the first one is a slap in the face. Why do we say such to God? The second one reflects reality better. God is too great in the gospel to not love.

Now, I am saying that this choice flows from a quality within the person lets them love God. This seems simple, but oh how difficult people make this. Jesus emphatically in John 10:25-26 says "I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father’s name bear witness about me, 26 but you do not believe because you are not part of my flock." The context of John 10 is salvation and its benefit. The sheep are not just believers for God has other sheep not yet of the fold. (verse 16) He will call them and they will come also.

I have suggested that those who are christians have somehow found a way to love God from the center of their person thus choose. They have been able to do this because of something that makes them different from others. Something makes them sheep. Now are they just better people? By no means, Christ died for us when we were still enemies of the cross. Not friends. We went astray following the course of this world before he called us out of darkness. He died for us while we who consisted of only the flesh were enmity against Him. He did not come to save the righteous but the unrighteous.

God must somehow make christians, sheep within salvation. I suggest this something the Holy Spirit does by giving man a new spiritual nature; giving man a heart of flesh and removing their heart of stone;causing them to be born again before faith to faith; regeneration. It is a single act of God. It falls within God's choice to do this so that man chooses rightly from the center of His person. Since it within the choice of God to appoint someone to this end, it falls under the normal meaning of an 'election'. His election. He really only appoints people to salvation and leaves the rest. A choice is still made by us to be saved from our very center. It is just preceded by God's. It is not upon the man who strives or runs but it is upon God to have mercy. He will have mercy on whom he will have mercy. He will have compassion on whom he will have compassion.

Let us look further at why the other possibilities which aren't. One idea is that all men contain some goodness in their hearts, not fallen, to choose christ. Thus our will is not fallen. This seems suspect for our finest efforts are filthy rags. They are always shot through with sin. We have each gone our own way. No one seeks after God. No one does good. They have become worthless. See Romans 3. Doing good is an act of the will. It is fallen. This is in our nature. After salvation, We can see clearly and feel the conviction that choosing salvatinon is to do good, to seek after God, and to follow his way. Furthermore, placing the choice in one's nature has problems in distinguishing this choice from the ability to do good anytime. Such an ability would make faith unnecessary.

Another idea is that God precedes our choice with just enough grace to make it free again. Prevenant grace. This seems more tennable. Since this grace does not change the person, the choice and the grace remain indistinguishable. The problem here is that prevenant grace lacks scriptural support. Now, I feel this is false like retained goodness because I think if everyone could see the choice aright they'd freely choose to be saved.

It sets up a contradition to what it is to be a free choice. I cannot see why one would live in sin. Prevenant grace would have to consider God allowing rejection. I cannot see this either. Christ came to save the worst of sinners. He came to save the ones who practice unbelief and idolatry. Ones who would try to reject him by it. The sin which Christ died cannot keep them away from salvation. Christ must deal with the sin of unbelief in His Death or His death is insufficent for the all types of sin. He deals with all sin on the cross. I cannot see Him not saving those who originally reject if they are meant to obtain salvation.

Confession of Bad Prayer

2007-12-03T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have never been great at praying aloud. Sometimes I'm OK. Sometimes my prayers are highly fragmented. My mind fails often when the Spirit is not guiding me. It is hard for you to miss. My mind fails when I don't feel the grace making my prayer more fluid. When I don't feel God subjectively being there even when I know he is, in truth and by faith.

If this happens, my mind gets caught in a thought loop. It searches for what my heart wishes to ask. I don't know why I can't just conjure up some fluff to fill in the gaps. It should be so easy but I just can't. The Lord's prayer as an outline doesn't always help either. I could structure my prayer more but I don't know if it is always necessary.

I don't know if this is good or bad spiritually for me, that I can't pray well at times. I also know I aught to pray sometimes but not always what. Luckily, the Spirit, as an advocate, is praying for me with groanings too deep for words. I know this to be so very true. I have seen answers to prayers that were incoherent and inchoate longings in the back of my mind. They had remained as unformed words and thoughts that I felt and longed for God to answer. They had little tags on them that wished God would them fix. He has occationally answered them to His Glory. I am so very greatful for it. It proves scripture (Romans 8:26) to be so very true. To the point that I am not condemned about the inadequacy of my prayers.

With this said, perhaps God wishes for me to know more scripture verses, so that he can use them in my prayer to link it to his promises. Pray His words back to Him. It sounds absurd but really isn't. Everything that I have read says that this makes for good prayers aloud too. This is sometimes true in my failures in prayer but not always. I know the gist of those scriptures well enough. It should not matter. I don't know what to do with my awkward pauses from time to time. At least not right now. The only words that I can never forget to pray are "Be merciful on me, a sinner. You alone can make me competent."

Where's the beef?

2007-12-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

People today are busy selling big fluffy buns for theology. I have to ask "Where's the beef?" This is a throw back to a generation before my time, although this remains a valid question.

Since I am cooking ground beef right now... If you really want to know where the beef is; its busy thawing so I thought I would blog. This beef I would venture to say has spent ages in the freezer. It needs to be brought out. It is needs to be served. It needs to be consumed. This is the same for theology and spiritual red meat that people have set aside in order to eat chicken. Or in order to eat preprepared food. There comes a time that one must cook for themselves. A time in which one must form their own spiritual convictions.

This is not the order of today but should be in some fashion. Red meat is not always bad. Christians need to get a little more zinc for their immune system. They need a little more iron for their strength. Christians are growing anemic without red meat.
Some try to avoid controversy. Some try to avoid the difficult areas of doctrine. Do not shy away from such if they are in the Word. Christians need to reconsider such adversion.

They have forgotten how to tenderize hard doctrine with important nuances. They have forgotten how to season it with grace as with salt. They believe it cooks in the flames of hell. Yet, they forget it is in the skillet on the stove, held in God's hand. We are not talking about damnable doctrine that rightly has fallen into the flames. We are talking about things that good christians disagreed on. I am taking about the doctrines of the reformation.

They aren't essential to be a christian but they may be important for one's health. First, the doctrines can be very bad if eatten raw. The cold interior is exactly that. It will put people off. It may even make them sick. It can be bland if they do not see the cross in them. We do not need dead orthodoxy either. The doctrines can be tough and hard to swallow when too well done. Especially when there is not enough understanding that it is from the actions of God and not some blind godless fate, that doesn't work for our good. Unlike chicken there is a difference in red meat when it comes to being well-seasoned, tenderized, and a range of being done. This does not mean we aught to avoid red meat. It just means we need to be all the more careful with it. Its ok if you don't eat it daily. God and the gospel is so much better. Yet, sometimes there is nothing more satisfying outside of God than biting into a juicy steak or hamburger that he created and ordained.

Science and Art

2007-12-01T17:36:00.000-08:00

I have talked about science a few times on my blog recently and I have used it as an example in the past to talk about God. My views of science and math are slowly eroding, especially in my last post. Its cold calculated shell is long gone for me. It is slowly becoming perceived as almost an art and a philosophy within its own little world. It is something that has details slowly being worked out, as if it is a drawing. As if it is an art by which People are tracing the lines of God's creation.

I look at the past only to see that this is how science and math were seen at one time. Not apart but related and inseperable to religion/art. Sir Isaac Newton wrote on religion as much as physics. Leibniz wrote on infinity and the infinite perfection of the world that God created as well as infinitesimals (dx), integrals, and Calculus. I am wondering if this view of science is meant to bring me full circle so that my mind is content to put together the things of God into art, more so than His creation into something. This may mean going another route than my science related career. I plan to pursue this more over winter break. I shall not neglect my other plans either; Graduate school in my science related career. I have doors opening but I really wish to see one open here. I wish to knock some more and see the way open further. I have seen the door open wider for fighting sin. I am seeing God act but I am not content with just that. I need Him also.

The door may not open in this direction for me but I wish it to. Yet, His plans will be for my good. I would like to call out that the way forward is too narrow and uncertain but I know it is wide, defined, and gracious enough towards me by faith. I plan on releasing some of my writings of a christian novel (100 pages are written so far) to a friend asking for His critical judgments of my endeavor. If I should force myself forward, in the full force of conviction. I have the calling to write by God but I do not know to what end.

The Forest and the Trees of Science

2007-11-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

I thought about science today as I was reading Job 38. Oh, how many want to give the short immediate answer to a question. They then think they understand things. This answer is never fully right. Science wants to answer who God is. Yet, it does so at is own peril. Its strength becomes its weakness. Let me explain something by science. You reading this very blog. You would say that this is because you are on your computer... Oh how slight that answer is.

Once upon a time sun radiated light (black body radiation) because of heated incandesent gasses from a nuclear reaction. This energy travels to earth and then is captured on a chlorophyll array in a plant's chloroplast. Two photons of energy hit this array and release electrons. The electrons jump over a bridge and are collected at the center of the array. The electrons reacts with a molecule of water. The water is split into hydrogen and oxygen. These atoms are separated across a barrier of phosopholipid molecules. The hydrogen (acidic) gradient is then used create ATP in the chloroplast. This ATP molecule gives energy to another molecule NADH? that reduces CO2 from the air. The CO2 molecule then enters the Calvin-Benson cycle. It is attached to PGAL (6 step process?) and converted into a sugar. This sugar is next polymerized by catalysts into starch or into cellulose. These molecules reside in the plant. The plant is then consumered or it dies and goes into the acidic soil. The remains undergo chemical changes but c-c bonds remain after all is through. The plant remains are turn into coal by pressure, heat, and time. The coal is then harvested from the earth and carried long distances to a power plant. The coal is burnt and Heat is given off. This heat energy is turned into pressure as a phase change liquid to gas occurs. (Steam generation.) The resultant pressure supplies force to turn a turbine mechanically. The kinetic energy of the turbine moves wires through a magnetic field. The magnetic field slows down the turbine as the mechanical energy induces an electric voltage. This current then travels along high voltage wires away from the power plant. It reaches a step down transformer that consist of two coils of wires in which another magnetic field is created and used to induce an electric voltage from one set of coils to the other. Energy is practically transmitted through thin air again! This happens once or twice to reduce the voltage so that it can be used by us. The energy then travels to an outlet in which your computer is plugged in. The computer power supply converts the AC sinusodal current to the DC linear current. The power then travels through a bunch of specially designed sets of logic gates that consist of special material properties (pn junctions of semiconductors etc). The result is that they act as chips that return answers of yes or no based on the logic of and/or. These logic operators use on and off signals consisting of this power. These signals are interpreted twice. Once into characters. Again into a language with defined functions. The computer then displays the result on your screen. You computer also gathers other signals transmitted over another set of wires powered in a similar fashion. It then displays this blog.

No one would have normally thought that this blog is powered by the very force that holds together the atom. The very forces that are imprinted onto the fabric of space-time. The power behind the logic of this science is inescapable. It is inescapably complex. It is so with seeking God by nature.

I was trying so very hard at seeking God in nature to see to what degree it was possible but to no avail. I was trying to find him with logic. I perhaps got as far back as the very fabric of space. I could not find God by wisdom of this world. No matter how hard I tried there was too much noise. I found there to be a vicious cycle of knowledge without knowledge. Wisdom without Wisdom. Oh, the foolishness of science that tries to know a simple thing does not see it is really far from simple. The ground of the complete answer is much more difficult than the cause to establish. Yet, it is equally valid as a cause.

God is almost too great for us to see. We are busy looking at things too small for Him. God is behind the smokescreen of all material things that exist and are. He is the thing that causes them to exist as they are. He spoke and they came into being. That is his power. I consider the millions of physics calculations that happen within the span of a second. What computer could calculate such. What could contain these laws and calculations without it being supported by something/someone with omniscience. God is wholy seperate here. This is part of His eternal power and attributes displayed in creation which are undeniable. It is through Him and by Him that all things were created. John 1. It is through him that they also exist for his glory.

Now, God needs to reveal himself and bring to nothing this wisdom of man. He is the world's source of wisdom. Imperfect after the fall. It cannot stand complete without Him. God need not ask us like Job to answer Him. I fear that we will not give Him the right answer if He did. What is worse is that we think we have that answer when we surely do not have any ground to stand on.

"2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? 3Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me. 4Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding."

Man is caught in his own craftiness. It weaves a beautify tapestry but the ends remain unraveled. I found God later but this was not in nature. The irony is that He found me. We cannot hid from Him. He is the source of our wisdom, knowledge, and science. He is not subrational but supra-rational. He is not sub-personal but super-personal. In Him we move and have our very being. In Him we are who we are. Yet, we also in Him cry for him to have mercy upon us sinners. We are not perfect as he.

Now the impossibility of knowing God in nature is corrected by God himself. He gave believers His Spirit lest we can never know Him. Yet, The Holy Spirit is not of this creation. In part or in whole. It is by Him that my connection to God is secured. I am saved and born again. It is by Him that I find God loving. And love God in finding.

The Strength, Power and Way of Grace.

2007-11-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

2 Corinthians 12:9 ""My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

I am seeing the latter part of this verse more and more. Oh, how I believed the strength of grace so much that I felt I was without it. I did not comprehend that this verse was not propping up the strength of grace. This is an easy misunderstanding. Oh, I knew how strong God's grace could be. I knew how this strength could be sufficent. I had felt this many times. Yet, his grace is just as sufficent when we don't feel it.

I knew grace was always sufficent and powerful but it was never strong enough for me. Yet, I now realize that I was confusing grace's power and strength (which is its power dwelling in us). I knew what it was to be 'without grace' and go through dark periods of faith. I see now that: We are really never without grace. We are only without its effects, which are individual graces themselves. We are without those. I doubted grace's sufficency in a sideways manner from such a confusion. I sought God about it and I felt that he refused to me grace. Multiple times with the same answer. It seemed strange. I could not escape that He was telling me No.... NO, How could He tell me No? I was spoiled by grace. It is unmerited. In truth, He had rather refused for the particular grace of having its power dwell in me to change. The grace itself remained sufficent. He reminded me of the sufficency a few times but I did not understand. I thought this to be the problem but the problem was elsewhere.

The verse that was meant to be the solution became part of the problem. I thought that because of the lack of Grace's strength. Grace in my life lacked power and by extension sufficency. This was a contradiction too great for me, so I then considered the fact that I lack grace altogether here. My assurance was rocked a few times but I was confused and dishearted about it. Remnants of past legalism also helped drive a wedge further. This tore me apart. I began picking at His providence in fighting sin in my life. Something I could not do at that time very well. I doubted God's goodness and God's timing in giving grace. I did this more than once.

I was only getting the standard answers. I was getting the answers of Job. They did not seem to help me then. I was shaking my fist at God because of my felt lack of grace. I was shaking my fist at God for not changing me. I was doubting His goodness. I was doubting His grace. I did not like His timetable. My sin was habitual and a constant source of condemnation. Yet, the occational sin of doubting his love was greater still.

The answers of Job only have helped me marginally. Of course, the gospel helped in this time with the effects but I remained without a remedy to the cause. I can now thank Him because I see wisdom in the delay. I knew of this wisdom by Job. Yet, I did not. I can now say that My ears have heard and now my eyes have seen. I am about to repent in ashes over my past actions and thoughts. I have yet to humble myself some more over this sin.

I think I am seeing that His power is meant to be perfected in our weaknesses. The power of grace becomes perfected here and its strength dwells with us. It still isn't merited by our weakness. It is grace still but this is the way that God intend for it to dwell in us. We have His word on such. We are to hold this grace in jars of clay. We can never be part of the solution. I always thought that grace is powerful and invincible. Yes, it is but grace's strength comes elsewhere. This verse shows the way of that grace as much as it shows its sufficency outside of its felt strength. Grace is to be perfected and dwell in us by our weaknesses.

If you are 'without grace' or rather its strength for it is sufficent regardless, you need to become weaker. God may even intend for you to boast about your weaknesses. I will continue to pray for power to change but now I see I need to be weaker still. I need to decrease so that He may increases. I have started to comprehend what the answer of Job means in my life. God intended that I let others share some of my burdens. He also intended that I move past my insecurities and be transparent more. In exposing sin and bring sin to the light. Not just to Him but specifically to others. He is growing me in relationships almost as much as I have wanted Him to. I just did not know how he was going to do it.

The floodgates of grace, or rather its power, have opened widely recently. Not necessarily from others, but from God also. It is from this that I can praise God in His wisdom and providence in the appearant delay. And repent in ashes over my sins in the time between. I hope that such a grace does not come to an end anytime soon. I am on the fast track of growth right now and don't want to slow down. That one sin remains in a lesser form. I still want it dead. I still need further grace. I still need less strength so that I can have more of it. I may have to boast in my weaknesses.

Confession of Insecurity

2007-11-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

I thought that I should write about this. I know that everyone has insecurities. I am just very sensitive about my own. Some of this is vanity. Some of it is history. I was the kid on the playground that was picked on. I was called names. I was called things like 'gay', not that a kid could even be such at that age! Needless to say I was offended and hurt many times. I got into many fights in elementary school perhaps the most in my class. I had anger management problems. I don't now because I grew out of it naturally.

I was still picked on by various people all the way until high school. I had turned into a loner by then. A loner with loner friends who did loner things while sitting at a loner lunch-table. This continued until my last year of high school. This year I had some friends that I could relate to. We didn't really do much together but I felt I could at least relate to them. This was a large step forward. These people were the people that were in top of my class, but they were far from nerdy.

Now lets fast forward to my first semister of freshman year in College. I had found progressively more friends. Some were dorm rats, gamers, and fellow engineer/honors people. Some were loners but not all of them. I would hardly characterize these as deep friendships. Yet, I could hang out with them a lot.

I didn't feel these friendships were suffiecent. I was also a Christian who desired to go to a good church. I could not live outside of attending one. Yet, I was not necessarily fully decided on which church. I had made some 'friends' in a campus ministry that I could relate to in the Lord. After an unfortunate attempt at humor, I had acquired the nickname "Buttercup". The joke was on me. Oh that nickname dredged up old insecurities. It was too feminine/dainty for my tastes. I guess I gave the girls a pass on calling me it. Although, I hated the guys who called me that. I was fuming angry more than once about it. I like the church that I had found but this nickname made me consider just starting over with new friends and new people at the BCM. It hurt.

I am sure I was mean to more than just a few guys who called me that nickname. I can shrug it off now that I have true friendships established. And I am not hearing it over and over like a kid on the playground. 4+ times at single meeting. I am kind of certain that someone said something to stop it. Sorry about being mean though. I can't escape all my insecurities. I still working on some of them.

The Lord is growing me in dealing with this area of my life from what I have gathered. I am going to be my own person regardless. I can make fun of myself but I tend to be insecure when others do. I need to grow in my relationships with others. If I can't be secure in myself, luckily I know I can be secure in the Lord. In our weakness he is strong.

What is Christian Maturity?

2007-11-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

I have recently stated that Christian Maturity is marked by communion and faith in the Gospel. The Gospel is nothing less than the actions of God/God himself. There is also unity of the spirit in Christian Maturity. There is something more than just these things. A mature christian is marked by the knowledge that He does not know God enough.

This seems to be counter-intuitive. A mature christian aught to fully know God, right? This is far from the case. Even though they know a great deal more about Him than others, in their heart and in their lives. God lives in a place that men cannot reach. He lives beyond the veil such that no man has seen God but by faith. They may have come closer but one cannot reach the sun by merely flying. Yet, Oh how I have felt like Icarus at times. God is sure to cause every knee to bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord. Christians who think they know God (as well as non-Christians who don't) at the sight of Him shall bow low and confess Him as Lord.

Mature Christianity is marked by seeking Him out further with a steadfastness that cannot be shaken. These Christians are not content with just communing with a semblance of God that exists in their minds. It is not about continually learning doctrine for such is not knowing God, but having a better picture of Him. God will always show himself to be much greater that such a picture, given that he has a canvas to work off of. These Christians desire spiritual meat to chew on. They wish to commune with the 'real' God who is seated on the throne.

It is towards the God who is incomprehensible that mature Christians must pattern their life and commune/fellowship with on increasing levels of intimacy, based on the Gospel. It is towards God that they must continually seek and long after. It is towards God that they must continually find loving and love finding. It is toward this God that they must realize that they don't/can't know Him enough. He is wholly holy. No one can be a mature christian without realizing and making a habit of seeking him out. This is what I feel is christian maturity. I believe I have yet to reach it. Maybe some day. Yet, no one can truly reach it. Luckily, there is grace to this end. God has a habit of drawing all things to himself by the actions of the Holy Ghost, by the death of the Son, and By the sovereign rule of the Father. Luckily, there is the gospel. Which pretty much says He already has in Christ. God had to do away with sin so that men could have peace with Him once again. So that men may return and be blessed by God. He gifts us the greatest thing. Himself. God is our inheritance.

Salvation and babies.

2007-11-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

I have recently spent some time with a baby. They're interesting little people. It was from my interaction with one that this passage took on new meaning.

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing these little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

Babies have a short attention span, at least so it seems as they crawl around exploring. It is not that short, especially when they are being held. Their attention span then seems to lengthen into ages, as they stare up at you from your arms into your eyes. (A baby happened to choose me to hold him for some reason, today. I do not know why.) He sat there contently staring up into my eyes. I had no choice but to return that gaze. My choices were to cherish him, or coldly look away with indifference from such a heartfelt gaze.

It is so with the gospel. You can intently look into the face of God and his salvation, or you can look away with indifference. Now people will look away with indifference because they do not cherish what is under their nose. This is not because salvation is so very far away from everyone or they did not understand it. It is their total depravity. It is not in their heart to care for such a thing. They would not return the gaze of God. This is not an act of their will for it grows tiring to stare into a child's eyes. It is easy to look away. I know I had trouble returning that gaze in all its intensity, especially from a child to whom I have no relation. This is first an act of the heart. For God's kingdom/salvation, a heart that can scarely love God is certain to look away. It can scarcely look unless God changes the heart from stone to flesh to respond. All natural men will look away with indifference if the Christ child were to be dropped into their laps. They could not care or cherish him. They find it much too difficult of an effort.

God's care for me recently

2007-11-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

I have felt Psalm 37 immensely recently, flowing first from Isaiah 30:19-22 and Jeremiah 29:4-14. The desires of my heart are being met as I continue in my conviction to fear and commune with God. There are many answered prayers in this last week relating to my career, my sin, and my future. I have been given peace. I am following to the left or the right at the urging of God. "This is the way, walk on it." He has sent me on a path. I am not sure on its end but it is good. I know how to walk on it by faith not by sight. Yet, I have discerned or rather have been shown what this direction is by the Holy Spirit. I see a hope and a future as its end. In all of this, its like I'm learning to breathe. I'm learning to live again. It is both easier and harder being in the hands of God.

I feel my temptations are heavier in my conscience once again. I feel much lighter in casting them off too. My feelings are no longer stuck in seeing twilight. (At least right now.) I do not see what is merely infront of me right now but things that consist of both heaven and hell; not intermixed but seperate. Temptation and grace. The measure to which He has poured out grace on me recently has yet to see an end. God is a faithful guardian over his sheep.

I have been growing like crazy since just before Anthem in it all. Anthem had only a little to do with it. Oh, how sin came full forced at me that day. Yet, my communion with God was not broken by it. It was covered by the blood of Christ. He has set me in a high place and I have assurance that I shall not fall headlong to destruction. Thanks be to God!

For the Love of God, People

2007-11-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

For the love of God, People!!!

Using this phase today seems very close to cursing. It is used as a last resort when every other motive has failed. It is used to pull on one’s very soul to motivate it. It is as if the person using this phrase was desperate on the verge of defeat. It is as if they appealing to the very last on the list of what motivates. For many people, this is a last ditch attempt to cling at one’s soul.

It is strange that this phrase is seen as such. It stands to reason that it is of top priority to real Christian motivation. This phrase was once much higher on that list of motivators. It was once at the top. It was once the puritan’s life blood to do good works. It propped up the protestant work ethic along with the desire to glorify God. It has now become almost a relic in our language. The theology behind it is seen dated as men try to move on to bigger and better things.

The love of God being a motivator isn’t a recent invention. This is nothing less than recognizing the gospel and being moved by it. It has always been around in different degrees since Christ walked the earth. What has changed is that this idea is not common today. If a person is in pain, we tell them to toughen up. If a person is feeling down, we tell them to cheer up. If a person is unmotivated, we tell them to try harder. These things hardly motivate. They assume that the source of motivation lies somewhere within our will. It does not. We aught to try but we should not presume that we can. No Rosie, No we can't do it. Whatever you say, Frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. It is not on the man who runs or strives but it is upon God to have mercy. We are saved by grace. It should not be suprising that we are also motivated by it. That's the problem Rose. A christian cannot be motivated to work in the same way as a non-christian. One needs to consider God in it all. It is ultimately God who must help us to both will and to work. It is God himself and the love of Him that must motivate us. This is not in ourselves.

Jeremiah 13:23 "Can the Ethiopian change his skin Or the leopard his spots? Then you also can do good Who are accustomed to doing evil."

What is impossible (motivation to especially to change) with man is not impossible with God. Our works need to be seen as having been wrought by God. He must be gloried in all that we do. To him be the glory forever and ever.

How I Feel

2007-11-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am held in the hands of God. I am slowly warming my wings in the rays of His grace before I fly away after emerging from my winter resting place. I've made some big decisions this week for my future. God is so much bigger than us. He is gentle with his saints but he is not lacking in strength. A picture like this actually came to mind prophetically. I don't really feel like discussing that though. I never do. I just want you to know that this is how I feel. God is good and he is worthy to be praised.

A Confession of Indecision

2007-11-17T01:04:00.000-08:00

I have thought about Grad school. I have been judging motives. They are mixed at best. I don't like having mixed motives. This is to say that I have been indecisive. I have not tried to presume upon God though. So much so that I have forgotten all about him in some ways.

This verse has helped me immensely:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Oh, I am seeing so much truth to this statement. Oh, the Lord seared it into my heart. How did I forget it from past experiences?

I spent some time today reading its context in Jeremiah 29. It is the Babylonian exile. It was the plan to bring them out. It was miraclous in that the temple got rebuilt. They left with more than they had gone in with. They went in as slaves and left with possessions and freedom. God told the people to build their houses in exile and find that their welfare is tied to the world's. He told them not to decrease. Some of this is engaging culture. Some of it is issues within secular life. Some of this applies to salvation in general. I don't think this is a calling for me to live out secular life though for he laters calls men out of exile. (Marriage, Ministry, heaven ect.) The holy spirit is indicating that it applies to my college and career pretty thoroughly.

Yet, I am still perplexed about the ending. "I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." I am not sure if this means that my career in engineering will not be where I end up. Or my present location is not where I end up. My spirit is leaning towards the former with regards to my education. God is blessing me in certain areas. Either way, I am increasingly feeling called to put down more roots here in relationships. I am increasingly called to judge success in my endeavors outside of my classes.

The Benefits of Being Young and Single

2007-11-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

I have had some time considering what to do with my career. I realized that I am single and young. I will have a degree in a field that is in high demand. Nothing can change that. Any decision I make about my career can't be a bad one since this remains true regardless. Furthermore, any decision that I make can't be a wrong one either because of God's sovereignty. I am not scapegoating wrong decisions. It is just that wrong ones will teach me something I would need to learn. What remains is that I make a choice that really reflects my own priorites rather than priorities that others have for me. I need to merely make a choice that God has ordained and blessed. I can thank God that It is not limited by me growing old or being tied to a new family. These things are good but I am not quite ready. Perhaps shortly I will be.

Convection and providence

2007-11-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

I thought about combining dark chocolate and mint green tea. Mint and chocolate right... It was not the greatest combination, not enough sugar/bitter, but the resulting suspension looked interesting. The dark chocolate dissolved into small flakes/specks of cocoa. These specks slowly floated around. They persisted because they were neutrally buoyant. The specs continued to float around for over five minutes. They continued to move despite not being mixed. I watched as the brew continue to swirl. This was the convection of the liquid of the hot tea as it was cooling down.

It is interesting how this little physical phenomena is responsible for so many things. It keeps the oceans alive by moving nutrients to the surface. It keeps fish in lakes alive because the ice forms a barrier over the surface due to convection. It controls rains and winds. Convection determines seasons. It caused the food you eat to be grown. It determines even the very livelihood of people. You very life depends on the natural process called convection. Oh, how something so important is relegated to only a coffee mug. How it is made so small when its importance is so great.

The math of large convection systems and turbulence is skipped over because it is seen as trivial or because science cannot even produce a basic model of it. I feel that people do this very same thing when it comes to God when he acts in small but immeasurable ways. Cynics have always said that the devil is in the details. Oh, how they are so incredibly wrong. It is God. I know this far too well. There have been many coincidences or actions of His Spirit in my life to bring certain things about. Namely my faith in fighting doubts. I cannot deny God's sovereignty. I was drawn to it even before my theology shifted toward being reformed. People who ignore God's providence and sovereignty do so to their harm. They take it as a natural process only to ignore it without cause. Science may attempt to describe God but it cannot even on its most basic level.

Science could never arrive at an answer of 42. Yet, it is too blind to even try. It is too blind to tell what 42 means. It is too blind to see that the reason for everything is the incarnate word. The very word through who and by whom all things were created. The word by which all things exist and are supported in existance. This singular reason is christ and him crucified. The very world exists for Christ; it does not exist for us to be sovereign gods of our own. Puppetry... Certainly not. His absolute sovereignty and redemption through Christ is more like convection. A natural process necessary for life. A natural process which will cause the world to bear fruit to the glory of God. He also has made it easy to forget. Not out of deception but due to its very nature. The universe shouts that God exists. It is just because men don't see it rightly. They trade the truth for idols. The real things that are unknown, are things covered by a veil lest we look up into heaven and perish under the weight of God's holiness and judgment. There is grace here too.

Let God's secrets remain hidden for eternity's eyes.
Let us not question his will or even try.
Let God work in ways that no one knows.
Let its beauty blossom like the unfolding of a rose.

Vanity vs Reality Poem.

2007-11-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

-This is the favorite poem that I have written. I thought I'd post it over here-

Should nothing less than Christ be spoken;
Our watch shall be broken.
Swiftly lust and sin will enter in
And our carnal minds darken.

Should our faith rest just on mental frames
To truth it will defame.
Soon this faith would sure and true dissolve
Complete with righteous blame.

Yet should the desires of the heart
Be met by unknown art.
Quickly, Satan would soon devise
Lies to tear our souls apart.

Now let us throw aside the weights that hinder
To embrace the Lord's sweet surrender.
This world is but empty vanity.
Let us find God's love sweet and tender.

For, Christ has bore sins in our stead.
He has taken the lead.
Never was there a chance of defeat.
Victoriously unbroken as a bruised reed.

Christ has saved his people fully.
He bled and died truly.
Come back to your home ye wayward sheep
Of whom he loves eternally.

Should Christ return this very hour.
He shall come in his mighty power.
Jesus shall descend from on high
As mercy rains down a shower.

What if we were all caught up tonight?
Would judgment be a welcomed sight?
Should heaven's veil be pulled away,
Christ shall shine so bright.

Come forth! Quicken without delay.
Christ will clothed his wife today
Our trust so constant shall deliver
And the trumpets shall call the saints away.

Lesser things: Alcohol and Idols

2007-11-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

Now, it seems strange for me to post about this on my blog. I shall get to it after my story. I bought my first alcohol today. It was a slight curiosity but also with an intent to cook with it. I like cooking. I bought a Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio. It is an Australian White wine that has sharp citrus notes and a dry aftertaste. (I can't stand Chardonnay.) I perhaps cooked 1/2 of the wine (as I intended) and drank the rest from a 750ml bottle. I had a very slight buzz for like 30 minutes. I made a chicken & vegetable dish in a white wine sauce. (It was almost a concotion.) This was served over noodles. The Pinot Grigio was a little more acidic than I thought it would be. I was expecting a heavier olivy taste with less acid but got an acidic clean white. My impressions from prior experience are that acidic Wines seems to be balanced out by Cheese (smoothness against tannin/acid) and mustard (astringency). So I added these ingredients to the sauce. I would rate the overall success of the taste to be a 7. The wine itself tasted a 9/10, relative to my wine prefernce. Yet, the scale for wine itself ranges 0-5/10 verse everything else.

Lets start by saying. I understand alcohol. I have an idea where buzzed ends and drunk begins. Alcohol first slows your senses. Your reactions are delayed. Your mind starts to slow down as it gets harder for your mind to process what you see/think. You begin to have a visual delay much like when you're dizzy from spinning around in circles. You know you are not quite fully there at this point. You are much more clumsy or at least feel it. Yet, drunk begins when slowly you lose control of your body and your thoughts.

When buzzed or drunk, inhibitions go away but convictions generally remain the same. If you desire something, less things will stop you from following through. Eventually not even reason stops you. Luckily, your body is too impared at the point. If you don't desire it, you will not have such a desire bother you. Ok, I have brought all this up to discuss what it means with respect to spirituality.

It is my contention that drunkeness and alcohol do not limit spirituality. They rather take hold of it. It cages the heart like a bird rather than sets the heart free. From here, one's heart is prodded by the devil. Sin is conceived much more easily. Alcohol stops one from running away. All sorts of Idols are allowed to reign unrestrained in one's heart. You can be sure they existed prior but the mind kept them at bay. Excitement from a sports game lasts longer as it takes you longer to fully realize what happened during a play. It takes longer to realize that it may be fun but it is not Godward. Alcohol can set you off on the wrong way. You can't get back easily because you are also limited to a one tract mind. It can scarely help you back to God. Things that displace God do so fully with alcohol. I don't recommend drinking.

I see this a little when buzzed. I am sure it gets progressively worse when becoming drunk. Idols then have free reign then in your heart. This becomes much worse when you become addicted. Alcohol becomes an idol itself then. It may lighten the heart but to what end. Vanity? Drink, be merry for tomorrow you die. Let us find our Joy in God. Alcohol will hinder us. Yet, this becomes more true when considering what evils are unleashed by Alcohol, which are already in our hearts. Let us keep a mind to ask for grace when our hearts are prone to go astray like sheep. Alcohol is a dry wasteland in a wet marsh. It is not an oasis in the desert. Let us skip past this curiousity. Let us not be drawn close by its pull. Let us go on to greater things. Namely God. I don't plan on cooking with alcohol again. I don't plan on buying any more any time soon. I can see its allure but I shall not be filled with its idolatry. I will continue to drink it from time to time but hopefully not out of want or desire.

New and excellent way

2007-11-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have the impression that God seems to have plans for me but I don't know what they are fully. Or rather how I aught to get there. Transparency is part of it. I believe He has a new and excellent way forward in my life. A calling toward a certain end.

It is something that is related to my career/job. I think I am gifted for such by grace now or will be shortly but I pray for faith to pursue it. Whatever it might be. I don't know what I aught to say about it. It is related either to my Christian Fiction post or it is related to the direction of my career to easily include a wife and a family. Especially overcoming sin to that end. I don't know what else to say about it.

I tried seeking God today about it. He only seemed to echo this idea about a 'new and excellent way.' I am dealing with some important decisions soon. He has given me some peace about it so far. I am going forward with my plans but I don't want to presume upon God. I will do such and such tomorrow if God allows. This is beyond the spiritual gifts/graces that I have been given. It is rather the uses. It involves some form of outporing of love/blessing in what I am going to do but I do not know what that is. Career or family. Maybe both. It seems to be strictly career but this does not seem set in stone. I need to seek God further about this.

Character III

2007-11-02T23:49:00.000-07:00

I liked talking to Josh at Care group about my spiritual growth over the last year. Or at least His perception of it in my life. I see my growth happening much earlier than he has seen. His perception seems to go hand and hand with my openess about myself. I am sure some of my spiritual growth was hidden from view. It was hidden under a lamp stand. Few people know my inner spiritual life. I am going to let more people in on the secret. Being smart lets one skirt answers without revealing much. Seriousness keeps the conversation at times merely theological. It is from here that it was easy to not be misleading but keep what one wishes to reveal about themself limited. Only to deal with things rather than issues. God is showing my necessity for transparency. I hope humility follows it.

Ephesians 3

11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; 12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. 13 But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light. 14 For this reason it says,
“Awake, sleeper,
And arise from the dead,
And Christ will shine on you.”

Who will awaken and arise with me to see Christ shine in his brilliance? Let the morning brighten as the clouds depart.

I might plan on doing accountability with someone. I think it would be helpful now more than ever. God is still at work to change me. This is the newest thing to reveal. He is also at work in dealing with my lusts but that is more complicated. It has tried my patience always. Especially when trying to rely upon grace. If that means anything to you all.

Character II

2007-11-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

I bet you didn't know that I was a hopeless romantic.
I bet you didn't know I am good judge of art as well as science.
I bet you didn't know I can let people walk over me to avoid conflict as long as they don't start a fight. If they do, I finish it.
I bet you didn't know that I see things out of my heart as much as I see them out of my head.
I bet you didn't know I resent any responsibilty that I don't choose to take on.
I bet you didn't know I have anxiety at times but never when I should in the big stuff.
I bet you didn't know I can be impulsive.
(Until you see I am a pyro who does Napoleon dynamite dance moves)
Finally, I bet some of my friends don't know I'm very religious.
Oh how I want to tell the world some of these things about myself. I need grace to this end. That is the facade I'm faced with. Let the light shine brillantly when I have no computer or paper to hide behind.

Character

2007-11-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

This is an interesting point in my life because I see potential in my character. This is to say that I see my own independance at being who I am and my insecurities at being such. I see my potential to correct some of those insecurites and refute others. Especially in areas that I have neglected. Anthem was the straw that showed it. It broke the camel's back.

Yet, it is at a cost. New forms of sin are entering my life especially vanity. It was always there but it is not like before. In some ways, I stopped caring about appearances around friends but in other ways I do all the more. I always had a grave seriousness about my personality. I am finding that some of this was a facade. In fairness, it had even me fooled. Yet, calling it a facade does not do it justice. It was a different mindset that was not concerned with inviting people into my life. I hope to do this more. It is not quite the same as shyness. It is more about being willing to disclose more of oneself rather than needing to be asked the right questions. And being slight with answers. I think this is part of it. Or at least the solution. I will have to get back to you on that.

Next, what is strange is immaturity has returned from some unknown place. I was never immature before. NEVER. I am more immature now than in high school. IMAGINE THAT!! I'm baffled but not surprised at the deceitfulness of sin. I hope to figure this out. Change is difficult but it is for my good. Here is my resigned INTJ Personality broken down further.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|	16%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|	16%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Peter pan complex	\|\|	10%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	24%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|	16%
Vanity	\|\|	10%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|	10%
Indie	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Silent Art

2007-10-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

I decided to post all my poems and lyrics over on Facebook's Poetry Shout. I have been silent about certain abilities of mine. My writing is one of those. These were written originally in private inspired by the Holy Spirit. They were not intended for public view. I do not know why God makes things beautiful that we may never see. Yet, that is how beauty and art are at times. You have to search far and wide. Down even into the depths of the sea.

Jesus seems to do this to. He does it in search of His bride. He had to go to the depths of hell to pull wretched sinners back up to the light of day. Just for something to start with. He knew far to well that beauty must first come from within, before it may be expressed on a page or picture.

I feel like being more open about some things about myself. If you already know me, you're in luck. If not, I'm sorry. I don't pass my name out or accept friend requests by most strangers on Facebook.

God with a sense of humor

2007-10-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

I have only lead one person to Christ. It was over an Internet chat so I cannot judge the effects in her life or the ripples of that event. Yet, I shall tell the story. For she would be one of those definitely born out of due time. The evangelistic effort was conceived in my sin and in God's providence. It was from a two hour conversation in an online video game.

I was wasting time on Guildwars last winter break. I had been convicted of my laziness prior but I did not really care enough to do something productive. This thought sat in the back of my mind for I was busy in my sin. The one thing interesting about Online Games is that occasionally a random topic is discussed in a chat channel. This one was about how the decorations for the winter holiday were christian. Since I am not the biggest seasonal fan, I said that they were pagan. (For they are pagan! Its just that Christians have tried to attach symbols to them.) The conversation started from here. The details are below. Its long and convoluted but I am remembering it a year later.

I get a random IM slightly off topic asking "Why do people hate your religion?"

I answered something like "because they traded the truth of God for idols and want to be God themselves." I did not even try and start a conversation. She agreed with the response and I think asked something else. We then started to talk about God. It was not long after that She said was a rabbinic Jew and had read the bible many times. Her name was something foreign like Sahge but she was from NY.

She also said something like Jesus was not the Messiah. It was from here that I drew her out on what is necessary for atonement. Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. It lead to talk about the day of atonement and the temple system. I discussed original sin and the christian doctrine of atonement throughout. It was not just contrition that causes sins to be forgiven. We talked about Jesus/blood being necessary. And that Christ necessarily had to be God. She tried to refute me many times but luckily I was able to knock down every argument. She realized that rabbinic judaism is not from the Bible. She abrupted ended the conversation by simply not replying to a question I asked back. This could have been the end.

I took the opportunity to pick up a bible and bring it to the computer. Throughout this time, I was like "ummm is this really happening." God must have a wry sense of humor to give me the opportunity to evangelize in the midst of my sin. I prayed decent amount as I was typing to her. It was shear providence. She finally returned and appologized for being rude. She said I was stubborn like her sister. I asked if her sister was a christian. She said yes.

Then she said "I don't know what to believe now." I said, "Well, We worship the same God. He still exists. It is just that I believe more things about Him than you." From here I transitioned from Christ as God back to atonement. I typed over Romans 3. She seemed to understand where I was coming from after the long discussion earlier. It was apart from the law because the law was impossible. I gently pressed her toward accepting Christ here but she was the one who took the initiative. She was the one who asked "how do I..." I said, "Accept christ." I thought it a bit strange to even ask how.

I told her about access in faith through the blood of Jesus christ. (*Apart from rituals of OT.) I then quoted Romans that talked about how the word is near. That one should confessing with their mouth and believe in their heart that God raised Jesus from the dead. She did this in prayer or aloud I dunno. I then asked if she had a Bible with a New Testament. I told her to get one from her sister and to read John first. I also told her to go to church with her sister if she could. I tried to give her as much advice as I could for not being there. The night had wore on till like 2:30-3:30am for both of us. She asked me to pray for her Jewish mom, and her agnostic Dad. She had a heart for them. That is my only evidence of regeneration. We said goodbye and went to bed.

I talked to her once the next day but it was very brief. I have never seen her since. I did not tell many people after coming back to knoxville about it because I knew I might have to be accountable to them in discussing my video game habits. I feel that I aught to get it out there now. I am still wasting too much time on the computer doing pointless things. Facebook etc. Just less video games. (I don't feel bad about wasting time on my blog though. I want to be more prolific.)

Now, I have the memory of God in his providence dropping a conversation that I didn't ask for into my lap amidst my flagrant sin. A memorable conversation in that lead toward me pointing my first person toward christ. It was not my doing anyways. I knew this far too well from the felt absurdity of God using me in that moment dropping the easiest evangelism ever possible into my lap.

Abortion

2007-10-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

I usually restrict my topics to things that are Godward. I regret to inform the evils of the world tug at my heart to tell you my view about this topic. Here is my view. Its alive.

Now, What I find strange is there aught to be medical definition for the begining of life that is like the end of life. We can declare a person dead when they have no heartbeat, no brain waves, and aren't moving. Yet, we can't even declare them alive with rights at 4-5 months with all these things. This applies to 10% of abortions.

This is not even the best medical standard to apply for life. I always think it is better to play it safe when it comes to life. This is even true for death. Doctors don't give up on someone when resuscitating people unless the potential to live meaningfully is gone. If this standard is applied retroactively, it means that rights start at conception. Why should we give up on them? I personally favor this definition. I have not even dogmatically defined when life starts. Yet, it aught to be valued so much that this should not matter. I have not even touched the religious aspects of abortion. There is far more red meat against it there.

Luckily there is also grace for those who have had them. It comes christ and him crucified. He will never leave his children. His efforts are never... well... abortive. He will certainly comfort those in need, forgive, and cleanse people of all ungodliness. Call on him and he will answer. Even the murderer, Paul found grace. You can be forgiven completely.

Perhaps you were born out of due time yourself. Or even, you aught not to have been born at all. This applies to real life. I was 6 weeks premature and in ICU for 3 days before even being held by my parents. Perhaps if born to parents in the past, I would have died.

Now, an untimely birth may also apply to conversion. Have you considered this? You were born again when you aught not to have been. Your sins may be great. Maybe, the regular means for a person to become a christian weren't in your life. Your family doesn't go to church. You don;t have christian friends. Or maybe you become a christian by means apart from what you see as normal in your life. Maybe there is a flyer, a solitary stranger, or a small bible verse pasting by in your own little world. It was by no means impressive. It talked of things aught not be persuasive but were. Oh, how the natural world would reject this idea. Yet, it was more than an idea for it became real and it lives. Let, men continue to be born when they aught not to be. Especially if it is not wanted. It is god's providence, in life and in spirit.

Some Fundamental Problems

2007-10-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

I have been slightly pressed to say that today's fundamentalists act like yesterday's liberals. Just read the NLT and the KJV next to each other. Go hear a 15minute sermonette about Jesus and Me. Let us all raise up a Praise Jesus to. Then you will see why.

Fundamentalists are content using bad translations or rather paraphrases, which go above and beyond any close translation of the meaning of the word. There seems to be far less focus on strictness when considering dynamic equivalent translation vs. a real paraphrase. Read the Message. I am one of those who never finds it helpful. Use a commentary instead. Protestant and Catholic alike would have burnt some of these translations as heretical if they were around 300 years. Where is theology and Doctrine? It is inserted.

Let us not forget the prayer cloths and the exercise of 'spiritual gifts' that verge on the signs for Demon influence/possession. Things that even God would find impossible to bless since they lack the gospel. It is like this cartoon. We do not have arms to grasp onto that grace ourselves. Furthermore, it is God's doing. It is not by our will that grace and gifts are supplied/received.

The seeker sensitive movement is horrible. Tell them what they need to hear! It is the gospel. It is not what their ears are twitching to hear. Sometimes this means telling them about their sin and their need to change.

Who can blame yesterday's liberals for being bad when some fundamentalists are just as bad. They invite heresy. They are not even content to believe one thing. I have not even touched the health, wealth, and self help heresies either. There is much more to say but I aught to stop.

Communication with God

2007-10-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Lets look at Isaiah 8:18-20 "Behold, I and the children whom the lord had given me are for signs and wonders in Israel from the lord of hosts, who dwells on mount Zion, And when they say to you. 'consult the mediums and the spiritualists who whisper and mutter,' should not a people consult their God? Should they consult the dead on behalf of the living? To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it is because they have no dawn..." NASB (a curse is then given as the passage concludes into chapter 9.)

My understanding/paraphrase:
"Behold the salvation of God and his children who the Lord has elected for signs and wonders in the church by God who is in heaven. Some ask you to consult occultic things. Should not a people consult their God? Should they consult the dead on behalf of the living? To the teachings (of God, law or christ) and to the testimony (of prophets or Isaiah(God's salvation) about such.) If they do not speak according to this word, they have not any light. (not enlightened)"

First point- it denies that the dead should be consulted on behalf of the living. It seems that dead saints should not be consulted either, even to help intercede. God has answers. Consult him. God intercedes, consult him for help. Not the dead. Catholic prayers for the saints, no more please. God may use unfit means to bless if it is done in faith. Yet, This does not mean that one should ride a horse backwards to get anywhere. How much more will he bless means that are fit to be blessed! No popery please.

Second point- God can be consulted. And when he is, the outcome is from two things; Teachings/law and his testimonies. Teachings/law can essentially can be curtailed as the Written Word of God without much objection. Next, the testimony is Isaiah's own (Vs16) particularly, chapter 8 but not only chapter 8 because it contains Christ typology.

Third, if one was to speak according to this word, they have dawn. What they say must be true according to the testimony and teachings. This always meant the Bible and the prophets for Israel! Not the majesterium or line of the church. One can hardly speak otherwise. Sorry Catholics again.

Fouth, the context seems to be about spiritual divination and unusual means used for communing with God. This is important because it seems to be addressing means other than study of law and teaching in which God can be known. This verse begs to ask "should not a people consult their God." Followed by, "if they speak not according to this word, it is because they have no dawn." Conversion has this kind of symbolism of light. Conversion is linked to the holy spirit. It is linked to a personal relationship. There is always communication in such a relationship. Consulting God in person and being taught of God are integral to this passage.

Fourth, God can communicate in means other than just the particular illumination of scripture. The word is to be magnified in preaching for sure. Don't get me wrong. God communicates through his providence also, according to his word. It does not limit the means but only the substance. This allows other communication with God outside of written word. It allows prophecy and discerning the actions of the holy spirit. From personal experience, I would say that this communication is often through prayer or a prayerful mind, not prophetic visions. From personal experience, it does not exclude these either.

This is almost "lesser prophecy" or direct communication from God. One can know the mind of the spirit by 'carefully' searching one's heart. Romans 8. This nullifies many arguments used for greater prophecy. (the spiritual gift) Some say that what is communicated back in prayer has less substance than the Word. This is to argue about its strength rather than the substance of its existence. One may argue about its accuracy or precision too. The same issue arise in real prophecy as the ones that arise from knowing anything that God communicates back to us. He has not left us alone. He has not let us unanswered. The communication from God in prayer and prophecy is just as concrete as the Word, even if we don't have ears to hear.

The very causes of this two-way communication are direct graces from God. It is not necessarily a "God laid it upon my heart. etc." kind of deal. I must say that this is sometimes quite particular. It fits in line with Isaiah 30:21. "and your ears will hear a word behind you, 'This is the way, walk in it,' whenever you turn to the right or to the left." It is hardly a nebuluous desire but a concrete command and instruction.

Fifth, This verse also seems to imply that God is worth asking! I am not saying anything extravagent. What I am saying is that christ has reconciled Man to God. We have confidence and boldness to approach the throne of grace by way of the cross. Let us not shrink back but draw near to God. The cross itself suggests that God will hear and answer our needs and requests! God is alive and real. He is not dead nor imaginary. Let us hold fast to our confidence and ask knowing that he shall grant us everything necessary for faith. Let us ask these things according to the will of God.

[On a side note, This does not mean asking questions about God motives. Let us not be like Job. Our motives here, too often betray us in asking the questions. They can easily attack God's infinite wisdom. This is sin even in the slightest. It needs to be repented of. Let's not question God about his secret council, not even about events in the present. This is far more common. I doubt God will answer such an inquiry anway. Be like Job and say "I shut my mouth". I know this from experience all to well. ]

Christian Fiction Crap

2007-10-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Where are the C.S Lewises of today? Where are the Flannery O'Conners today? Let us not forget the Tolkeins (to a lesser degree). Where are they?

Can anyone write christian fiction that isn't 'My Troubles and Faith testamony', 'My Rapture/end time charts', or 'Repent: a Gospel tract in Narrative form'? I have written about 100 pages worth of christian fiction. (A small but growing novel just for the fun of it.) Enough to know that it is better than some of this crap.

I ask. Where is the Aslan? Where is the incorruptable presented as reality? Why don't people write about grace so real that it whacks people up side their head. (At least so they don't skim by without realizing it.) We don't need escapism. We need Christ.

We need to write about God's side of events concerning man and his troubles. This is what is real. The wonderful cross engages mens hearts. Christian fiction aught to magnify it. As for 'My troubles and faith testamonies', There could be many solutions to our problems. God can't be presented as something that works for one person but may not for another. Authors must address the root problems of sin and grace in their works. God in this must stand alone as unique and uniquely valuable.

There is beauty still in that old rugged cross. The blood-stains and all. Throughout all these years, though the wood has splintered and the nails have crumbled into rust, its beauty remains incorruptible.

Fried Curry

2007-10-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

Some people have tried to exhalt pagans into heaven. Well, Gandhi was perhaps the best among the pagans. He brought peace and non-violence. He did not kill, steal, or murder. Yet, I shall not exhalt this man as being perfect. Gandhi had a few faults.

It is true that He was good among men but he turned the truth of God clearly displayed in creation into an idol. He served creature rather than God. His acts did not glorify God. They were apart from God. Read Romans one. Believing to be wise, Gandhi was a fool. He even supported Hitler in Germany. So much so that he wished India to have a dictactor.

Gandi did hear the Christian Gospel but he rejected it. He was a man born under original sin. He was not perfect when God asks for such in his judgment. God lives in unapproachable light. That is why Christ is necessary even for a saint with many works, like Mother Teresa, to be in heaven. Christ must step in to supply grace to bridge this gap since no man but Christ is perfect. This grace isn't meeting the bar but rather shows us how much higher it is, only to take us another route. Christ does so only in this life. Gandhi is dead and without grace. It is better to be a living dog than a dead lion. There is hope when someone is still alive.

Gandhi lacked grace from all external appearances. It remains up to God to judge but it stands on this evidence that he is in hell. It is a place that every man deserves but not every man goes. Grace exists apart from doing some good works. Mercy does too. Man is still guilty for not being in the right relationship with God regardless of works. Christ, as only God could, must take the punishment ment for us. Otherwise, the wrath of God remains. Gandhi was outside of Christ. He was found outside of the church, which alone has salvation.

Let's pretend the standard for judgment was set by him, a man. Will you be as good as the pagan Gandhi in this life? I doubt it. Now if he is stuck frying curry in hell, what chance do you have with much fewer works for getting into heaven outside of christ?

Let us remember that we all need Christ without exception.

Little ditty about Calvinism

2007-10-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

You can and you can't,
You shall and you shan't;
You will and you won't.
You're damned if you do,
And damned if you don't.

This is the definition of Calvinism from Lorenzo Dow, a former methodist, who became an independant evangelist. It is in fact the origin of the phrase "You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't." He staunchly said that this was the essence of reformed thought. Despite some errors, I shall agree with him to a degree and address total inablity.

First, You can and you can't. This stems from the deceitful desires of the heart that entangle man's will to do what is evil. Repenting is the easiest thing in this world. For example, I can repent of doing crack cocaine. I turn and repent of it as easily as one says no to eating limabeans. This is because I have never touched that stuff. For me it would be as easy as pie. For someone entangled by it, it is an whole other story. I would have to say that sin is even more of a vice than any substance known to man. Sin is, in fact, the most addictive vice. There is no repenting of sin by throwing it off lightly. This includes repentence of the sin of unbelief. One can but one cannot. The problem lies with the person not with God or His perfection.

You shall and you shan't; You will but you won't. Man acts according to his desires. One desire, for example, is being rational. Another is selfishness. Another desire may be for another's benefit. Man does not come to decisions so lightly either; as to have nothing in the desire for an action yet do it. They are in fact our decisions. Desires may battle it out in our hearts and minds but be assured there is only one victor that is choosen. The will never defeats itself. Furthermore, People don't really act out of character. They only reveal their character in their actions. They only reveal what is strongest desire in their heart. This doesn't make us robots. It makes us human. The actions flow from the character of the person thus we are limited in our decisions by our own desires.

It is futile to change man's ways outside of God. It is God who changes man. No matter how much outer reform or appearance, one is still the same man with the same desires and without God. For even after religion, the evil will seek to escape any outward influence from the Holy Spirit. This is the state of natural man. The goodness of the will is broken. Though I may realize rationally that it is good to repent, my will in no way desires it. Likewise, it follows that anyone who desires unbelief and hates God, will not believe. Nor would tries to have religion by resolve gain anything. His original will shall prevail. One cannot be victorious against their self. This resolve would be motivated in and of itself by a selfish desire not befitting of the gospel. One cannot wish to love God. One can go through the motions but it amounts to nothing.

Next, the last phrase, damned if you do, and damned if you don't. It is certainly clear that you cannot for you will not. For you cannot effect salvation through deeds, good works, or church going. Your affections are in the way. Even a rash "decision for christ" means little because the natural heart is too deceitful and manipulative. The gospel is never a deceitful, manipulative twisting one's arm into an emotional and rash decision to assent to a truth. Some preachers try that. (revivalists*cough* *cough*) This emotionalism does not create conversions. It creates salamanders that thrive when placed under the fire of experiencies but expire easily at room temperatures. Such are not the eternal changes that make up a Christian.

Man must rest from his works and let God be victorious in all he does. Man's resolve alone is not great enough to keep himself from hell. It is not upon the man who strives or runs but upon God to have mercy. Even if a flesh-centered man desired to choose God; he would do so without real faith and trust in it. It is very possible that such a man only seeks to escape God. This choice would lessen his obligations to his soul. I would not trust even my own heart for such conversion. Man must be given a new heart.

Finally, The little saying would be more accurate if it said:

God can and you can't,
God shall and you shan't;
God will and you won't.
God damned you, even if you try and do,
but damned only if you aren't born anew.

The Art of Science and Religion

2007-10-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

No one counts the seconds between drops of water from a steady drip to realize that they appear random at first and then become periodic but remain just as random. No one considers that a random number generator on a computer is not truly random. Few people understand that break pads or rather the discs they are on (rotors?) heat up in a non-uniform way. Such that hot spots form on one side of the disc and not the other when spun circularly. No one looks at the spot on Jupiter or Earth's air currents to realize that the semi-spontaneous formation of hurricanes and storm systems depend on the initial conditions. Conditions so small that it can arise out of the flap of a butterfly wing in China. Oh, how I could be changing the world by merely typing this blog entry. At the same time, there are strange attractors in Chaos. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what the initial conditions are. One will always get the same result from the system. Chaos is such a strange thing. Entropy is stranger still.

Sin and grace are very much like chaos in this chaotic world. Sin will always drag one to a single place with its corruption, hell. Yet, Grace is like the hurricane. It abounds such that mighty kingdoms are destroy by a single act 2000 years ago. Even the smartest scientist is but an artist when it comes to these things. The equations don't do it justice. They break down due to their lack of accuracy. Science can't hope to explain God when scientists can't even explain all the things around them by numbers.

Lesser things: Intellegence

2007-10-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Some think intellegence is a natural trait. Some have also considered me intellegent, for lack of intellegence. I know my mind. I know it quite well. I have to disagree strongely at times. I have felt my mind has shifted further from rogue memory toward being more analytic. During this time, I have felt as if I have become stupider. (It gets really funny when I have gone without sleep for more than 48 hours. I can barely piece together a sentence or coherent thought. At least then there is a reason.) I kind of know that this is not the case but rather my intellegence has become analytic. It is a strange thing when my mind is not at my command in the same way it was before. This shift is seen in my classes, I can only learn equations now in conjuction with theories rather than by rogue memory alone. I have to study now when 2 years ago I did not. My rogue memory before meant that I never had to study even for crazy hard thermo-dynamics. It meant that I never learned things for a test and end up forgoting them later.

Maybe it is because my mind has limits and is speciallizing in how it is used. My mind is more systematic and engineering oriented than in my younger days. This shift has its ups and downs. My mind can almost always tackle any of the tallest theological obstacles by force. I have hammered out my view of the covenant of works from scripture. It is appart from standard reformed tradition but it is not new. I find my view echoed in some of the early reformers and the dutch. I am almost done hammering out my understanding of the covenant of grace. My covenant of grace is going to consist of sin and grace in time feeding off each other. Theological mountains are becoming molehills. I am faced with fewer issues and there is less on my plate to contemplate.

Knowledge can puff up. It takes wisdom to deflate it. I am left with what was always there to begin with: God, sin, and the Gospel. My heart needs help, not my head. I am left with theological thought that cannot escape the gravity of the cross. There is an end to learning for this reason. On the other side of the coin, memorizing scripture word for word is very difficult for me. My mind remembers chapters and verses but not words. It is a strange thing indeed.

I bring all this up because I am sure that discernment and deep thought are part of my spiritual giftings. I ask to what end will my own mind and person shift. I have seen other things that disturb me arise such as immaturity. I have felt that I have gone backwards while going forward in things. I don't know if anyone understands this feeling. I am sure God has a reason.

My sin

2007-10-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

John Owen once said of sin "Kill sin or it will be killing you." I feel like I am on the being killed end. I am convicted of this since I know that I have not resisted to the point of shedding blood. I am swinging from being closer and further from God both at one time. Sin has entrenched itself deeper into my life. Maybe it is just that I am seeing it now. I know the only cure is the gospel. At Anthem, I was closer to God while being farther away. Luckily, I know that I can draw near to God by the Blood of Christ. I trust in general the gospel but I haven't trusted it enough specifically for killing sin. It is strange. I am more reliant on it, recently, yet in more need of it.

I see that there is a general principle of sin in my life which is now shifting to find new outlets. It may be because I am guilty of giving it a foothold to launch every kind of attack against me. It seems that the provisions of just doing more church stuff does not help my condition. Anthem did not help in that way. Anthem may have helped uncover sin again. I was busy letting it catch fire on the back burner. Christian comfort isn't the problem. The problem is that I am too comfortable in my sin. This sin requires me to have more faith. I don't think I have done a good job at meeting the challenge.

My faith right now feels like John Paul Jones in saying "I have not yet begun to fight", while looking around only to see that my ship is sinking and on fire. Only to know: silly christian, you aught to be able to walk on water. It is our faith that must overcome the world. Merely knowing this does not help. I am strangely not dismayed at my uncovered depravity but I could use some prayer and grace to fight sin as I aught.

Holy Spirit at Anthem.

2007-10-14T13:49:00.001-07:00

I definately felt the Spirit moving Friday night during the 3rd message, especially toward conversions. I began to pray for conversions at this point towards the end of the message. Without looking around at all the effects of the HS, which I saw afterward, I could tell spiritually that He was moving in a large way.

I am pretty certain that angels were rejoicing that night. The one thing I didn't do after the message was follow up by talking to some of the new guys. I only talked to Kip briefly. I know that I should have talked to some more people for certain now. Even the ones that I did not know. (which is most of them). I am hearing that many people (6+) were saved by that message. It is not something one aught to count that often. What counts is that God's word was faithfully preached in conjunction with the actions with His Holy Spirit. This is what gave increase.

Reformation and Repentance

2007-10-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

I was quite immature at Anthem, like I have never been before in my life. I am not quite sure what came over me. I am usually too serious to do this kind of stuff. Some of this sin was from vanity. Some of it came from the large amount of suger and caffiene consumed.

Here is a list of my offenses:
1)Snorting crushed sweet-tarts
2)Ramming canoes at slow speeds
3)Rolling a place with TP by myself (in retaliation).
4)Throwing tic-tacs at someone.
5)Pulling a chair out from under someone as they were sitting down
6)Putting tatter tots in my pocket and eating them later in front of people. Like Napoleon Dynamite.
7)Having a quiet time precariously perched up on a high rock, just for the fun of it.
8)Burning candy with a candle till it caught on fire.
9)Eating burnt candy
10)Jumping on the low Burning coals of the bondfire... Multiple times.

I am sure I am forgeting something. My sin was active but luckily it was limited in its effect to others. I felt the need to appologize to the person for the chair prank. I think some of this is in response to a prayer a while ago that I see the difference between reformation and repentance. I have been a christian for a long time. I grew up in a 'christian' home. There was much reforming of my actions.

Yet, this is not the same as repentance. This means my sin and the cause often hides beneath a white washed veneer. It was in this state of prior reformation that I was saved. I'm still seeing refined sins appear out of nowhere and shift to another place that is restained by only inhibitions. Furthermore, my shy personality and my introverted nature kept certain sins at bay. This has changed a bit. The cause of sin often hid behind my inhibitions rather than convictions against sin.

Now, we can all see the evils of indwelling sin. One can think it is dealt with only to see that it returns because it hides under everything but convictions. It hides for a time, behind mere choices and inhibitions rather than real repentance. This is the depravity that I have seen in my own person as of late. The heart is deceitful above all things. Furthermore, I see that sin likes shifting its outlet when it is seen. Lust to sloth to lust to an additive personality to vanity to immaturity to lust again. Anthem was an extention of this rollercoster of shifting sin in my life. This is a strange period. I see my potential sins and tendancies outside of christ. I also see my reliance on Christ. I need to pray for real repentance from some of these potential sins. So that they don't take root. I can't say that I like the person that I was on Friday.

Presbyterian New Covenant

2007-10-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

There is a confession of a Reformed Baptist I need to make. I almost became a Presbyterian. Its kind of complicated. I both love and loathe Presbyterians. Its because of my experience with them. This came about by considering some of old testament types in Hebrews used. This relates to the covenant of grace, warnings, and covenants in the Old Testament. It is related to the perseverance of the saints.

It began with a standard accusation by a Presbyterian, reformed baptists are somewhat dispensational in their thinking. (Knowing that most covenantal baptists hate the scourge called dispensationalism.) Yet, there are some interesting facts that were brought to my attention that go against some things Reformed baptists have said before. This made me consider every accusation.

The first thing was that the holy spirit indwelt people prior to Pentecost. Not just regenerated but indwelt. (Read about Elijah and his successor.) This is true. The spirit was around before Pentecost. I shall discuss this later.

Hebrews also says Spiritual Israel was not content to just dwell in the promised land. They wished to be given a further rest. They wished for an imperishable inheritance that could not be lost through their corruption. They wished to further commune with God. There was much of the gospel in existence, hidden such that mere flesh could not understand it. Thus, in John 3 when Jesus is speaking to Nicodemus. He is calling him to account as a teacher of Israel for why he does not know what about what he is teaching. Especially about being born again, it was not something to be done only later at Pentecost. It was already in existence among the prophets. Old testament saints could be saved and given the pledge of salvation. Luckily, Christ and the gospel have been clearly displayed in these times and the spirit is poured out in a way that even we can see it. Especially in Christ's flesh and in His ressurectiton.

Now in the framework of the old testament covenants, there were blessings and curses. The Presbyterian question that Hebrews brings up in relation to the new covenant is this. Is the new covenant filled with warnings such that it also includes unbelievers? A cursory reading suggests this, while it is enforced by its negative that says that the promises of the new covenant comes by faith. This seems to allow a larger group of people in the new covenant. (Including unsaved.) Now, this partial picture allows church children to be included in the new covenant. The church/covenant here looked closer to a nation in which people may be born. After a reading of Hebrews, I felt that I understood it as a Presbyterian would. Upon further consideration there were catholic traits too. It also allows the necessity of sanctification in the new covenant to distinguish faith from one group verses the other. I put off converting my 'allegiance' to presbyterian till I clearly convicted of this truth. (If such can be said. My allegiance is towards Christ. I would have been faithful to the Word and my conscience if it stuck.)

I read it again but it was not as Presbyterian or Catholic upon further inspection. The warnings arose from considerations of an Exodus type for Israel. It should be known that Israel requires another Exodus. An exodus from the covenant law into a greater rest, a rest of the spirit. Israel requires another law. It required another savior (not moses). They require more blood to cover their door post for they are under judgement. The new covenant is a fulfillment of the law and promises. Thus, the warnings pertain to reliance on the old testament covenant after the arrival of the new covenant, which consists of the Spirit in greater measure. The warning is not for the unfaithful of a church or the children of a church. These were not for the church period. It is for the Hebrews.

There is an importance placed on the graces of the spirit and on the sacrifice of Christ in these warnings. Now these very things are not new. Some exist under the types of the old covenant. These things increased visibly in relation to Christ in this last age. Yet, some eternal things were hardly new. The warning was for those of the old covenant to spiritual discern and turn. Those who have been enlightened, given grace under the law, believers of the goodness of God's word, and who have experience and observed heaven's power. As well as those, who have partook of the holy spirit in some limited fashion. The details of this relationship are a point of contention.

The next verses seem to suggest that this relationship may simply be for those who lie under the streams of grace (non-specific) but yield up thorns. This non-specific grace can apply to Israel and people in the Old covenant. Yet, this is the issue for the church when one says that the holy spirit ineffectually indwells or sanctifies people in the church (by baptism). It is just as vague and destructive to the gospel. Unfortunately, this type of relationship of the Holy spirit outside of saving grace destroys the incorruptibility of the new covenant. This corrupts the truth about God writing laws on people's hearts as is common practice in the covenant of grace which is fulfilled more completely in the new covenant. It also places an importance on faith itself that aught not be there. The importance is rather on God alone. The relationship to the doctrines of Christ mentioned prior to this warning implies the old covenant for those who had known of God already but required instruction in Christ and basic christian practices. This also speaks of why Paul is so confident that it is apart from the things that accompany salvation.

A Presbyterian is not wrong on a lot of things. They are wrong only in one or two. Yet, they are more often wrong in their focus. I need to pray for them instead of both loving and loathing, the church and denomination, that I was not saved in. Or esteem myself to never be saved in.

Storyline of the Bible

2007-10-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly enjoyed the seminar last Friday by Jeff. I saw the outline with "kingdom of God" and thought 'Oh, no this is going to be fullerism or Dispensational kind of crap.' Luckly it wasn't. He did not stress the holy nation aspect to the exclusion of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, and a people proclaiming God's excellencies.

He seemed to touch on the Exodus and similar instances in the OT as types of the things in the NT. It shows God's faithfulness to be increasingly gracious when the people deserve much less. When sin comes grace abounds. This often involves different types of the gospel. I have thought a lot on the OT along those lines. It was nice to hear it from someone else.

Furthermore, if you ask me what I learned I don't know if I can say that it was from Jeff. I was too busy following rabbit trails in my own thoughts with what Jeff said to know if he actually said it. Particularly in formulating my thoughts on the Covenant of Grace. In a way, The gospel is similar to previous exodus models but the inheritance is unperishable. It cannot be lost by corruption, he has put it in our hearts. Furthermore, the covenant of grace extends further into new creation in an already but not yet fashion. For we do not have this unperishable inheritance but an unperishable pledge.

This covenant involves election, a holy nation, a royal priesthood, and a people meant to proclaim God's excellencies. It is meant to contain a new israel, not based on works but grace, with much greater promises to a larger audience. It contains God's kingdom or rather God's intended purpose and relation for mankind. (Ever since Eden.) I might do a commentary on Romans 5 to discuss this further in a little while.

Incomprehensiblity and Calculus

2007-10-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have explained the calculus of the trinity, if you will, in the last post. I barely scratched the surface of who God is. There are parts that are understandable with difficulty. I tried to be clear on those. There are also parts that are too impossible to understand because God is beyond us.

Lets look at different dimensions. How does a 3D creature explain a 4D universe? Or rather How do we treat our existance time? With much difficulty and not with time's full meaning. We see a bunch of moments in time, rather than time itself. We try to fit slices of time on top of each other (in differential elements for you engineers). So we see multiple layers of our 3D universe and understanding rather than a 4D one. This is the calculus. We may understand parts of the 4D universe but we will never know what it is really like or its real internal workings.

We may understand parts of God but never fully. He is holy. He is transcendantly set apart. We are but creatures that exist on but a slice of His power, wisdom, and understanding. In him we have our being. We cannot fully understand or extend our existance back to Him. Christ manages to describe God in our universe but even he cannot be known by flesh and blood. A complete understanding of Christ is beyond us for He is also God. What we do know; He has had to reveal to us. Yet, this simplified equation that governs, the integration of Who God is, pieced together by slices, hardly describes the totality of God. For God has no bounds. It leads to a general solution that leaves out details. God is incomprehensible. This does not mean God is totally unknowable, rather He cannot be known fully or rightly. He can only be abstracted by what He reveals himself to be. He rightly says to Moses in describing himself, "I AM WHO I AM". Being that this definition is outside a stack of mere principles rather about real substance; within an incomprehensible statement.

Trinity and Filoque

2007-10-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

There are two ways of looking at the trinity. One is by looking at the Actions of God.(Economical) The other is by looking at the being of God. (Ontological)

There are three persons in the trinity. Yet, There is one God and substance of the Trinity. Furthermore, the trinity is balanced. No one is any less than who God is or are subordinate to the other two. Many also believe that their is no imbalance in what each person in the trinity does. (That is its economy) This means that Christ's, The Father's, or The Holy Spirit's individual actions are all necessary to bring about a overall single action of God.

In this an action has different parts ascribed individually to the persons of the trinity. While the whole is made up of those parts is done by God, who is singular in his will. The three persons are also united but distinct in this will. An example of this is Salvation. It is ordained in time by the Father. It is obtained by the Son on the Cross. It is applied by the Holy Spirit in regeneration. Overall it is a single action of God in saving man despite the three appearant actions. These three actions are all important, interrelated, and necessary. It is to say each action is in balance with the others for a single purpose. The trinity acts when God collectively saying, without internal debate "It shall be done." and by the power of God's word it is done. There is also the idea that two never act or are, independant of the third, to be or do so is to break the trinity and subordinate the other. Yet, they can be refered to all collectively or singlely in part.

The only mysterious question is how these persons in the Godhead determine how to relate to each other, in the execution of God's will being that their substance is the same. The trinity is united by its very substance. The Son could ordain time. The Holy Spirit could have come to die. And the Father could have applied the Spirit's sacrifice. Each is capable of doing another's duty by nature. Yet, there is a real reason that the father is seen as the eternal. The Son is eternally begotten from the father. The Holy spirit is eternally proceding from the Father. The distinctions, actions, and even names for the distinctions, are divinely there for a reason. They should be respected as three persons. He should be respected as one God.

Now, there is something called the Filoque clause. One thought to add that the Holy Spirit procedes from the Son also. It makes some sense in that He was sent due to Christ or through Christ who is seated on the throne with the father. Yet, the wording of this clause does not establish this as an action. It rather establishes something about the Holy spirit's being. In altering, this statement about the being of the Holy spirit with "proceding from the father and the son" which is true only in Christ's actions, not his being. This appearantly reduces the Holy Spirit's divinity by making him subordinate to the other two.

This was what the split between Orthodox and Roman Catholicism. The Orthodox claim that the Pope with his papal infallibility was proclaiming a heresy that denegrated the Holy Spirit. They also reject his authority in being able to do so and excommunicated him. Whoops! Perhaps the See of Peter is wrong. Once Again.

Limited Atonement

2007-10-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Christ died for the Church made up of individual believers. Furthermore, he died for actual people, literal people whom he foreknew. The Bible does not talk about Christ dieing to give God the ability to forgive based on man's free will or based on external church membership. This is all well and good. I would perhaps still love God if he said such but it is just not there.

It does not talk about Christ dieing so that people can reject him or save themselves when confronted with the gospel. This would also appear good but that is not what is actually said. The Bible rather says that Christ is a stumbling block, because they are too blind to see it. It tells of a God who open eyes and open hearts. It also tells of a sacrifice that actually does the work at forgiving sin. Rather than a sacrifice that just make it possible. This idea of only a potential sacrifice or partially effective sacrifice destroys worth of what was offered. Christs blood is of infinite worth.

The Bible rathers says that Christ dies to save unbelieving enemies of the cross. People are saved by grace, unmerited favor. Through faith (That is the avenue of that grace). It is not of our own doing. For, We are God's workmanship. People cherry-pick Ephesians 2 to say that salvation is by faith. This is true but it is rather by grace received -through- faith. That is the avenue of that grace. Let us not consider if Ephesians implies that faith and grace are both gifts or just grace. The gospel is something one must receive. They do this by faith. Yet, One cannot even receive anything unless he is given it in heaven. John 3:27

I would be ok with Christ dieing to give God the ability to forgive men based on their choice. The Bible does not present this view. It talks of Him dieing to actually save. It is his act of dieing that saves and pays our debt to God. It is not our choice that makes his death worthwhile. However rosy this alternative is, it is not true. I cannot say that Christ's death is worthless in even the smallest circumstance. God accomplishes what he intends. Some might counter that all are saved. I certainly believe that God did not intend for Christ to save all but it would have been possible. Faith is the avenue through which salvation comes to a person by grace. One is not saved without it. Not all have faith.

Someone else might counter that God is not loving to damn people to hell. Well how so, men are getting what the deserve. The great multitude that is saved are getting what they don't deserve.

I would be ok with it if God let us choose. The bible does not present this view. Many reject the idea of one is rather chosen or elect by God. Some distort the plain meaning of election to say that this means mean we choose. Since when did our election of public officials consist of them electing themselves? Greek work -Elektos.- One does not elect themselves to an office. Election never meant that. How can God's electing purpose really be our electing purpose? I would be ok if God did not institute election per se but that is what the Bible says he did.

Even without election atonement would be limited. It is self-destructive to attack limit atonement. Arminian atonement is limited, albeit differently more than universalism or calvinism. If it was a hypothetically universal atonement in which everyone could gain salvation, it is limited in potential because man's choice. Even if it isn't limited by scope, its limited. Furthermore, even if everyone conditionally chose, 'yes' and gained salvation. (Or was granted it without the necessity of belief. As a universalist would claim.) It is limited in scope because the creation is such limited! Christs death is limited anyways!!!! All atonement by nature is limited to a number less than infinity. Only God is infinite! Now why should one believe that Christ's atonement is limited in scope and potential. When his blood is of infinite worth. I propose that it is of infinite worth toward the end he wishes. That meaning, towards a particular people to save.

The question is how did He save? It is pretty clear in my mind and that of the Bible. The answer is that God choose to pay our sin with the death of Christ. Not purchase himself a liberty. Not purchase himself an indefinite number of people from which, there was a possibility that no one would ever be save. The battle must be on how he saves, not the limit of who God saves. He does it individually. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Communion and Maturity.

2007-10-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

My experience suggests that christian maturity is related not to knowledge or crafty words/thoughts of wisdom. It is rather related to a soul's time spent dwelling on the Gospel in communion with God. At times this maturity may be called "fanaticism" for in it, one never moves beyond a single belief, the Gospel. One is also fanatical in that they focus on salvation by faith and focus on God himself in everything. Some think there are bigger and better things in faith other than the gospel. I would call it Christian maturity to see otherwise.

Some may equate the gospel with spiritual milk that only babes in Christ need drink. Yet, they neglect that Christ himself is the true food and true drink. He is also the meat and substance of belief. In a way, God himself is the gospel. We must partake of his very nature to benefit. This is not literal consumption but rather we must experience and commune with his nature through the Holy Spirit to benefit our souls. This is christian maturity; it is to have increasing peace and communion with God.

Communion to some has become the outward acceptance of bread and wine. The bread and wine at times are no longer accepted as symbols of Christ and the gospel within our sanctification but the graces and the nature itself. This produces some serious problems. The bread and wine sacrimentally can avail to nothing without one receiving them as they would Christ and the gospel, especially in sanctification. The provisions for sanctification (and even justification) are related to Christ's atonement by the effects of his high priestly intercession. Roman Catholic Liturgy could support this link in communion. Such an understanding would also show how they have errored so far so fast. Primarily by changing what His interecession and what God's application of atonement looks like.

John Piper:
"The first meaning was that the Lord's Supper is a proclamation of the gospel ("As often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes." 1 Corinthians 11:26). The second meaning was that the Lord's Supper is a remembering of Christ ("Do this in remembrance of me." 1 Corinthians 11:24). The third meaning was that the Lord's Supper is a spiritual feasting by faith on all that God is for us in Christ ("I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35). And the fourth meaning was that the Lord's Supper is a savoring of the promises of the New Covenant ("This cup is the new covenant in my blood." 1 Corinthians 11:25). Now today we look at two final meanings—not that there are no others, but these are the two we will focus on in conclusion. One is that the Lord's Supper is a call to love the people of Christ, and beyond. And the other is that the Lord's Supper is a call to self-examination. Both of these meanings are found in 1 Corinthians 11."

I would also add that the meaning of this sacrament is also to invoke communion between saints within its relation to sanctification and the unity of the holy spirit. Hence, it is done congregationally. I have not touched on the significance of this sacrament to covenant. Within the context of the covenant it is a memorial to that which has been done. It is a memorial to the sacrifice, once and for all time, done by christ. It is not the re-offering, the re-application, or the re-sacrifice of christ. Nor can it be making that old sacrifice present again. For it is already present in the works and acts of grace that flow from Christ's intercession.